Two weeks ago I was bummed about the Yankees beating up on us over the weekend and chose to write about the Patriots.
This week I’m bummed about the Yankees beating up on us over the weekend and am choosing to write about the Patriots.
But this week I’m wearing different pants!
Last time, we covered the positions. This week – the games.
Week 1: Bills – We start the season off on Monday Night Football – a program I like to watch muted with a little Sirius radio in the background. And that was back when Theissman used to be color commentating. The Lynchless Bills shouldn’t be much of a threat in the early goings. Or the late goings, for that matter. The middle goings, however.. Bold Arbitrary Prediction: W (1-0)
Week 2: @ Jets – Matt Ryan be damned! Never bet on a rookie quarterback. Especially a Trojan one. If Kellen Clemens has, for some reason, been given the job; don’t bet on a guy named Clemens, either. Hard to believe, but this team would actually have been in better shape if they had re-signed Favre. How else will Mark Sanchez learn how to just have fun out there?! Bold Arbitrary Prediction: W (2-0)
Week 3: Falcons – The Atlanta Falcons: This year’s Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays. I was quite proud of my (Devil) Rays sophomore slump prediction and I see the same thing happening to Atlanta. Ooh, look! We got an aging tight end! Second Round, ahoy! Matt Ryan will come back to Earth. Michael Turner won’t break four yards a carry. Roddy White will pout his way out of town when the wheels come off. And Mike Smith? The Mike Brown of the NFL. Bold Arbitrary Prediction: W (3-0)
Week 4: Ravens – Here’s where the win streak comes into danger. And here’s where I start to hate the West Coast during football season. The 10 a.m. wakeup call. I’m a gentleman who enjoys an alcoholic beverage from time to time. I don’t wake up before noon when I’m sober, let alone when I’m … unsober. I hear you know, fair reader: “Get a TiVo, you ugly buffoon!” First of all, I may be ugly and I may be a buffoon.. Second of all, who am I? Johnny Zillionaire? Look at me, the well-to-do oil magnate with my TiVo and my top hat and my monocle! The Jets/Falcons contests are also 10 a.m. retina-rubbers, but this is the first one that’s really worth waking up/not going to sleep for. I see us running through those first three games, but this one will be a barnburner (or a “burnbarner,” as Charles Barkley would say); much like the battle in Bodymore two years ago. Bold Arbitrary Prediction: L (3-1)
Week 5: @ Broncos – Bill Belichick doesn’t lose to former employees. And if he does, it’s stricken from the record. He also doesn’t lose to drunk, inept quarterbacks. Or diva wide receivers. Or over-the-hill safeties who can’t quite fly through the air like they used to. Pretty much, Denver sucks this season. (Thanks Jay!) Bold Arbitrary Prediction: W (4-1)
Week 6: Titans – This squad isn’t gonna fall off quite like the Falcons; but they ain’t gonna win 13 games again, neither. Albert Haynesworth left a $100 million hole in the middle and Kerry Collins isn’t getting any younger. And LenDale White isn’t getting any skinnier. And Vince Young isn’t getting any talent-ier. Chris Johnson is the only real bright spot on a team that might Jeff Fisher its way out of the playoff hunt this year. Bold Arbitrary Prediction: W (5-1)
Week 7: @ Bucs – Yarrrghh! We be lackluster! Avast! A 7-9 record be on the horizon! Eleven men on a dead man’s pass rush! Bold Arbitrary Prediction: W (6-1)
Week 8: BYE – “Yeah, Gisele baby? Can you get me some more ice for this Mai Tai? And get the square cubes this time, not the tube-shaped ones! They make me feel uncomfortable..” Bold Arbitrary Prediction: He'll get the cubes. (Still 6-1)
Week 9: Dolphins – Honestly, Miami’s the only divisional opponent I’m truly worried about this season. But their greatest weapon – The Wildcat – is a year older and a year easier to defend. I imagine Belichick’s concocted some sort of Reverse Wildcat Defense System, we’ll call it Poacher D, which will turn Ricky Williams into a dust pile. Bold Arbitrary Prediction: W (7-1)
Week 10: @ Colts – These are not the Indianapolis Colts of yesteryear. Dungy’s gone. Marvin’s gone. Peyton’s knee cartilage is gone. If we can contain Joseph Addai, this team is beatable. Hopefully this won’t be one of the three games Bob Sanders plays this season. Bold Arbitrary Prediction: W (8-1)
Week 11: Jets – J-E-T-S! Sucks! Sucks! Sucks! If it hasn’t happened in Week 2, Sanchez will be the full-time starter by now. Which means fresh meat for Vince Wilfork. Seriously. He might eat him. Bold Arbitrary Prediction: W (9-1)
Week 12: @ Saints – Brady vs. Brees. Real-Life MVP vs. Fantasy MVP. Top-Notch vs. Face Blotch. Reggie Bush might be waived by Week 12. Just keep Brandon Meriweather away from Bourbon Street and we’ll be fine. Bold Arbitrary Prediction: W (10-1)
Week 13: @ Dolphins – We can beat ‘em at home, but I see Miami squeaking by down in Florida. Chad Pennington will throw some fluky touchdown and Ronnie Brown will get 150 frustrating “Just tackle him already!” yards. Bold Arbitrary Prediction: L (10-2)
Week 14: Panthers – Jake Delhomme. Bold Arbitrary Prediction: W (11-2)
Week 15: @ Bills – T.O. will, by this time, have brought Dick Jauron to tears on the sidelines at least seven times; breaking the old Jauron record of five, set by Cade McNown. Bold Arbitrary Prediction: W (12-2)
Week 16: Jaguars – The Fred Taylor Ultimate Vengeance Special! Taylor will light his old team up for 40 yards and one fumble. Bold Arbitrary Prediction: W (13-2)
Week 17: @ Texans – Those wiley Houstonites! What a bunch of rapscallions! What kinda shenanigans will they get into this week?!? Bold Arbitrary Prediction: W (14-2)
So there you have it. Not quite 16-0. But a lot more promising than 18-1. (vomits anger) I still think we’ll be the two-seed behind the favored Pittsburgh Steelers, who will win 14 as well. But that’s right where Belichick likes to be. The really really really good underdog.