Today on Blogcritics
Home » Sex Tips For Men

Sex Tips For Men

Please Share...Print this pageTweet about this on Twitter0Share on Facebook0Share on Google+0Pin on Pinterest0Share on TumblrShare on StumbleUpon0Share on Reddit0Email this to someone

No, really, if she says no regularly then that’s a good indication that she isn’t enjoying sex. Women love sex just as much as men do. If it’s good, women love to shag. Of course, she hasn’t told you you’re not satisfying her. Women will talk to each other about how crappy you are, but won’t tell you. Why? Well, do you really want the woman you love (or whatever) to tell you that you can’t shag and frankly she would rather have a nice hot bath and masturbate while thinking of Brad, George, Ewan, or Johnny? Of course she isn’t going to tell you! So I am![ADBLOCKHERE]

If you think you don’t need to know this, because you don’t have a girlfriend or partner (or other), there’s probably a reason that you don’t. Also, women love to gossip about the men at the pubs and clubs they go to. Like who’s good, who’s not, who to avoid, who to buy a drink for and then pull into the nearest cab. So, it really is in your best interest to read this and remember it! I have given this same advice to many male friends. Believe me, they do help.

There are a few basic things all men need to know.

  1. Your tongue is NOT an electric whisk. Slow down already! For some reason, many men think that when they are kissing you, the faster and deeper their tongue is, the better. BULLSHIT! It isn’t a race and you’re not mining for coal. I’m a person and I need to breathe. This is really important! Women know that if a man is good at kissing, then he is usually good in bed. That is almost an absolute given.
  2. How a woman touches you is how she wants to be touched. (Told you this is good stuff!) When you go in for the kiss and she softly touches your cheek or the back of your neck – she is showing you where she wants you to touch her and how. Pay attention to her reactions. You will be able to tell if she is enjoying herself or not. If she isn’t, she’ll let you know. She will also let you know where to touch her. Follow her lead.
  3. Flat tongues are better for licking. Think of licking an ice cream cone. Your tongue should cover as much surface area as possible. How would you want her to lick your cock? With a small pointy tongue, she’s not writing her name. When you have your tongue in a woman’s fanny (for the Americans that is the word for pussy in Britain – brings a whole new purpose to mind when someone says fanny pack), kissing this is not a race. Take your time. And a little deep mining there is always appreciated.
  4. And my final tip (for now) is a general one.

  5. Tell her what you’re thinking! Women want to know. Why do you think we ask you so often (other than the vain hope of finding intelligence there somewhere)? This also applies in bed. Tell her you love the way she kisses, you love how soft her skin is, that her hair smells good, tell her she tastes good. I personally love it when my husband tells me (right after entering me) how good I feel, how much he loves being inside me. Women like to hear these things. It makes us feel sexy and confident.

These are general rules. All women are different of course and like different things. But these should help. And if this helps just one woman…it will all be worth it.

Powered by

About A.L. Harper

  • http://bonamassablog.us Joanie

    All good stuff. Of course, I can think of a million other things men need to know, but the big one is this: Late night booty calls are NOT the way to go. Unless it’s the woman who’s doing the calling. If you want to get laid, you better plan on putting in a little time with her before midnight.

  • CC

    And with blow jobs- do NOT, I repeat, do NOT put your hand on the back of her head, unless SHE puts it there. Stroke the side of her face or hair, but no head grab. How much more control do you need to have for Chrissake? You’re getting a blow job!

    Oh yeah, and boobs are not playdough- be gentle.

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    Um, I’m fairly certain women like what I tell them they should like.

  • chantal stone

    speaking of boobs…..just cuz your last girlfriend liked her nipples to be bitten, that doesn’t mean we all like that….easy with the teeth.

  • Scott Butki

    With blushing face I read this and save a copy for when I’m next in need of such advice.

    You think it’d be bad to pull it – this – out mid-passion-making?

    Ok, A.L. now I’m DEFINITELY convinced you’re not a man.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Joanie –

    This is just the first of many tips for men. I’ll keep that in mind for my next tips.

    I am on a tips for women. I hope that is as helpful.

    A.L.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    CC –

    Also in my next tips for men but this one was supposed to give men the VERY basics which so many seem to lack. They must crawl before they can…..add your own ending here

    A.L.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Mattew –

    Let me guess you don’t get out much do you.

    A.L.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Scott –

    Why not just frame them and put them above your bed? *smile*

    I’m glad you’re convinced I’m a woman. It makes the whole am I a good mother thing and the teenage pregnancy thing so much more believeable.

    A.L.

    Hey where is that desert island with the martians and munchkins?

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    CC –

    Another comment here I think you’ll find that when giving a blow job it’s you who has all the control. Put a mans penis in your mouth and he’ll do whatever you ask really.

    A.L.

  • Scott Butki

    A frame is a good idea.

    I’m still hunting for that island.

    Meanwhile i’m dealing with my laryingitis which is hampering my student teaching.

  • http://ruvysroost.blogspot.com Ruvy in Jerusalem

    Quoted from the author:

    …a woman’s fanny (for the Americans that is the word for pussy in Britain…

    I’ll have to remind my frieds NEVER to name their daughters “Fanny”…

  • Rodney Welch

    A.L. — Your comments make it hard to tell if you’re a frustrated woman or a man who has been beaten into painful submission. Which is it?

  • http://elvirablack.blogspot.com/ Elvira Black

    A.L.:

    BRAVO! Excellent advice.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Scott –

    With a frame at least your wife (or whomever) will know you’re trying and that is worth some brownie points.

    I’ll start looking for that island too.

    I can help with sex related issue but unless your laryingitis is hampering some kind of “oral” teaching all I can say is – Poor Scotty!

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Ruvy –

    That’s probably for the best really. And when you come to britain remember it’s a bum bag not a fanny pack.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Rodney –

    I am a woman but I’m not the frustrated one – these tips were inspired by a couple of single friends who can’t seem to find a decent lay. Most men seem to lack any knowledge of the basic techniques. Many, apparently, believing that porn films are real and all they have to do is be their “magnificent” selves.

    This is a lie, porn films aren’t real and they are made by men for men. You have to do more than just have a cock. It’s like riding bike really you may own one but you usually have to ask for help to actually learn to ride it.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Elvira –

    Thank you! I’m glad you approve!

  • http://ruvysroost.blogspot.com Ruvy in Jerusalem

    A.L.

    I’ll keep my money in my passport if I ever make it to Britain – in a deep pocket – and leave the assorted “packs” and “bags” at home. But thank you for the heads up.

  • http://www.midnitcafe.blogspot.com Mat Brewster

    Oh yeah, and boobs are not playdough- be gentle.

    Crap, I guess I’d better stop trying to make little snakes out of them then.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Ruvy –

    Always trying to be helpful!

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Mat –

    Just how hard do you like your balls squeezed? Consider these things before proceeding in future.

    Chantal –

    I think some men may think it’s like breast feeding have you ever had that. Not sexy.

  • http://ruvysroost.blogspot.com Ruvy in Jerusalem

    A.L.

    I enjoyed your article. It was very entertaining – and if I were thirty or thirty five years younger, would have been very instructional as well.

    There were cetain things in there that I’ve tried to forget over the years – like how women gossip and over what. The article was a reminder to me that no matter how degrees you may have, you never really get out of high school…

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Ruvy –

    I am very glad you enjoyed my article! It’s never too late to improve your love making techniques though. I would try doing something different with your partner and see what happens. You may be pleasantly surprised. I bet she will.

  • Hey that’s my Toilet

    Women love when you punch them in the breasts. Spitting is (i’ve been told) a real turn on for most women. Then I cut their hair while they are asleep. Gets them coming back everytime.

  • CC

    A.L. ‘Crawl before they can…’

    That sounds kinky! LOL

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    CC –

    Could be. Probably a hell of a lot of fun. Why don’t you try it and let me know.

  • http://gratefuldread.net Natalie Davis

    God, this made me blush. You heterosexuals are such dirty scamps.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Natalie –

    Glad I could make you blush! Just wait for my “Sex Tips For Women”.

  • Rodney Welch

    Ask a dozen women and you may get a dozen different views on how they want to be sexed up. Ever read Dan Savage’s “Savage Love” column? He once devoted a whole column to readers explaining the right way to perform cunnilingus. Here is his closing summation:

    OK, let’s review what we’ve learned about cunnilingus: Use little saliva; use lots of saliva; use your teeth; don’t use your teeth; focus on the clit; explore the whole pussy; lick the alphabet but don’t tell her; lick the alphabet and tell her; don’t stick your tongue in; stick your tongue in; don’t stick your fingers in; stick your fingers in.

