Ah, Shark has been dying to weigh in on this American cultural phenomena.
Exuse me if I’m late, kids, but I’m watching this show for the first time — so I’ll be able to coverse with my fellow semi-domesticated primates about something more important than everybody on the planet owning nook-yul-er weapons — or the apocalyptic BIRD FLU that approaches like the angel of death to wipe out probably 30 percent of the earth’s population and turn our economies back to medieval times.
1) That Simon guy is the greatest! He’s my hero. Of course, I’m sure everyone hates him, because the worst thing one can do these days is tell the spot-on, honest-ta-gawd truth to morons raised on our ubiquitous new “psychological” mantra: “Keep up your precious self-esteem regardless of whether you have any talent or character to justify it.” Everything Simon says is right. He’s never wrong. He is smart, thoughtful, and actually gives great advice. (I predict he’ll be assassinated before his next birthday.)
2) What the fuck is that has-been that never-was, Paula Abdul, doing ADVISING PEOPLE ABOUT TALENT? What? Should Hitler lecture people on sensitivity toward Jews? Should the late Christopher Reeves have given riding lessons? Jeezus. You must be joking!? What did she ever do in show-biz? Wasn’t she… like… some NFL cheerleader or something? Which means maybe her snatch would qualify for a stint on a Home Shopping Network sports memorabilia sale, but that’s about it.
3) And now we get to that fat black spud, “Randy” (his parents must have hated him). WHAT A FUCKING MAROON. How “hip” can this big turd of a human be? Doesn’t anyone have the heart to tell him that “YO!” – “dude” – “hey dog” – “da Bomb” — and holding your hands in front of you gesturing like you’re suffering from massive brain damage while trying to perform American Sign Language WENT OUT with Grandmaster Flash — who, like Randy’s “vernacular” — is old enough and stale enough to be in a Zip-Lock Bag seated in a wheelchair in a Brooklyn nursing home.
YO, RANDY, DUDE, DOG, YOU AIN’T DA BOMB, YO; you be a fuggin’ Oreo Cracker from Malibu with an inferiority complex. And you KNOW you were never within a BMW length of da hood, you fake motherfucker.
PS: Dropping “Beyonce’s” name every few minutes doesn’t impress me. You wanna impress me, lose some weight, speak English, and act your fucking age. ‘Kay? ‘kay.
4) They should make a show where the people THINK they’re auditioning for American Idol, but where the real object is this: the people who sing a STEVIE WONDER song are shot with a high-powered rifle by a U.S. Marine stationed in the balcony. It’s worthy of FOX — and damn; I’d watch it!
5) Half the women still in the competition (10 left as of this writing) can’t stay on key to save their lives. The other half might have short careers at Playboy Magazine.
6) I’m already sick of that technique where the singer adds about a thousand grace notes to what was originally ONE NOTE in the melody. This appears to be a “black thing” — but has quickly been requisitioned by singers from the white world who want to be the “next” _______ (fill in the blank). This is their way of saying “I’ve REALLY got a great voice” — but I’d like to point out that of about 100 historically CERTIFIED GREAT VOICES I can think of at the moment, NOT ONE OF THOSE SINGERS EVER, EVER, EVER FUCKING DID THAT. Stop. It. People.
7) I’ve already picked my “favorites” — and since I distrust the taste of the American public more than I distrust “looking into his soul” as a measuring stick when it comes to Vladamir Putin’s committment to Democracy — then I fully expect to have my heart broken way before this thing is through.
8) The rock guys, Bo and Constantine: nice contrast to the other Lounge Lizard wanna-bees. Unfortunately, neither will ever recover their “rock” credentials, and I predict they’ll both go home and pull a “Hunter Thompson” once they realize what they’ve done.
9) That young, beautiful country gal Carrie Underwood; what a breath of fresh air. Too good to last. I’ll buy her poster, though.
I’m sure there’s more, and I’m sure I’ll think of ‘em as soon as I hit SAVE.
But I assume FOX is going to drag this thing out for weeks, so there will be plenty of time for me to add my SIMON-LIKE impressions.