In my the entertainment section of my morning newspaper, Alfred Kinsey and SpongeBob SqarePants were jockeying for space on the same page. The intriguing juxtaposition of movie ads inspired the following imaginary encounter between these two giants (well, actually one giant and one animated–in both senses of the word–invertebrate) of American popular culture:
Dr Kinsey: Please come in and have seat, Mr. S. Now, don’t be nervous. I’d like to ask you a few questions about your sexual experiences.
SpongeBob: Okey-dokey, Doc. Shoot.
Dr. Kinsey: How old were you when you felt your first sexual urges?
S.B.: Actually, Doc, we sponges live a really long time–unless we’re harvested to clean up your kitchen sink–so we’re what you might call “late bloomers”. So I’d say that the first time I felt frisky was, oh, maybe last week?
Dr. K.: Can you describe your feelings?
S.B.: Absotively! I was frying up some Krabby patties at The Krusty Krab, and I noticed that my boss, Squidward, was looking particu’rly dapper that day. All of a sudden I felt a bit funny in my square pants and, well…
Dr. K.: Yes, go on…
S.B.: It’s kinda embarrassin’, Doc. Me being a sponge and all, I’m really absorbent, so funny things happen when the fluids start flowing. Luckily, I’m always around to mop myself up.
Dr. K.: Hmmm. So would you say you’re more attracted to men than women?
S.B.: I dunno. I never really thought about it.
Dr. K.: But you said you felt some stirrings when saw your male boss.
S.B.: Sqidward’s male? Who knew? I just thought he was a really fetchin’ calamari.
Dr. K.: So would you say you’re attracted to both men and women?
S.B.: Look, Doc, I’m a sponge. I live in a pineapple under the sea. I wear square jockey shorts. Pardon the anachronism, by I ain’t exactly Hugh Hefner.
Dr. K.: Who?
S.B: Hugh…oh, never mind. Now there’s a guy you should really talk to…