  • Chief Smakaho

    Do women like to have their “brown eye” licked?
    What about 2 in the pink, 1 in the stink??
    Fisting?? Rusty Trombone?? Donkey Punch????
    You ignored all the real issues. Poor article.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Rodney –

    Maybe if he had spent more time using his tongue ON women instead of just asking them questions he would have had more information to pass along. You chould try that.

    Let me know what the results are.

  • http://gratefuldread.net Natalie Davis

    Thanks, Ms. Harper, but being celibate (and a prude, according to my mother), the info would be wasted on me.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Chief –

    This was just the basics. Both for men like you, who haven’t really had that much experience and men who really like women and want to improve their technique. If you try these things I promise I’ll help you with your other questions later. But first you have to lose your virginity darlin’.

  • Chief Smakaho

    A.L., I can give a woman an orgasm by just making eye contact with her.

    How about suggesting Kegal exercises to women. Makes it better for both. SQUEEZE!! Release. SQUEEZE!!

    Instead of suggesting that men talk during sex, tell women to stop talking before and after. Now that’s hot.

    What kind of sex in the city whores do you hang out with?
    “who’s good, who’s not, who to avoid, who to buy a drink for and then pull into the nearest cab”

    We call women like you “cougars”. Middle aged and on the prowl for young meat. You sexy little vixen.

  • Rodney Welch

    A.L., Dan Savage is gay. The column was devoted to what other women wrote in, and he just did the wrap-up.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Chief –

    Middle aged? I’m 35 – you would have to be 16 to consider me middle aged. However the comment “A.L., I can give a woman an orgasm by just making eye contact with her. ” hints that you are 16. *whispers in your ear* that’s not how to give a girl an orgasm. That may be where you’re going wrong.

    PS – Young Meat? You wish! I prefer real men.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Rodney –

    You take tips on giving sexual pleasure to women from a gay man? Maybe that’s where you’ve gone wrong darlin’.

  • http://www.rodneywelch.blogspot.com/ Rodney Welch

    A.L. — Do you have reading comprehension problems or what? The column was a collection of tips from WOMEN, none of whom agreed. Here’s a nickel. Buy yourself a clue.

  • CC

    #30 Yes, but we often DO agree on some pretty basic stuff. Savage was probably trying to articulate that it all depends on the woman. He was most likely just giving basic tools for guys to use to see which ones a particular woman responds to…so he go with those. He might have been saying you can’t paint all women with a broad brush.

    I’m curious- what was the motivation of your comment? To be funny, or to make a stereotypical comment regarding the ‘fickle’ nature of women? Just so we’re clear here.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Rodney –

    I got what the column was about I just didn’t understand what relevance YOU thought it had. Just because women, like men, are all different and prefer differing techniques doesn’t mean there aren’t some VERY important basics that apply to all. If you notice I don’t actually give any specific tips. You’ll have to do some homework yourself.

    If you were, as I suspect, simply trying to comment on the fickle nature of women – that is just sexist and isn’t welcome here.

    I’d give you your nickel back but the kind of clue you need costs a hell of a lot more than 5 cents.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    CC –

    Thank you for the support.

  • Rodney Welch

    A.L. –

    You’re confused about your own column. You say you give basics that aren’t specific. What the hell do you call “Your tongue is NOT an electric whisk” and “Flat tongues are better for licking”? They ARE specific, and thay are matters on which not everyone agrees. Your advice is by no means universal, and if it’s not universal, it’s hardly basic.

    You say: “Just because women, like men, are all different and prefer differing techniques doesn’t mean there aren’t some VERY important basics that apply to all.”

    This is a contradiction, as their techniques may not include your picayune basics to begin with.

    “If you were, as I suspect, simply trying to comment on the fickle nature of women – that is just sexist and isn’t welcome here.”

    You’re the sexist, honey, the one who thinks her mummified ideas of boudoir conduct apply to everyone. You’re the one standing on a platform, stridently advising one half of humanity how to eat the other, not me.

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    Rodney, put down the shovel.

  • chantal stone

    Rodney…..honey, take a chill pill….why are you getting so upset over a little friendly sex-advice?

    your defensiveness is only an indication that somewhere on this thread, a nerve was struck. no one here is attacking your personal love-making or pussy-eating techniques.

    either you can take the advice, and make your lover a whole lot happier, or you can continue as you were.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Rodney –

    If you’re concerned that your love making abilities aren’t up to scratch then you really should ask your partner. No advice will help you alleviate your insecurities. All I can say to you is – talk to her or him. Ask specific questions. Men aren’t psychic and women don’t expect them to be. All we want is you to care enough to ask and not be hurt when we tell you the honest truth. It may not be what you want to hear. Don’t get frustrated it’s not a personal reflection.

    The electric whisk thing was more about kissing than oral sex. Although I certainly wouldn’t want a man moving his tongue around my ladies bit too quickly.

    I haven’t been strident about anything. I do in fact state that this is GERNERAL advice and like any advice, if you don’t like it you CAN just move on. You don’t have to read anymore.

  • trooper_D

    Not to brag or anything, but my lady tells me that she enjoys the way I treat her. She loves when I tell her how beautiful she is while hugging her. My blowing gentle breaths alongside her neck down to her chest sends shivers throughout her body, especially when I gently nibble along her neck after blowing my breath. I can feel her body quiver as I’m doing it.

    After an abusive marriage that she glady ended, compared to her “ex”, I am a god-send to her. She truly enjoys the moments where we’d just walk hand-in-hand in the park, stopping just long enough to steal kisses and just enjoy each other’s company. There are moments where we’d just slow dance to the boom box at home, just the two of us, after a nice home cooked meal. And the love making???? Well, no complaints from her.

    That is why after 10 years of wonderful togetherness, we will soon be tying the knot. We felt that the time is right for us to be together forever. One thing that helps our relationship stay afloat is that there are no lies between us. We always confess to one another any problems that may occur between us and work it out together, as a couple, instead of individuals. This may sound “old fashioned”, but it works for us.

    This love was tested about a year after her divorce, when it was discovered through a routine exam that she had several lumps embedded in her stomach. We were afraid that it was cancerous, but luckily it was caught in time, and the lumps were removed without problems, and she has been healthy since then. She was afraid that I was going to leave her back then, but I could not, knowing that she’d need me to be there for her. And I haven’t left her side since.

    Women were not made to be hit on. They are beautiful, gentle creatures that need much TLC. We men have to learn to be more appreciative of the woman we choose as our life partners, and to take care of them as long as we’re capable. Take care of her, treat her well, and the rewards will be great.

  • Rodney Welch

    A.L. Please notice I’ve resisted the temptation to say anything about you on a personal level, such as whether your lover’s whisking tongue reflects an anxious desire to be shed of an unpleasant chore as soon as humanly possible. This isn’t about me or you. What I’m responding to is the tone in your letter that indicates you are some kind of authority on this subject, which of course you believe you are while I believe you are simply full of hot air. At any rate, I’m officially sick of you, so we’ll leave it at that.

  • Chief Smakaho

    Trooper, congratulations. You found a woman that repects a man that spews that sensitive bullshit.

    Most women are submissive. Be a man and take charge. Stop being such a puss, pull her hair and tap that shit from the back. If you don’t she’ll find someone that will.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Rodney –

    You’re so fun…

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Trooper –

    Wow…..

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Chief –

    This is the reason that you’re alone and bitter dearest. But I’m guessing you know that.

  • chantal stone

    comments like #49 are so tedious

  • http://www.educateddoubt.com lori

    Boy, I thought my writing tips article got a lot of flak.

    I have to say, though, sex columns that are written in definitives (don’t do this, do that) are asking to be criticized. I disagree completely that there are some “basics” that are true for all women (or men).

    When giving sex tips, it’s probably better to present them as things you can try if you’re looking to spice things up or try something different, rather than as a list of universal do’s and dont’s.

    It is a little arrogant for one woman to claim she speaks for all of us. I’m the only person who can say what I do or don’t like. And that’s the probably the only truism there is about sex.

  • chantal stone

    whatever happened to the idea that sex is FUN?
    it feels good, and is meant to be FUN…..
    therefore, talking about sex can and should be fun, and reading an article about “sex tips”, which was clearly written in a light and fun tone, should be taken as…hmm, whats the word?….FUN.

    i don’t view A.L. as arrogant or sexist…she just sounds like a woman who is more then satisfied with her sex-life, who is confident enough to write about it, and share a few light-hearted tips for those willing to listen (…uh, read).

    this article didn’t sound like the end-all be-all to lovemaking technique, it’s not a lover’s manual for all to adhere.

