This article has been a long time in the writing. For many obvious reasons it’s more difficult for me (a straight woman) to write about what makes a woman a good lover – although I have been with a few women I never really enjoyed it. When asking most men what makes a woman a good lover you get a variation on the same answer time and again – "Opening her legs".
I think that statement pretty much establishes that most men don’t have a clue — hands up all those who didn’t already suspect that — particularly when it comes to sex. What I have found is that although men think about the actual act of sex, they don’t think about the art. And the Art of Sex is what I would like to focus on. Let’s face it, no woman needs tips on spreading her legs.
I’m going to start with some absolute basics.
- You must be comfortable in your own skin. Stop worrying about what he is thinking about your body – he doesn’t care right now. We’ve all heard that men are more visually stimulated than women and generally that’s true. However, once you’re in bed he isn’t thinking about how big your thighs are or how much cellulite you’re carrying on your ass and you shouldn’t be either. It doesn’t matter. Let yourself go and give yourself to the moment and to him. If you think of yourself as a sexy woman then you will feel sexy. This is one of the most important tips for being a good lover. Men often complain that women just lie there like a sack of potatoes (referred to as a dead lay) or stiffen up like a board (surfing). Stop worrying about what he’s thinking and instead concentrate on what you’re feeling. Let the pleasure take you. Let him have his way with you.
- Masturbate. How is he going to know how to touch you if you don’t? Masturbation is an incredibly important part of sex. Until you know just how and where you enjoy being touched he isn’t going to be able to figure it out. Relax and touch yourself. Masturbation is beautiful and fun. If it helps – think of it as the best kind of research ever! If you need advice on basic masturbation techniques I suggest reading The Art of Female Masturbation on Skinful.com. It’s very helpful.
- Touch him! You want to get to know his penis. Fondle it, stroke it, caress it, suck, taste and touch it in every way. It's a lot of fun and no way is he going to complain but be gentle, keep in mind how delicate that part of a man is. Every man's penis is different just like every vagina is different. Find out how and where he likes to be touched. Get him to show you how he likes to be touched. You could watch him masturbate, although I know this makes some men feel uncomfortable and I have never met a man who would do it for me. (I know it would turn me on.)
- Don’t be afraid to tell him what you want. Tell him or show him what do to, what you like, how you want to be touched. Try to be positive; men can be very sensitive, particularly if they think you’re criticising them. Also tell him what you’re thinking. I gave this advice to men in my last column but it is very good advice for women too. Tell him how good it feels when he slides inside of you or how much you like it when he kisses your neck, earlobes, big toe or whatever just tell him. He isn’t psychic! Men like to please and they will usually do whatever it takes but you need to let them know what that is.
I hope these basic tips will help you ladies and men to enjoy each other a little more. Sex is the most fun two consenting adults can have together. It is far and away my favourite pastime.