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Shark Does American Idol

Ah, Shark has been dying to weigh in on this American cultural phenomena.

Exuse me if I’m late, kids, but I’m watching this show for the first time — so I’ll be able to coverse with my fellow semi-domesticated primates about something more important than everybody on the planet owning nook-yul-er weapons — or the apocalyptic BIRD FLU that approaches like the angel of death to wipe out probably 30 percent of the earth’s population and turn our economies back to medieval times.

1) That Simon guy is the greatest! He’s my hero. Of course, I’m sure everyone hates him, because the worst thing one can do these days is tell the spot-on, honest-ta-gawd truth to morons raised on our ubiquitous new “psychological” mantra: “Keep up your precious self-esteem regardless of whether you have any talent or character to justify it.” Everything Simon says is right. He’s never wrong. He is smart, thoughtful, and actually gives great advice. (I predict he’ll be assassinated before his next birthday.)

2) What the fuck is that has-been that never-was, Paula Abdul, doing ADVISING PEOPLE ABOUT TALENT? What? Should Hitler lecture people on sensitivity toward Jews? Should the late Christopher Reeves have given riding lessons? Jeezus. You must be joking!? What did she ever do in show-biz? Wasn’t she… like… some NFL cheerleader or something? Which means maybe her snatch would qualify for a stint on a Home Shopping Network sports memorabilia sale, but that’s about it.

3) And now we get to that fat black spud, “Randy” (his parents must have hated him). WHAT A FUCKING MAROON. How “hip” can this big turd of a human be? Doesn’t anyone have the heart to tell him that “YO!” – “dude” – “hey dog” – “da Bomb” — and holding your hands in front of you gesturing like you’re suffering from massive brain damage while trying to perform American Sign Language WENT OUT with Grandmaster Flash — who, like Randy’s “vernacular” — is old enough and stale enough to be in a Zip-Lock Bag seated in a wheelchair in a Brooklyn nursing home.

YO, RANDY, DUDE, DOG, YOU AIN’T DA BOMB, YO; you be a fuggin’ Oreo Cracker from Malibu with an inferiority complex. And you KNOW you were never within a BMW length of da hood, you fake motherfucker.

PS: Dropping “Beyonce’s” name every few minutes doesn’t impress me. You wanna impress me, lose some weight, speak English, and act your fucking age. ‘Kay? ‘kay.

4) They should make a show where the people THINK they’re auditioning for American Idol, but where the real object is this: the people who sing a STEVIE WONDER song are shot with a high-powered rifle by a U.S. Marine stationed in the balcony. It’s worthy of FOX — and damn; I’d watch it!

5) Half the women still in the competition (10 left as of this writing) can’t stay on key to save their lives. The other half might have short careers at Playboy Magazine.

6) I’m already sick of that technique where the singer adds about a thousand grace notes to what was originally ONE NOTE in the melody. This appears to be a “black thing” — but has quickly been requisitioned by singers from the white world who want to be the “next” _______ (fill in the blank). This is their way of saying “I’ve REALLY got a great voice” — but I’d like to point out that of about 100 historically CERTIFIED GREAT VOICES I can think of at the moment, NOT ONE OF THOSE SINGERS EVER, EVER, EVER FUCKING DID THAT. Stop. It. People.

7) I’ve already picked my “favorites” — and since I distrust the taste of the American public more than I distrust “looking into his soul” as a measuring stick when it comes to Vladamir Putin’s committment to Democracy — then I fully expect to have my heart broken way before this thing is through.

8) The rock guys, Bo and Constantine: nice contrast to the other Lounge Lizard wanna-bees. Unfortunately, neither will ever recover their “rock” credentials, and I predict they’ll both go home and pull a “Hunter Thompson” once they realize what they’ve done.

9) That young, beautiful country gal Carrie Underwood; what a breath of fresh air. Too good to last. I’ll buy her poster, though.

I’m sure there’s more, and I’m sure I’ll think of ‘em as soon as I hit SAVE.

But I assume FOX is going to drag this thing out for weeks, so there will be plenty of time for me to add my SIMON-LIKE impressions.

About Mark Shark

  • http://selfaudit.blogspot.com Aaman

    You da shizzle, dawg! That was enlightened. Nice reference to Joseph Campbell.

    American Iconoclast!

  • Eric Olsen

    At least a 1-to-1 truth-to-insane-hyperbole ratio, so thumbs up from this judge.

    You think Randy is fat now?? You should have seen him two seasons ago – beyond that, your characterization is more true than you know: he played bass in fucking JOURNEY, for God’s sake, although he has also produced a lot of R&B.

    If you watch the show a while you will respect Simon but also know he is a flatulent arbitrary prick.

    And what seems promising about this season is there isn’t nearly as much of the grotesque over-singing you mention as in the past.

    You getting soft, Shark, better watch out

  • Shark

    For a much less vitriolic approach — and a WAY too detailed summary, please visit this entry.

    A tip of the hat — and explicit advice to “get a life” goes to the highly obsessive Mr. Scott Pepper.

    xxoo
    S

  • daddio

    Hey, if the truth really sets you free then Simon will be set free… someday maybe. Right now I think he is still paying for past sins, a shit load of them. And Paula has always just gone along with anything Randy says. I think she wants a recording contract. I love it when all the black dudes act like they are singing to Paula only, she gets all perky… sick man . I’m rooting for the Appalachian guy Scott. What a voice! They are already changing him though. Wow, another innocent person corrupted by $$$ or the search for it.

