Many of you have wondered how my previous set of Soprano spoilers could have been so dead-on accurate. The answer is simple: I make things up, pretend afterwards that I got it right, and hope that no one checks.
So, here’s my prediction for what happens in the season finale. It’s something the entire season has prepared us for. It has the inevitability of billiard balls caroming off the sides of the table. It is almost too obvious to say:
Tony shoots the bear.
Everything in the season conspires towards this. First, the bear was introduced with a feint, misdirecting us into believing that it was a way to get Carmella and the game warden together. Every few episodes, the bear comes back, seemingly the most under-motivated event in the season – if they can set a girlfriend on fire just so Tony can have a heartless breakup scene with her, they sure better have a reason for air-dropping the bear into random episodes. Finally, the entire season has been engineering Tony’s return to Carmella. Here we thought it was in order to say something about the complexity of love and marriage, but in fact it was simply a way to get Tony and the bear into the same scene.
So, Tony shoots the bear. Then, in one of their patented scenes of black comedy, he and Sil are caught cutting up the carcass. (Why Sil? For the irony of his not getting caught for his other offings.) As Tony is perp-walked from his house, the head of the FBI unit is requesting warrants to search Tony’s house for evidence of hunting without a license and animal cruelty.
The episode closes with a shot of Carmella, Meadow and AJ watching being Tony taken away. AJ says, “For shooting a fucking bear??” Cue the Davey Crockett theme song.
It is not possible that any detail of this spoiler could be wrong.