  • http://alienboysworld.blogspot.com/ Christopher Rose

    I can’t find anything in A.L. Harper’s words that supports the claim that “the tone in your letter that indicates you are some kind of authority on this subject” nor “to claim she speaks for all of us”.

  • Chief Smakaho

    Sex should be physical, sensual, and emotional. In that order. Every woman needs to get “Road Housed” once in a while. Whispers and gentle touching are great, but not all the time. If you want to have good sex, try it in the bathroom at a family function. BANG BANG BANG

  • http://www.educateddoubt.com lori

    “I have given this same advice to many male friends. Believe me, they do help. There are a few basic things all men need to know.”

    Straight from the post. Sounds a little like an authority speaking, doesn’t it?

    As for speaking for all women, the entire post does it. The whole thing says “women like this, women don’t like that.”

    That’s speaking for all women, not just the writer.

    Example: “Women know that if a man is good at kissing, then he is usually good in bed. That is almost an absolute given.”

    Really? That’s news to me.

    BTW, there are a lot of personal attacks on Rodney Welch on this thread. I thought there was a policy against such things.

  • http://alienboysworld.blogspot.com/ Christopher Rose

    Lori, as part of my comment editing duties I get regular practice at tightrope walking. Despite being bruised from several falls, I still see this debate as within the bounds of argy-bargy. Just!

  • http://www.educateddoubt.com lori

    There’s definitely some back-and-forth sparring. But if commenting that you think someone is sexually insecure, frustrated, or beaten into submission isn’t a personal attack, what is? I mean, how much more personal can you get?

  • http://alienboysworld.blogspot.com/ Christopher Rose

    Lori, personal yes — but impersonal would be a bit er, stiff, if you’ll forgive the term. Let’s call it educated doubt… 😉

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Chantal –

    Thanks for the support and I’m glad someone understands this is supposed to be fun. I don’t consider myself an expert – just very well traveled.

    I honestly believe sex is the most fun two adults can have together and if it’s not going to be fun it should be done.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Lori –

    “Example: “Women know that if a man is good at kissing, then he is usually good in bed. That is almost an absolute given.”

    Really? That’s news to me.”

    Is it honestly? All those who didn’t know this please raise your hand.
    I never landed a personal attack on Rodney. I’ll be nice to him now I didn’t know he was your boyfriend.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Christopher –

    I like it when you say stiff.

    *laugh*

    This entire blog and all the comments are tongue in cheek (*giggle*) to go with the tone of the article. I have never said I was an expert at sex (although…) in fact I think you’ll find that the closing statement
    “These are general rules. All women are different of course and like different things. But these should help. And if this helps just one woman…it will all be worth it.”

    Says just that.

  • RogerMDillon

    A.L,

    If these “are general rules” because “[a]ll women are different of course and like different things.” than why state they “are a few basic things all men need to know”. It’s contradictory.

    Maybe Christopher overlooked this this part, because if all men need to know this, that does sound like you are speaking for all women, unless you are informing all men to be prepared for when they get their chance with you.

    Also, feel free to respond to a number of people at once and stopped padding the comments.

  • chantal stone

    A.L…..i can’t believe so many people are taking this all so seriously and getting their panties all in a twist over it.

    PEOPLE: it’s just a fun little article about sex…NOT a big deal. either go with it, or don’t. but when you get all bent out of shape because someone tries to pass along a little harmless sex-advice, you give the impression that you ain’t gettin’ any. *smirk*

    A.L……i can’t wait for the response your “sex tips for women” will bring! lol

  • http://gratefuldread.net NR Davis

    Hand raised.

    I’ve experienced men who were thoroughly magnificent kissers and yet woefully inadequate and uninteresting and often repulsive in the sack. Great guys, but just not suited for me.

    “…I didn’t know he was your boyfriend.”

    I didn’t know this was high school.

    Obviously your comments to/about Mr. Welch were meant to be insulting and condescending – whom, Ms. Harper, do you think you’re kidding?

    Defending someone – and I can’t believe it is necessary to say this to an adult – connotes nothing more than the defense of another human being from beyond-the-pale statements made by others.

    Guess this makes Mr. Welch my boyfriend and Ms. Lori my girlfriend. Lucky me.

    NR Davis

  • http://www.educateddoubt.com lori

    A.L., you really can’t help yourself from going after the commenters personally and not the content of the comments, can you?

  • http://www.educateddoubt.com lori

    lol, NR.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    chantal –

    Tell me about it! Loving it!

    Roger, Ms Davis, Lori –

    Thank you for caring enough to read this and take it so seriously. I appreciate your comments please comment further.

    Or go and have a glass of wine and chill out a little. That’s what I’m going to do now.

  • http://www.educateddoubt.com lori

    A.L., maybe you’re not ready to have your writing critiqued (it *is* Blogcritics, after all) in a public space if your only response is to say that people who don’t agree with what you wrote are uptight or need to get laid.

  • chantal stone

    lori…actually i’m the one who made the “need to get laid” implication, but that was all in fun….JUST like the tone of this article.

    i really don’t think the issue is whether or not one agrees with what A.L. was saying….it seems its more about the fact that the intent of the article has been misinterpreted.

  • chantal stone

    again, though….not a big deal

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    People! It is a fun little piece about sex. That’s all. You can tear it apart all you want! You go for it!

    Chantal –

    I think you may be my new best friend. I really like you girl!

  • http://darkeroticism.blogspot.com swingingpuss

    Sex tip? Have kids! When you finally get ‘adult time’ after as long as a month’s wait a quickie is the best thing ever 😉

  • chantal stone

    A.L…..i already decided you were my new best friend after you wrote that ‘blow job’ article.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Swingingpuss –

    Been there done that bought the postcard. It gets better thank god.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Chantal –

    Still planning on celebrating that one?! I may throw a Steak and Blowjob day party.

  • http://www.djradiohead.com DJRadiohead

    Allow me to be crude and cheeky (and I hope funny) when I say, “That is one party to which I want an invitation!”

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    DJ –

    Consider yourself invited! But you bring the steak. Deal?

  • trooper_D

    Chief Smakaho… I’ve never believed in being so aggresive to my mate. You sound like someone who’s afraid of expressing any type of emotion to anyone, most especially, to your mate (if you have one at all).

    I have never read anything stating that a man has to show much macho egotisms to their mate. So what if I sound like a wuss to you or any other male here who thinks I’m weak. I am a human being. I am not afraid to show love, or cry, or laugh or get angry when needed. Nor am I afraid to defend my character.

    All I know is that the love in my heart for my girl is real, and so is hers. It’s a great relationship that we have, because “WE COMMUNICATE” with one another. Without communication, there can never be an understanding of each other’s feelings to work out problems.

    I’ve had other girlfriends in the past, but nothing can compare to what I have now. Unless a man gets off his high pedastal and come down to the humble level, he will never have a wonderful relationship with his mate, because things will be too “one-sided.”

    I guess my character is based on the fact that I am firefighter, and after seeing life being destroyed all to easily, life is definitely too short to be BS’ing on an ego trip. Maybe my illness is due to the fact that I enjoy life right now to think so negatively. And not to go into much detail, we’ve had sex in places other than the bedroom. Yes… I do like to ‘experiment’ every so often, when the time is right. And it’s even more fun when you’re doing it with someone you love so very much.

    So with that, I will leave all male parties who have high egos alone and go on doing what I enjoy doing. And that is to keep loving my girl the way I see fit. And if anyone doesn’t like it, sorry to say that you’ll never know true happiness.

  • trooper_D

    Let me rephrase that last sentence. It should’ve said:

    “And if anyone doesn’t like it, sorry that I’m not able to make YOU happy!”

    (hands moved faster than the brain…) :p

  • http://alienboysworld.blogspot.com/ Christopher Rose

    I feel like having a sex change operation and stealing trooper_D off his girlfriend. Cool date!

  • CC

    I second that Christopher. Also, Trooper_D is a firefighter. Talk about the ultimate ‘fantasy’. What is sad is one of my previous boyfriends worked at UPS, but they didn’t let him keep the uniform. *sniff cry*

  • CC

    I don’t see why some are getting their panties in a wad either about the ‘expert’ thing or not, seems to me this is all in good fun. Honestly Rodney & lori- no offense intended, but you guys seem to be just looking to pick a fight with someone. Is this the case? Can we please have ONE board that remains light-hearted & fun?
    BTW- even true experts in the field, Dr.Ruth, Joyce Brothers?, etc don’t claim to have ALL the answers or speak for EVERYONE. C’mon with that.

