Somehow, someway, the draft has become one of the premiere events of the National Football League. It is an exercise in tedium and monotony. If you are a fan, you will find yourself sitting there on your couch and waiting 15 minutes in-between picks during the first round and enjoying every second of it. Do you have errands to run on Saturday? That won't be a problem at all. A person can go away for a couple of hours and will have only missed between eight to ten picks. That is not even a third of the first round! There will still plenty of drafting to do over the course of the next seven rounds!
If the draft is so boring, how did it become so popular? Why do millions of people know who Mel Kiper, Jr. is? Why should I be glued to ESPN2 at 3:30 on a Sunday afternoon just to see whom Carolina picks in the seventh round? That guy is getting cut in training camp anyway! There isn’t even the comedic value that the NBA draft has when David Stern hands over a jersey to a 6”11” 19-year-old in a hideous suit! What reason is there at all to watch this? Well, my dear reader, here are the reasons you should watch (even if only intermittently – seriously, the first round alone takes all day, you can step away occasionally).
1) The [Insert Your Favorite Team Here] Select…
This is the only reason to watch for most of you. Who is going to break your heart by underperforming for your Eagles/Saints/Browns/etc. for the next four or five years? This is an especially joyous moment for Jets fans, as it is the very first time they’ll get to boo the poor guy. This is truly a special moment in the life of any fan.
2) Draft Busts
This correlates directly to whomever your favorite team selects. There will be more busts than stars. For every Donovan McNabb there are Cade McNowns illegally parking in handicapped spots somewhere and Akili Smiths calling you about Liberty Mutual insurance. This inevitable fact is especially true if your favorite team is the Lions. And they select a wide receiver. Again. Somewhere Calvin Johnson prays Matt Millen never saw his game tape.
3) Diva Fits
The best recent example of this belongs to Eli Manning after being drafted by San Diego. After all, who would want to play somewhere that has perfect weather and gorgeous women? Who would want to have that LaDainian Tomlinson guy helping you out in the backfield? He’s worthless! Give me New York! I want to play in a city where any game in which I have a passer rating of less than 90 and a TD/INT ratio of less than 3/1 will make me a pariah. Oh, and can I have noted Schrutebag Tom Coughlin as my coach? Daddy, I don’t wanna go to San Diego! (See also: Elway, John)
4) Why Haven’t I Been Drafted Yet?
Inevitably, there will be one guy there who is just positive he’s getting picked very early. Then, as if on cue, he will just keep getting passed over. I thought the ESPN crew was going to call out a suicide watch for Aaron Rodgers as he slid from potential first overall pick all the way down to Brett Favre’s towel boy at No. 22.
Article comments
1 - T. Michael Testi
Nice take! Jerkwheat. It kind of makes Baseball seem like a speed event; golf like a race!
But yeah, it'll be on between mowin the yard, washing the car, skinin the cat. It'll be on.
For me it is the begining of the fantasy football season. So gotta watch!
T.
2 - Matthew T. Sussman
11) Catching the ticker two spots after the one you're curious about, and watching it crawl across the screen a few cycles until it gets back to the one you missed.
3 - Justene
One is allowed to do other stuff during the draft? Hmm. Never knew that. I am pretty sure that remaining glued to the chair for the entire frickin' weekend convinces my husband that I am the best wife in the world for another year.
I also watch the Scouting Combine. Every year.
4 - Bob
Correction.........Aaron Rodgers went 24th.....not 22nd..................
5 - Jerkwheat
d'oh!
on the plus side, the extra two spots he had to wait allowed the counselors to talk Rodgers off of the ledge
6 - Vince Mullins
Don't forget 12) Berman tipping the pick of the Buffalo Bills, right before they circle the wagons...
7 - Jimmy CrackCorn
Nice take on the draft I especially enjoyed your jabs at the clothing worn by soon to be young black millionaires. Everytime I watch a black athlete who's in a suit I say to myself "Where did you find that suit?" I mean, who designs them, who makes them and who sells them? I've never seen those crappy suits in a store, I guess they are ghetto-only production. There are sweatshops in harlem I guess, not just in Chinatown.
Re: Eli, I agree with you re: weather and women but remember the Chargers, like all San Diego teams, are LOSERS, and prob always will be. He wanted to go to a solid organization with a chance to win.
Oh, and Tiki Barbeer for a 2+ year stretch outperformed LT and every other running back in the NFL in just about every statistical category except touchdowns. Yards rushing, YPR, catches, YPC, 100 yard games, 20+ yard runs, etc.
Look it up.
It wouldn't hurt to tone down the anti-NYC bias.The fact that Tiki's performances were downplayed throughout his career is proof that East Coast bias, at least whem it comes to sports, is dying if not dead.