  • Eric Olsen

    I don’t know about “innocent”: he was a total prick in the group performance round – if he is changed it might before the better.

  • Shark

    Mario Vazquez – not bad.

    Anwar Robinson – pretty bad; guy can’t get over his nerves. He’s GONE or should be.

    Joseph Murena – “Portugese nightclub in 1974″ = spot on. He will stick around only if the drooling female adolescent demographics crank up their speed-dials.

    David Brown – weak. He’s GONE or should be.

    Constantine Maroulis – “Hard to Handle” – Oy. More like “Hard to Take”. As Simon pointed out, he did what 5 billion other Friday night bar rockers could do, including yours truly after a couple of Tequila shots. Better! He’s GONE or should have been weeks ago.

    Scott Savol – still coasting on the Al Barger Memorial Contingency. He’s a sultry black soul singer trapped in the body of an overweight Appalachian Redneck — which Shark thinks is possibly THE EPITOME of Contemporary American Talent. Oy.

    Travis Tucker – weak voice coupled with the talents of a Chippendales Dancer. Gone.

    Nikko Smith — just what we need: another Bobby Brown. zzzzzzzzzzz. Probably a favorite of most american window-lickers, despite my loathing.

    Anthony Fedorov – should be big with the Russian immigrant/albino Fargo residents contingency. zzzzzzzz. Gone.

    Bo (the “rocker”) – the most interesting, exciting thing all night. Like hearing a pipe bomb in a somnambulist ward.

    ==========

    Asides:

    Paula is still retarded.

    Randy is still an idiot, and the biggest unhip, fake prick on the show.

    QUIZMOS Sandwiches – I have a personal Culture Jam thing: if a commercial is overly obnoxious, cute, or insulting, I vow to NEVER EVER EVER fucking use the product again. Quizmos, with the digital moving mouth on the fat little baby — scores a perfect 10 in all obnoxious, insulting categories.

    I don’t know why — but this is more pornographic than Janet Jackson’ breast.

    Thanks in advance for joining my Quizmos Boycott,

    Shark

  • Eric Olsen

    agree on Bo, as did all involved

  • http://gratefuldread.net Natalie Davis

    Wow, Shark…

    All the melanin-related stuff you’re spouting hurts and disappoints.

    I tend not to watch AI beyond occasionally, but being remanded to bed (recuperating from pneumonia; color me a captive audience) makes me a slave to TV for a while, and AI beats Fear Factor. That said…

    You’re right about Simon; most times he is dead on, even at his prickliest.

    Paula, a never was? Despite her lack of singing ability (and yes, she has stated that she wants to go back to recording [NOOOOOOOOO!]), she sold a shitload of LPs and won a Grammy. Doesn’t mean she is talented, but she was majorly popular (sad to say). Not that that makes her in any way credible…

    Randy, I think, looks pretty good this year. Gastric bypass did him a mitzvah. He does sound ridiculous with all the “dude” and “dog” stuff. The bomb? More like a dud. I saw photos of a big-haired Jackson with the guys from Journey — in no way is this man cool. And I can’t grant him any credibility because of his incessant name-dropping: Whitney? Mariah? Who the hell cares? “You da BOMB, dog!” Please.

    As for the contestants:

    BO! BO! BO! Go Bo!

    And the oversinging seems to have diminished, but I suspect we will see more of it.

  • http://paperfrigate.blogspot.com DrPat

    more pornographic than Janet Jackson’ breast

    Thank you for giving me the words for my disturbance whenever this commercial shows, Shark! I much prefer the Subway toasted sandwiches — besides, their commercial is humorous. (Vindictive child melts snowman.)

  • Shark

    Natalie: “All the melanin-related stuff you’re spouting hurts and disappoints.”

    Natalie, please don’t be hurt or disappointed. I don’t discriminate: I loathe everybody.

  • Shark

    Dr. Pat, you mean I’m not alone?!

    I’M NOT ALONE!?

    whew.

    Thanks backatcha.

  • Shark

    Last night, Tues, 3/1/05, the wimmin’ performed. What can I say?

    They were all pretty bad. 10 hotel lounge lizards tryin’ to shake their booties into AI immortality.

    zzzzzzz.

    I still think the country gal stands out just a tiny bit from the rest, but to sing a Janis Joplin song is a big mistake — especially coming on the heels of Melissa Ethridge’s recent performance.

    Overall, 10 performances. 10 losers.

  • Eric Olsen

    dude, I thought you said Simon is always right: he liked a number of the performances lst night.

  • Shark

    Simon was on Zoloft last night.

    PS: Eric, I prefer “Yo, dog…” to “dude”. Thanks in advance.

  • Eric Olsen

    apologies and mad props, dog

  • http://blahblahblah Mary

    why do yall think whites r better huh well uh listen paula and randy r really cool and yall juss need to shut up and stop talk in bout people and this season is really good and none of them in there r bad so back off quears

  • Les Izmor

    RE: Comment #16. Just shut up,that’s all
    just shut up. And learn how to spell.And
    learn how to comprehend written words.
    And learn how to construct a sentence.
    And quit being racial. And quit being a
    homophobe.And quit being a Republican.
    And …