  • trooper_D

    I’m not an expert myself. I just wanted to share my personal experience to let women know that not all guys are jerks, that there are some decent men out there who really care and know how to treat a woman right.

    CC- I tried to have sex with my bunker gear on… too many snaps to deal with and talk about the ultimate sweat suit… hoooooo boy!!!!! At least I get to keep my dress uniforms because it won’t fit anyone else in the department.

  • http://www.djradiohead.com DJRadiohead

    One steak, coming up.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Trooper –

    Let me say it again. Wow…..and a fireman – Wow…… Your girlfirend is a very lucky woman. I don’t need a sex change cause I’m already a girl, so if things don’t work out for you give me a call! *cheeky grin*

    CC –

    Thank you! I’m glad some people get that this is supposed to be light hearted. Lets have fun people!

    Dj –

    Your place or mine?

  • http://www.djradiohead.com DJRadiohead

    It’s your party… I’m just bringin’ the steak.

  • http://www.djradiohead.com DJRadiohead

    So… you know… you’re call. Have steak. Will travel. =)

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    DJ –

    Pity I live in Scotland huh.

  • http://www.djradiohead.com DJRadiohead

    Yeah. Bit of a stretch there. =)

  • mike

    I think it all depends on a mood and who u are with, some are submissive, some are not. Some like it rougher some do not, let her enjoy what she is like and she will make u happy

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Mike –

    That is very sage advice.

  • Earl E. Cumming

    Nobody’s brought up ANAL sex, I guess I’ll have to. So often it’s done wrong that most women think it’s necessarily painful, unhygienic, etc. When done right, it can be pleasurable for both partners.

    Take your time and use lots of lube. Remember, the goal is not just to butt-fuck her ass, it’s to butt-fuck her heart too. Enjoy!

  • trooper_D

    A.L.- I’d take you up on that offer, if only I can find my black book…. :( Besides, my other half looks over my shoulder once in a while so I have to behave **whacks on the head by GF**

    Never tried the anal stuff myself. Guess I’m too busy making my girl happy and going muff diving every once in a while… 😉

  • *anonymous*

    anal sex is highly underrated

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    You’re right anal sex is very pleasurable when done right. If a man is gentle and slow at first. Anal sex is highly under rated however I would consider anal sex slightly more than BASIC. I’ll get to that later.

    Trooper –

    I didn’t mean to get you into trouble.

  • Dawn

    Well if everyone is going to tell everyone what everyone else likes, let me just say – skip the tongue and stick with the penetration.

    Who has time for all that nonsense?

    Anal sex should also be skipped, unless of course you are two lonely cowboys.

    But, hey that’s just me telling you anonymous sexual persons what to like.

    Clearly A.L. was giving some basic guidelines, but I agree with Lori, sexual pleasure is very subjective.

  • trooper_D

    All in fun, A.L., all in fun! My other half is a good sport…. (thank goodness)

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Dawn –

    I was just giving some fun and basic suggestions. Sexual pleasure is very subjective. In fact sometimes something I liked one night is a complete turn off the next. It’s always best to talk to each other.

    In the spirit of fun and suggestion may I say – maybe you need to find a man who knows how to use his tongue because it can be so good. Being tongue f*@ked can be mind-blowing.

  • chantal stone

    i second that 😉

  • Scott Butki

    I’ll just sit here, blushing.

  • trooper_D

    And I’ll third that notion, A.L. I get no complaints from my girl when I go ‘muff diving’. She is soooo sweet… awooooooooooo!!!!

  • http://journals.aol.com/vicl04/THESAVAGEQUIETSEPTEMBERSUN/ Victor Lana

    I am mystified by the alternate definition of “fanny” noted here. I guess it’s like using “lorry” or “truck” but with slightly more important implications.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Chantal – I knew you would! I quiver just thinking about it.

    Scott – Don’t blush, try it!

    Trooper – Don’t go there I’m already jealous!

    Victor – It really pays to know some of the alternitve slang. Here if you want to bum a fag you’re like to get a cigarette, if you say your money is in your fanny pack people will look at your wife strangely and if you call a child a bugger (a derogatory term for a gay man) your likely to get kicked in the bollocks.

  • http://gratefuldread.net NR Davis

    I’m sure that there are men who excel at giving women… er… you know, but generally speaking, it makes sense that a woman would be better at it. Just sayin’… Mileage varies, of course, but that logic has proven true in my experience.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    NR –

    I have only been with 3 women but in my, very limited, experience they are better. But then they know where everything is and probably have had a lot more experience than most men. Hard to tell.

  • http://gratefuldread.net NR Davis

    Some would consider a person who has had three lovers, whatever their gender, quite experienced. Again, the miles, they vary.

    But that is exactly my point: Women would know where everything is *and* how it feels to be in the recipient’s position (one hopes). And, of course, if she is enthusiastic about making love with a woman (and one would hope so if she is engaging in same-gender physical intimacy; having sex with someone you don’t want to be with murders the soul), the combination of knowhow, empathy, enthusiasm and love makes it aMAzing, mindblowing, life-affirming, spirit-cleansing, and so awesome that you just want to thank the creator over and over and over again. That combination is something I can’t imagine being possible – for me, anyway – with a man.

  • http://alienboysworld.blogspot.com/ Christopher Rose

    I wouldn’t necessarily consider someone quite experienced based on the number of partners.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Christopher – I agree. I think experience is arbitrary. 3 would be quite experienced for some and just a few to others.

    NR – Speaking as woman who loves men and has been with women – I have had that earth-shattering, mind-blowing, consciousness-awakening experience but only with men. I think that kind of sexual experience has very little to do with the sex being good and more to do with the feeling that you are sharing an emotional and physical experience and forming a deep bond with someone who is important to you.

    I can’t have that kind of deep intimate sexual bond with a woman because I only feel that for men. But you obviously feel that for women. I think we’re lucky to feel it at all really. Whomever you feel it with.

    But it’s not enough to make me believe in God.

  • http://gratefuldread.net NR Davis

    Neither would I, Mr. Rose, but the truth is that some people would.

    Ms. Harper, anyone who gets to have that experience is indeed lucky; I miss that feeling more than words can express fully.

    You may be right for some in terms of saying that the huge impact is related to love, not sex, but in my experience, a) the two *must* accompany each other (for me; others should follow their consciences, not mine), and b) I have experienced sex so awful with someone I did love (inevitably, these soul-crushing experiences involved men; not their fault, of course, they did what they could) that did nothing but reinforce my desire to die. As I’m married (horrid, rash, stupid long-ago decision; yes, we suffer for it every day, though we do care about each other as friends some of the time), I’ve had to give up the activity entirely.

    Oh, and the creator doesn’t have to be a deity.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    NR –

    Why would you stay in a situation that makes you so unhappy? Life is too short to allow yourself this kind of pain. Why don’t you move on? If he doesn’t love you and you don’t love him there can’t be anything to save.

  • http://gratefuldread.net NR Davis

    It’s extremely complicated. Short story: We are friends who love each other (sometimes), we have kids, and we believe integrity requires keeping sacred promises and fulfilling obligations, however much it hurts. “For better or worse” is supposed to include sticking around for the “worse.” As awful as it is for me, I am sure it is worse for the ever-willing spouse in many ways.

  • CC

    NR- do you both have the understanding, that you can find happiness from ‘outside’ sources, for now? Who is requiring you to stick around for the ‘worse’? Even if its someone of consequence(such as yourselves), if you find yourselves as too unhappy to endure it any longer, please know there are communities out there & people that will support you, no matter what-especially once your children grow to a certain age.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    NR –

    I grew up in a home where my parents didn’t love each other and I know that you’re not doing your children any favours. They will grow up without really knowing how they should relate to the person they’re with. They will struggle to know what appropriate reactions are and how far they should let love and trust stretch. Honest reactions are very difficult to gauge because you haven’t seen them in relation to the deep bond of love two people should have when married. Believe me it is something I struggle with everyday.

    Eventually you and your husband won’t be friends anymore and that is even more difficult to deal with. My parents can’t be in the same room together and they have been divorced for 20 years. Only my mother could be present at the birth of my child, only my dad came to my wedding. It is MUCH more difficult for children when your parents stay together for the wrong reasons than when they can be apart and still function as parents together.

  • http://ruvysroost.blogspot.com Ruvy in Jerusalem

    A.L.

    There is another side to all this. I know of an individual who cheated on his wife for a decade, but waited until his father-in-law was dead (so that the heartbreak of seeing a divorce shouldn’t kill him) and until his kids were grown before seeking a divorce.

