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Someone Please Help Poor Lindsay Lohan

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I saw a picture of Lindsay Lohan yesterday in this one piece white sun-dressy thing. She looked like someone had propped her cracked out ass up and taken a picture. I could almost hear her whispering…hel..p…mee…

Well it got me to thinking. America has an obsession.

It’s an obsession with looking fit and trim. Sexy if you will.

It’s an obsession that is gravely distorted by the images you see in magazines and on television. These airbrushed beauties you see in magazines are not real. Those pictures are touched up by artists who hide every blemish, roll, or line you have. I’m not saying that these models aren’t naturally beautiful to start. I know they are. But this distorted reality has driven some beautiful people (and some not so) to destroy their bodies. From south beach to the south river more people are getting more cosmetic surgery, going on more body destroying diets, and exercising to the point of exhaustion than ever before. It’s like the media has brainwashed us all into believing that until we have rock hard abs and dress our faces up like a cover girl we are not good enough.

Did you ever see that scary reality TV show The Swan? It was like they made every contestant into the same woman. At the end of the show they would let the victim look into the mirror for the 1st time in months.
“…and now you too are… Swan” it’s f’n crazy. If that was me and I was getting to see myself for the 1st time and I looked exactly the same as the Swan from last weeks episode I would be a little upset. I wouldn’t be crying tears of joy cause I was ‘purdy’ that’s for sure.

Which brings me back to poor Lindsay Lohan. She was a beautiful red headed young woman. She even won the Nickelodeon kid’s choice award or some shit. She also had a great natural figure. But then it happened. She started to get famous.

First came the breast implants (or are they?) Real or fake? you decide.
Then the voices in Lindsey’s head started saying:

“Look at fatty boombalatty Lindsay Lohan”

“She looks (gasp) healthy!?!?

“Stop shoveling food into your ugly botox-less face without committing to throwing it up later tubs”

“Your boobs don’t look as good as Britney’s” and so on…

So Lindsay did what any up and coming young actress out of her right mind would do.

She bleached her hair ghost white, lost fifty pounds from everywhere but her melon head, took the boobs back to the store, and stopped eating anything that resembled food.

Now she looks horrible. She is sickly skinny and looks like the albino version of death. That did manage to land her the staring roll in Herbie Honks for Hooters. Needless to say Herbie and movie goers didn’t honk and the movie went into the shitter.

Hey at least you can still see Skeletor Lohan in all the gossip magazines and on the E! channel.

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About ChaosBrian

  • I missed her when she had a body like this…

  • Johannus

    The general rule of reporting or increasing traffic flow or whatever: pictures say more than words.
    think about it

  • Good satire piece -It seems to become

  • harder to satirize some of these topics and still do a good job with it.

  • Simon

    She didn’t starve herself she just started drugs, duh! it was because if her aweful dad and stress or something.

  • Funny stuff Brian! I thought it was just my imagination that she started to look like a Grey with red hair and boobs. It would be funny to see if she has any connection at all to Area 51. It would make a good “Weekly World News” type story.

  • paul_90009

    Hey Bri – when was the last time anyone used an airbrush? Not on Lindsay, that’s for sure. CG was already there when that babe was a tweenager. Yeah, I’ll admit it, I got the hots for LL in Mean Girls mode. Man, that’s some big-ass titties in there. That was a real piece of woman, the absolute body that a man REALLY wants in his bed. As for the Herbie thing, the “fully-loaded” was unfortunately not a reference to LL’s upper superstructure; quite the contrary. Following rumbles from the pre-release viewing committee, Linday’s two key features were digitally DIMINISHED, would you believe, and that’s a fact. Groan.
    C’mon Lindsay, get a grip girl. We want your sexy body, yeah the sexy one, not the cadaverous one. What use your pretty ankles atop your stilettos without curvacious calves and rounded thighs? Death to the sunken cheekbone! Gimme puff, babe!
    Lindsay, don’t follow the standard – set it!

  • The more and more media pumps images of unhealthily skinny girls on our screens and casts them as ‘beautiful’, the more this is going to happen.

    It’s affluent countries biggest shame, changing our morals and expectations to be beyond reasonable.

  • moe411

    fuck lohan and the rest of the pimple-faced teeny bopper crowd..that includes the troll twins
    boo-hoo..i’am fat and have lots of money

    no-one gives a fuck..we all have probs..so deal with yours

  • Waxtrax

    She was absolutely one of the most beautiful creatures on this earth till she got stupid , I agree, she looks like hell now.

  • sarina

    i think that she is way to superficial and she really should not have air brushing done because it makes everyobne else who is not a celebrity look ugly….. we then want to be skinny and pretty and it just isn’t fair. i think that airbrushing should be illegal-

  • lukaslohan

    linds is the best…………..

    you all are loosers…

    love u lindsay!!!!!!!

  • dat crazy i would never think linzey would turn out like dat i been watching linzey for a long time. but when people have dat much money dat what they do with it get cracked up she needs to stop and her parent need to be parents and help there daughter cause people is watching on t.v and she setting a bad example for her young rolemodels i think this happen to many time and she need to be punish cause it getting out of hand she think she could always pay her way out of things.if it wasn’t a famous person we would of got punished for what happen why can’t the same thing happen to her we all should be equal like martin luther king said

  • que salga sin ropa

  • Channel

    i feel for bad for Lidsay!! her mom took away all her money!!n now she was begging 50CENET 4 money.lame hu? well if u ask me it’s her fult she had 2 waste her money!!!

  • Anthony

    back off America. She is a human being. leave her alone and have some frkn sympathy. Just because she got lucky with her life doesn’t mean we all have to resent her and be all jealous of her and shit, She obviously needs some compassion and love. We just devour those who end up on a pedestal don’t we? We’re the evil freakin pieces of shit, not her.

  • DJK

    Has anyone besides me noticed that her biggest hit film Mean Girls has, minus the happy ending, become the story of her life? Let me explain…

    She starts out this pure, wholesome girl. Sweet, down-to-earth, well-liked.

    She is noticed by the bad crowd, a crowd of self-absorbed, superficial, immoral sluts(Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Nicole Richie), and is soon within their group.

    Her innocence and being new to this sort of stardom proves her undoing in this bad crowd and soon she dumbing herself down and slutting herself up to fit in with them and the expectations of the people around her.

    Eventually, she becomes no different from this bad crowd, it finally comes to a thunderous crash that provides her with disappointment from others and a seemingly irrepairable infamous reputation.

    Like her character in Mean Girls, she has a lot to do if she wants to save herself from the deep pit she’s dug herself into; she has to admit fault to what she’s done, she needs to realize people like Paris Hilton and her posse are undeserving of anyone’s attention and stop hanging out with them, and needs to get the support she needs from family and real friends.

  • brooke

    she is the fucking best maybe if you people leave her alone for a little she will get better.i love her.she is so pretty i dont care what you people say.

    Lindsay you rock dont listen to these pieces of shit:)