    When he did so, he made sure his ex had a coöp to live in – he paid the monthly fee for quite a number of years – and he contributed to her medical care.

    His sons still wanted to have nothing to do with him for many years. His former brother-in-law wanted nothing to do with him. His ex wanted nothing to do with him for many years. Of course, here there was also the issue of betrayal. He had kept his side action very quiet.

    But no matter how you slice the shwarma, there is always a price paid somewhere when a relationship goes wrong. Ms. Davis and her husband may be both working to minimize that price.

    Sorry to introduce this serious note to your fun article.

  • trooper_D

    I think my girl is an example of what NR is going through. The last straw was when her ‘ex’ (who was still her husband at the time), gave their youngest child too much stress that made her breakdown.

    She was already laying the groundwork to leave when that incident occurred. She paid off all their credit card bills, refinanced their mortgage and slowly moved items out of their once happy home. After years of verbal abuse from her husband, she had decided that enough is enough and sought out her independence from him. She was never happy being in that situation, that is why she was determined to leave him. So after that incident, she packed up the rest of her stuff and left. Her son and daughter are adult children and decided to stay with their dad.

    She did try to save their marriage. She wanted to seek counseling, he didn’t want to, thinking that nothing was wrong with their marriage. How blinded he was to see only his side of the story, his mind blinded by fantasy.

    NR – All I can say is if you’re not happy, and if you’ve tried all avenues to salvage your marriage, than do what your heart tells you. If you want to leave… leave. Only you can tell yourself what you really want in life, and only you can make that change happen if you want it bad enough. Life is too short, happiness can be found out there if you’re willing to take that chance to seek it. Good luck and be strong.

  • http://gratefuldread.net NR Davis

    First, we do love each other. It’s just not a romance. Lots of people do without that.

    Second, we’ve both done counseling and it has helped with the day to day.

    “do you both have the understanding, that you can find happiness from ‘outside’ sources, for now?”

    That’s called adultery. We are both opposed to it.

    “Who is requiring you to stick around for the ‘worse’?”

    God. Principle. Our sense of right and wrong.

    As previously stated, our situation is extremely complicated – and we’re dealing here with two extremely serious people who are guided by carved in-stone principle. We were apart for over a year seven years ago, an exceedingly happy time when I briefly experienced something truly magnificent, but a crisis involving our son forced it to end and forced a reconciliation. We will revisit the question when our boy is grown if we live that long, but for now, it is what it is and what it must be and we are resigned to deal as gracefully as possible with a horrid situation that never would have occurred had society not been what it is and had I been less of a self-loathing, acquiescent wimp. Is it tough? Absolutely, but who does not have problems? How many out there are truly happy? Damn few, I suspect. If you make a messy bed, you must lay in it – or on the sofa, as the case is. In the meantime, we exist as best we can.

    Really, folks, life isn’t all about sex. If I can’t have what I really want and need, I just want equality, financial security, my dream guitar, cable TV and peace. Oh, and I’m sick of patchwork, catch-as-catch-can Internet dialup. If I can achieve those things, anything more, like romance, would be gravy.

    For those of you who are happy and able to revel in the wonderfulness of physical intimacy, I salute you. Have a blast with it.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Ruvy – No worries about the somber note. I appreciate that you had something to say there.

    Trooper – I’m glad your girl is happy now and has found someone who obviously adores her so much. She is very lucky.

    NR – My heart goes out to you. I hope someday you learn what a – for lack of a better word – miracle true love is and what it can bring to you and all those who surround you, whatever the circumstances. And I’m not just talking sex here.

    Also there is A LOT more to marriage and love than cable TV, financial security and a great guitar (for me that would be motorbike). I’m not talking about romance or even sex there is so much more to it. I hope you aren’t doing yourself, your son and your husband a great disservice by forgetting that.

  • http://ruvysroost.blogspot.com Ruvy in Jerusalem

    A.L.

    What I have to say strays a bit from mind-blowing orgasms and how to get them.

    When my mother passed away, I was 36, unmarried (divorced) and had not accomplished one of my big goals – becoming a husband and father. Both my parents were dead. I realized that my generation would be the next to fall into the grave, so I had only so much time to accomplish what I was charged to do.

    I made the decision to find a wife, and to do what I had to to accomplish that goal. By the time one year had passed from my mother’s death, I was engaged to be married.

    I want to make clear that I wouldn’t change the woman I married for anything. She is a wonderful woman who is a fantastic mother and great wife. I love her a great deal. But the original reason for meeting her was not romance. That came with time.

    Romance is not the be all and end all that some make it out to be. It’s great, just like sex is great. But it is a tool to accomplish something, just as sex is. When you hear life’s clock ticking and you realize that there are yet things you need to accomplish, that is something that comes clear to the mind.

  • http://gratefuldread.net NR Davis

    Ms. Harper, I have had true love. As noted, I had to give her up for my son’s sake. Trust me, I know what I am missing.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Ruvy – I like you. You’re so formal.

    You are of course correct in that romance and sex are not the end all and be all. That is what I said. I’m glad that you found what you want.

    NR – I didn’t mean to offend you.

    I don’t understand how you could do what you did and I hope I never do.

  • http://gratefuldread.net NR Davis

    Ms. Harper, I too wish you never do. I wouldn’t wish it for my worst enemy, if I had one.

  • chantal stone

    i think it’s time for a big group hug…..

    A.L……i love this article, not only for the fun sex-tip part, but also for the intimate conversation that it has inspired.

    Ruvy…..i love reading you, you are a fascinating person to me, and although i do not always agree with everything you say (on other threads) i can usually count on learning something.

    NR…..my heart goes out to you and your family. but please don’t mistake it for sympathy…its empathy. you seem like an amazing and interesting woman with a whole-lotta character and principle. it’s tragic that you had to give up your ‘true-love’, but when you think about it, many people go through life never experiencing love like that in the first place. those of us who have experienced it at all, even if for only a short time, are truly the lucky ones, i believe…..’better to have loved and lost……’ –as the saying goes. you have family and friends and the memories of a great love…all good things. happiness will be yours again to have, i strongly believe that.

    trooper D…all i can say is ‘wow’…your lady is certainly blessed, and so are you, i’m sure.

  • http://gratefuldread.net NR Davis

    “Better to have loved and lost…”

    Sometimes I believe that. Most times I do not.

  • chantal stone

    NR…i wish you would believe it. but either way, i sincerely hope that you do have fulfillment and happiness in your life.

    i wish there was a magic combination of words to say to make your choices in life seem fair. but the fact remains, they are your choices. just please remember that you still have choices YET to be made. life is still in the running.

    anyway….even though its already been stated that a fabulous sex-life can be overrated, its apparent that each of us is different. some people are just inherently more sexual than others. some people can live happy, fulfilled lives with a less than stellar sex life, while others need great sex in order to feel complete.

    i don’t think its up for judgement, its just another example of the diversity between all of us.

  • http://gratefuldread.net NR Davis

    Who ever said life had to be fair, Ms. Stone? And for that matter, who said that happiness or fulfillment were necessary part of life’s equation? For many people, all it is and ever will be is existence, getting from one day to the next and doing what needs doing. If you can find some measure of happiness and fulfillment along the way, more power to you, but you must accept in this acceptance of diversity, that many people – more than you might suspect – are merely taking care of obligations and marking time, and some are actively praying for time’s end.

  • chantal stone

    NR…i guess it’s just difficult for me to understand…’life as mere existence’. the eternal optimist and romantic in me can’t even begin to fathom that notion. i can not help but believe that there’s so much more to life than just getting from one day to the next. if that were the case, then the GOOD things wouldn’t feel so good, would they?

    but alas, to each his/her own. our differences are what make this life so beautiful for me.
    and please, just call me chantal. :)

  • CC

    “do you both have the understanding, that you can find happiness from ‘outside’ sources, for now?”

    [That’s called adultery. We are both opposed to it]

    I wasn’t necessarily talking just about sex, I should have made that more clear. I was also talking about companionship, soul-mate, etc. Hopefully you have close friends with whom to be emotionally intimate. I’m thinking back to the times when I’ve been with someone I was no longer in love with, & I was much lonelier than if I had just been single. I stayed too long & ended up too sad & resenting the other person & also feeling guilty for wasting both our time with someone we were not in love with. Of course, actually being married & having children does make the situation more complicated. I just hope it is not too much sacrifice on your part, even if its for your children’s sake. hang in there

  • http://alienboy.wordpress.com/ Christopher Rose

    Ms Davis, I don’t know the ages of your children but soon the passage of time alone may lift some of your burden of responsiblity and duty.

    It may not be imprudent to wait until your labour of love – for that is truly what so heroically and indeed romantically you are doing now – is over before deciding the future path of your truly precious life…

  • http://ruvysroost.blogspot.com Ruvy in Jerusalem

    Ms. Davis,

    I have to agree with Chris in his observations. You are doing a labor of love, and kids do grow up – faster than you realize.

    The solutions to your painful difficulties may not be immediate – but they may not be as far off as you perceive them to be right now.

    So, smile, go buy yourself some falafel in honor of me, and go about your day. Yi’hyéh tov yotér, laló mahhár, az mohhrotáyim. It will be better tomorrow, and if not tomorrow, the day after tomorrow.

  • http://gratefuldread.net NR Davis

    No, no close friends that I stay in touch with anymore. My life being what it is, I’m not a lot of fun to be around. (As if you couldn’t guess that…) No, I pretty much hang at home. I go out to run errands, to attend an occasional film solo, or to work and do my activism and altruism. I don’t consider myself sacrificing anything, just doing what needs to be done. It is what it is, and so what if it appears to be unfair? Dana Reeve, may she rest in peace… now, SHE had to deal with a terrible hand. And her teenage son…

    Ah, felafel…

    My daughter is already on the other side of the curve… My son is still my baby: I hope the kid doesn’t grow up too fast. The best parts of my day are walking with him to school and hearing him talk about what he’s learned each day. He’s nearly 10 and so tall and beautiful, and he’s a straight-A student and committed to social justice and Dragonball Z and baseball. He and I are reading Hamlet together now and it is so cool seeing his interest in Shakespeare. Great, ever-fascinating, almost unfailingly kind person, my David. And he loves felafel too.

    As you can see, I have an incredible bright spot. Who does NOT need sex tips.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Chantal – I love this article too and for the same reason. I love that it as become an intimate conversation about something so much more than sex.

    I have to say I agree with you when you said

    its apparent that each of us is different. some people are just inherently more sexual than others. some people can live happy, fulfilled lives with a less than stellar sex life, while others need great sex in order to feel complete.

    I can’t imagine life without sex. There is no way I would ever consent to live that way. It would be a living hell.

    NR – And for that matter, who said that happiness or fulfillment were necessary part of life’s equation?

    What is life for if not for living? I know life can be damned unfair a lot of the time. I have had to make very hard decisions in my life and live forever with the consequences but not living? You may as well not have been born. (Not that I think you shouldn’t have been born NR just expressing how I feel about life.) I didn’t give birth to my child with the intention that she not live life to it’s fullest, to enjoy as much of it as she can and I bet you feel the same way. So why would you doom yourself so fully to a life less lived? To quote from one of my favourite movies – “Life is a buffet and most poor suckers are starving to death. Live Live Live!”

    You seem so completely resigned to a life of torture. I hate to hear anyone give up.

    I agree with Chris and Ruvy too. I would like to think that you will be able to go on and have the life that your mother would have liked for you to have.

  • http://GAHinLondon 1legspider

    I have throroughly enjoyed reading this conversation – all aspects. Heart warming.

    Though life is difficult for me presently, more than it has ever been, I too am an eternal optimist… and thankfully, I don’t have to look too far to see wonderful things that can lift my mood even momentarily…. and I know also that I am luckier than most.

    Keep your head up NR. I wish you and your partner all the best… cannot be easy for either for you. Think how you would want your children to live as they grow up, then ask yourself whether you are setting the right example by them – that should be the standard you should be living up to.

    Gosh. I miss intimacy and sex!

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Spider –

    I’m sorry to hear that you’re having a particularly bad time at the moment. But things will and do change. I hope for better for you soon.

    I have to agree with Chantal here it’s time for a big group hug!

  • http://gratefuldread.net NR Davis

    You all go ahead and hug. I’ll just watch from a distance.

  • chantal stone

    no no no NR!! you get in here with us and HUG! don’t be afraid to live life to its FULLEST—you deserve to be happy. :)

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    That’s right NR get in here and hug us!

  • http://gratefuldread.net NR Davis

    Nothing personal, but I don’t believe in familiarity with strangers and I don’t even hug my spouse. Additionally, I tend to be non-social in general.

  • Rodney Welch

    Snap out of it, NR. You are justifying bad circumstances with defensively sour thoughts. That, and only that, is why you would say such a foolish thing as “Who said that happiness or fulfillment were necessary part of life’s equation?” Uh, I dunno, maybe the same guy who said “You need a heart to live”? Get your groove on. Quit poor-mouthing.

  • http://gratefuldread.net NR Davis

    Excuse me, Mr. Welch. I don’t refuse hugs out of sourness. Maintaining distance is certainly a protective, defensive approach, but it is one I employ quite honestly. But frankly, I do disapprove of society’s overfamiliarity. Not in terms of discussing sex, it’s just a topic about a perfectly natural thing. Hugs, or the idea of hugging strangers, well that’s another matter entirely. I’m just offering a different take on the subject. Yeah, it is borne of self-preservation, but that makes it no less valid.

    And in all seriousness, every view, including and especially those not held by the mainstream, should be heard. That’s the only way for those in the mainstream to know that alternate views exist. Not everyone is supportive of the group-hug concept or assuming that it’s OK to use given names in addressing strangers or whatever. Why do so many have such a problem with hearing alternate points of view?

    And “get your groove on”? What the hell does that mean?

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    NR –

    Get your groove on, in this instance, I believe, would mean chill out and see the brighter side of life. I know your life sucks but you wear a bit like an albatross around your neck. We all have our crosses to bear.
    No one has a perfect life, everyone has pain. The trick in life is to see past it, around it, over it and under it.
    Find the beauty in life and revel in it. Get your groove on girl!

  • http://gratefuldread.net NR Davis

    If that works for you, great, but the Bobby McFerrin attitude isn’t acceptable to everyone. If I have to accept your incessant sunniness, you have to accept that others hold different views.

    And whom are we kidding? I suspect you want me to “lighten up” or “chill out” – or, really, to conform – for your benefit. But if you really think you’re being helpful, if you sincerely mean well (and I have no way of knowing what is in the mind of a total stranger), with all due respect, you are not.

    Bottom line: You’re expressing yourself. I am expressing myself. You don’t like what I’m saying? Them’s the breaks. I don’t like being maligned because I don’t want to hug strangers or can’t fake semantic smiles to suit the prevailing paradigm. Oh, well. That’s the price of free speech.

    Oh, and I’m pushing 50 – far from a girl.

    I don’t want that to sound snarky, but this really pissed me off.

  • chantal stone

    NR, please don’t let these words of well wishes piss you off. it’s only because we all have been communicating in this rather unconventional forum, and many of us tend to feel certain affection for those who’s words we read so often. we push because we care. and once you share the details of your tragic life, you automatically open yourself up for sympathy, empathy and HUGS.

    maybe since you are “pushing 50″ that wall you have built around your heart has had plenty of time to grow taller and thicker. but believe me, there are plenty of people in this world with very tall ladders, who, whether you want them to or not, will try to break those walls down, and only out of love.

    why care about a virtual stranger? your story that you have shared with us has touched us, for some reason. and the fact that you keep coming back, reveals that somewhere deep down, the attention and virtual-affection touches your bruised heart.

    don’t be afraid to let people in. some of us are good people.

  • http://gratefuldread.net NR Davis

    Actually, no, Ms. Stone. It’s curiosity, along with the fulfillment of my mission: making alternate POVs heard. BC has always been, for me, a writing exercise that provides opportunities to express views that might otherwise go unsaid. People don’t all fit into neat little boxes.

    My reasons for being here are not social – a very few friendships have developed over my decade-plus in cyberspace (generally people I meet face to face – and again VERY few), but social interaction has little to do with my life and has nothing to do with why I am here. OK? Not everyone is a fucking hugger and there is no law saying anyone has to be.

    Tell me, Ms. Stone, were you a psych major? Do we get to make assumptions about your motivations now? Only fair.

  • trooper_D

    okay people… if nr doesn’t want to join in the hug session, leave him be. he’s entitled to what he wants. but as for me???? i’m in there also with you guys! **big hugs** :)

  • trooper_D

    darn it… my boo-boo… sorry! 😛

    i should have said “leave her be”. sorry, nr!

    that’s how it is when dealing with ‘fat’ fingers typing on a small keyboard…

  • chantal stone

    “Not everyone is a fucking hugger and there is no law saying anyone has to be.”

    wow, okay, point taken. i was only trying to be nice, i apologize if my attempts at kindness offended you, NR.

    and no, i was not a psych major. but feel free to make all the assumptions you want, it doesn’t bother me. i have no tale of woe or agenda to hide behind. i just like to read what people have to say and occasionally voice my own opinion.

    still, i wish you the best Ms. Davis.

  • trooper_D

    Please… can’t we all just get along???

    NR has her right to be in the corner all by her lonesome if she so chooses. And for the moment, her choice is to be left alone and not be bothered.

    As for the rest of us… let’s just continue our hugs and then move on.

    NR- I’m not too far behind you, as far as ‘age’ is concerned.

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    I DON’T KNOW WHAT WE’RE YELLING ABOUT … LOUD NOISES!

  • chantal stone

    “NR has her right to be in the corner all by her lonesome….”

    trooper_D, i totally agree.

    so now, on with the hugz!

  • http://www.rodneywelch.blogspot.com/ Rodney Welch

    NR, Your so-called “alternate point of view” is nothing but melodramatic sulking. It is a desperate craving for attention. You get in these moods where you wallow in your own sadness — where you walk around wearing a sign that says “Hey everyone, I’m lonelier and more sexually frustrated than you’ll ever know, and I LOVE it that way!” You aways remind me of the scene where Pee Wee Herman crashes on his bike and then says “I meant to do that.” You invite sympathy from others so you can refuse it and feel superior. You’re not anti-social at ALL. You feed on others. Bitterness such as yours absolutely depends on a host body to survive.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    NR – You don’t have to have a hug or a good attitude. Some people are natural martyrs.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Rodney –

    Harsh!

  • trooper_D

    Rodney – You sure enjoy hitting someone when they’re down, but… it does sort of make sense.

    I feeeeeeeeeel good!!!!!!

    ***stretches arms out to greet the world, then gets a cramp in back from doing so*** 😛

  • http://ruvysroost.blogspot.com Ruvy in Jerusalem

    All this strikes me as a bit unfair. Ms. Davis has shared her pain – and you’ve been jumping all over her to meet your standards for response. And you wonder why she holds back?

    Hugs – even vitual hugs over a computer – are offered freely and given freely. When they are demanded, they cease to be signs of friendliness or affection.

    I give lots of affection – and I get lots of affection – but I’ve learned the hard way NEVER to demand it.

  • troll

    Ruvy – IMO she loves/hates it

    while NRD is one of BC’s sharper tools – when she gets into personal ‘stuff’ (which she does with regularity) her comments can border on masochistic exhibitionism

    she doth protest too much

    troll

  • Rodney Welch

    Exactly. And she is very sharp. There have been many illuminating (and friendly) exchanges with NR which I’ve either read or shared. I like her mind and I like her wit. But I cannot endure, let alone co-enable, another one of her sadfests.

  • http://alienboy.wordpress.com/ Christopher Rose

    I really respect Ms Davis’ intellect, which can slice a subject six ways before it even knew it was a subject.

    I know only that of her personal life that she has revealed on this site plus her own so I can’t really tell if she is a Romantic-turned-Cynic or sincerely and simply more cerebral than most. I wonder if she herself has considered this?

    Oh yeah, she’s hot!

    *runs for cover*

  • http://gratefuldread.net NR Davis

    Mr. Rose, I have to address your comment. (Not to slight the others, but at this point, whatever I say or don’t will be lost in a sea of misjudgments and mainstream assumptions, so there’s no point. That said, Ruvy has it spot on.)

    Re: romantic-turned-cynic v. cerebral person, it’s both, really, but more of the latter. I’m pretty detached from it all usually and spend nights deep in thought about The Meaning Of It All, for me, the nation, the world, etc. But yeah, I have a cynical side and the same right to have and express it as does any sunny optimist. If strangers misconstrue it or think less of me for it, oh well.

    And thanks for noticing: Indeed, I am.

  • http://alienboy.wordpress.com/ Christopher Rose

    If you’ll forgive me playing amateur shrink, Ms Davis, I have fought hard all my life not to give in to cynicism, which I see as symptomatic of disappointment and leading to negativity or even defeatism.

    That tendency is the real enemy, for surely, cerebral or sentimental, without love what motivation are we left with? None I personally care or dare to embrace.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Well said Chris!

    I once got a piece of advice that on the face of it seemed rather vacuous and very self help but it turned out to be the best advice I ever got.

    If you don’t like your situation change your attitude.

  • http://gratefuldread.net NR Davis

    Sounds like Dale Carnegie: “Act enthusiastic and you’ll be enthusiastic.” Twenty years of attempting that proved to me that, at least for me, it doesn’t work. Honesty is the only way.

    But anyway, back to sex tips.

  • Dawn

    A.L.,

    With all due respect, my man is good at everything he does, I just happen to not dig that activity. That was kind of my point really, that not everyone likes the same thing so it’s very hard to determine what is or is not the basics.

    But I applaud you for having the temerity to bring up the subject and open it up for discussion.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Dawn –

    Had to scroll back a ways and find to what you were referring (thanks for changing the subject by the way good call).

    I’m afraid I beg to differ. Even if you don’t enjoy that particular activity doesn’t mean that there aren’t basics. It means that they shouldn’t be applied to everyone.

  • trooper_D

    Is there such a thing as having too much sex?

    From my personal experience, whenever two people come into a new relationship, man… it seems as though we can’t enough of it. Every single moment when I’m not with her, all I can think of is wanting to get home and get ‘laid’, sometimes 4 times a night, 7 days a week (except for those ‘time-of-the month days). Is that too much?

    I’m just wondering if we’re gonna come to a point where we’ll burn ourselves out.

  • chantal stone

    trooper_D…..
    i don’t think ‘too much’ is possible, its really all relative though. the only problem i see with too much sex, is the chaffing that can occur *smile*….but as long as you both want it all the time, and have the stamina for 4 times a night (impressive!)…then it’s all good.

    as far as passion-burn out—– i have been married for almost 12 years, and the passion between my husband and i has waned and swelled many times over the years. the key is not lose hope. things change, hormones change, but if you’re patient, the good times always return. just have fun and go with the flow!!

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Trooper –

    I’m going to go with Chantal on this one. If it feels right it’s fine. You and your girl have to decide what is right for you. As long as you’re not hurting. *smile*

    I’m the same way so I know what you mean. For me the first and second time are just the warm up. I have never met a man who could keep up with me and people can feel a bit of pressure to try. Just remember just because you can go again doesn’t mean she can or wants too. As long as that isn’t an issue I say shag yourselves silly!

  • trooper_D

    A.L./Chantel – Thanks for giving me a woman’s POV. I never ‘force’ my girl for sex. At least for some of us (men), we can find other pleasures of satisfaction if needed to (not really going into detail here).

    Sex isn’t always important in our relationship. What is also nice is taking long walks together while holding hands, looking into her eyes and noticing how beautiful she is, watching the sun setting at the end of a beautiful day and watching the stars come out, hugging, kissing, and just plain loving her to death.

    I think why we seem able to go ‘4’ rounds is because I’m not rushing to get ‘it’ done right away. I think it’s moderation and not speed. Pacing one’s self during sex seems to be the key for us, because I’m not tiring myself out after the first round. And besides, the in-between breaks consists of ‘muff-diving’, sort of like coming up for air in a way.

    I’m also lucky that she isn’t too materialistic, simple things seems to satisfy her as well, which is good for my wallet… :)

  • trooper_D

    BTW… I don’t see any other guy commenting much about their sex life. Ashamed? C’mon guys!!! Seems as though the women aren’t ashamed about discussing this subject. Oh… I get it… it’s that male ‘machoism’ thing…

    Sorry… just thought I’d ask… 😛

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Trooper –

    I think it sounds like you have a very healthy and satisfying sex life. What more could you want really.

    Just an idea here – I sometimes like it when my husband forces to have sex. We both know he isn’t but when done in fun and play it can be well fun and playful. Why don’t you try it?

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Yeah why don’t men talk about their sex lives? Women talk about it all the time. Well my friends and I do anyway.

  • trooper_D

    A.L. – Well… my girl and I do tend to play ‘forceful’ sex at times, where either one of use would be the so-called attacker, all in fun of course.

    Ever done it in a vehicle??? Just make sure you’ve got enough head clearance. Nothing hurts more than the guy banging his head every so often when he comes up for air. Not to mention the feet hitting the roof leaving some ‘noticeable’ indentations. I especially enjoy bucket seats. Totally awesome!

    I guess for some, disclosing sexual endeavors are somewhat private. But it’s nice to know other ideas of ‘fun’, which would probably help others become (if not good), better lovers.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Trooper –

    I have done it in a car and the back of a pickup which I think I prefered but only because I have I love making love outside. I also have a fantasy about doing it on a motorbike while riding down a dark and lonely road somewhere. In fact that is my favourite fantasy when I’m alone – if you know what I mean.

    I think sharing this kind of thing is very good. I have had some great idea’s come from friends. Some very hot ideas that I wish I could share here but alas they are far from PG-13.

  • trooper_D

    I have one fear when making love to my girl… and that is “am I making her happy enough?” It’s always been the one thing that’s always in the back of my mind, but, she puts things to rest and assures me that what I’m doing is good. In fact, it’s great (so she says), as compared to her “ex”.

    In my earlier years, I’ve had sex on the side of a highway… on the grass! Talk about being bold and daring! Actually, it was on the slope of the highway where we were blocked from all cars traveling back and forth. It was a great risk because I never knew when a vehicle would’ve stopped next to mine and the occupants could see us there… naked!!! It was nuts… but fun! And I did it once in the water, while swimming. Boy, that was a very unusual sexperience as well.

    On a motorcycle??? Hmmmm, you’d just have to be careful and make sure the bike is well secure before doing so. Otherwise that’d be a terrible fall for both occupants and the bike!

    I like watching that Sex Talk lady on cable. Some of her subjects are really interesting on what she talks about, and it’s great listening to callers that call into her show. For an old lady, she seems to know her stuff about the subject. I can’t recall her name though…

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Trooper-

    I wouldn’t worry about happy enough. You know it’s funny I have never compared men in bed. In other ways sure but never in bed. To me that like comparing chalk and cheese.

    I would want the motorbike to be IN MOTION. That’s a big part of it. That’s why I’ve never done it.

    I don’t live in the US so I don’t know about the Sex Talk lady. I’m sure she is steller.

    I have never had sex on the grass verge of the highway. Very daring.

  • Steve

    Re. #173, I think most straight guys just feel grossed out at the thought of their men friends having sex, I mean, almost physically sick!! It’s just too much information… we generally don’t want to know.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Steve

    Do you visualise sex everytime you talk about it? That could be an irritant.

  • trooper_D

    When some of my guy friends say they’re grossed out about talking sex and how they “do it”, it’s mainly because either they’re not getting any, or feel physically “small” with their manhood. If a guy doesn’t enjoy sex with his partner, than something must be mentally wrong with him (or her if the roles are reversed).

    Sex can be enjoyable and pleasurable for both parnters, if its done right and not ‘forced’ upon either partner. If you don’t know… read books or watch pornos to get ideas. It worked for me…

  • http://chantalstone.blogspot.com chantal stone

    “…If you don’t know… read books or watch pornos to get ideas. It worked for me…”

    LOL Trooper_D, you’re honesty is so awesome, your lady is truly a lucky woman!

    I have male friends with whom I can speak freely about sex, and they feel comfortable doing so as well. I just think it has more to do with the fact that some people are more open-minded about sex, and feel free enough with their own sexuality to share with others, as opposed to a male/female thing.

    So many people have been raised with certain hang-ups about sex, that as adults those hang-ups often can hinder them from having a truly free sexual experience.

    That’s why I think conversations such as this one are so great, the more we talk openly about sex and sexuality, the more walls begin to be broken down, and more people will become comfortable with themselves as sexual beings.

  • Scott Butki

    Oh yeah it’s research – that’s what those books and videos are for. That’s the ticket.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Scott –

    If you need an excuse that one sounds a least vaguely believeable. Like reading Playboy for the articles.

    Or you could shock people by telling them the truth – you use them to masturbate.

  • trooper_D

    Hey… there’s another subject to think about… Masturbation! Anyone here who says they’ve never done it must be ashamed to admit it. I do it whenever I’m with my girl, because she finds it very ‘arousing’ for her and sets the mood for our session. In fact, I consider masturbation as sort of having “safe-sex”, because I gotta have satisfaction for those “time-of-the-month” days when I gotta wait…

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    I like having sex during my time-of-the-month. I am far more sensitive and responsive then, plus it helps boost my ego at my most vulnerable, well…. time-of-the-month.

    Masturbation is a very good thing. I do it at least three or four times a week. I think it would be cool if a man felt relaxed enough with me to wank in front of me I think that would really turn me on.

    *thinks about it* Oh yeah it would really turn me on.

  • trooper_D

    Thanks, Chantel! Maybe the reason why others feel so uncomfortable talking about sex is from what they were taught in school, that sex should involve one man and one woman, and should be done in the old fashioned, missionary type of way with the guy on top, and the woman lying there underneath him. Straight sex, no frills, no excitement. Yeah… get real!

    Maybe I went a little too far with the masturbation thing. Oh well… too late now!

  • trooper_D

    A.L. – I never done it during those “time-of-the-month” days. I did ask her at one time, but I felt that I’d make her uncomfortable so I never pushed the issue. Now I’m kind of wondering about it….

  • trooper_D

    I gotta ask this question to all the guys reading here…..

    Any of you (guys) enjoy ‘muff-diving?’ Have any of you (guys) ever done it before? C’mon now… no be shame, I’m not! I’ve done it, I enjoy it, and SHE LOVES IT!!!! If it’s done right, it can send a woman into complete ecstasy and really get her going!

    (sorry if I offend any women reading this…)

  • http://chantalstone.blogspot.com chantal stone

    Wow Trooper….where did you go to school? The school I went to never talked about sex…..I meant that many people get their hang-ups from what they are–or more importantly NOT– taught at home. Religion plays a huge part, also, in making people feel shameful about sex.

    A.L…….I’m with you, I don’t always like having sex during that time of the month, but when I do, I find that its great at relieving cramps, and like you said, it’s a great way to feel better mentally when you generally feel like crap.

    On masturbation: masturbation, sadly, has a very bad rep (rap? whats the expression??…anyway..).
    I do know people who don’t do it…mostly women, and thats a shame. My belief is that how can you possibly expect a partner to satisfy you if you can’t satisfying yourself? I can’t expect someone to navigate my anatomy and do it right, if i haven’t explored it all myself, and then give proper directions.

    I don’t know, that’s just me. I’ve always been very open about my sexuality, and talking about such things has never been a problem for me.

    We’re all human, and humans are sexual creatures. It’s a beautiful gift from our creator, nothing to hide or be embarrassed about.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Trooper –

    I think many women don’t like sex during menstruation because of the mess however the benefits really do far out weigh the yuck. It does help with cramps, as Chantal said, and sex is a mood elevator, plus with all that natural lubricant and the extra physical sensitivity at that time of the month means sex can feel much more intense. As long as you can get over the mess but if it doesn’t bother you it shouldn’t bother her.

    Chantal –

    I think the same thing about masturbation. You must know how to please yourself before you can ask someone else to participate. I really get off on showing a man how to touch me and they seem to like it too. How would I know if I hadn’t already been there?

  • http://chantalstone.blogspot.com chantal stone

    BTW, Andrea…glad you’re feeling better now. We missed you when you were sick! :)

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Chantal –

    It’s true I have indeed been flat on my back in bed for the last two weeks and not in a good way. I have had a killer flu but I’m back (well almost actually I still feel a bit rough). Thanks!

    How did you know I’d been sick? Are we psychically linked or something?

  • http://chantalstone.blogspot.com chantal stone

    Well, aside from being BC-BFF’s….you mentioned it in an email sent thru the BC yahoo group.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Of course! BC-BFF’s!

  • trooper_D

    Didn’t know you were sick Andrea, hope you are feeling better! Darn flu can put anyone out of whack for a few days!

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Thanks Trooper!

  • zingzing

    okay, muffdiving, masterbation and red wings… come on now, are we all just discovering this stuff? i really thought that by 200 comments in, we’d be in some pretty risque territory… maybe i’ll say something under a different name… not being sneaky, just staying private…

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    Zing –

    Risque away darling!

  • zingzing

    heh. there are too many (as in 1) people here who know me personally. this person knows my family. lives too close to my mother. i’ll have to wait for an opportunity. it’s disturbing.

  • zingzing

    ew, weird… i meant “lives too close to my brother.” why did mother come out? that’s fucked. don’t read too much into that… i’m not… god… nasty…

  • niggerjewfaggot

    ALL asses will and should be fucked dry, wet, or bleeding just fuck it!

  • http://jetsnewsviews.blogspot.com/ Jet

    Do you honestly expect anyone to take you seriously with that handle?

  • http://www.EurocriticsMagazine.com Christopher Rose

    I wonder if zingzing has got over his brother/mother slip of the tongue yet? Nasty indeed!