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Sex, Drugs, and Bach?

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What is wrong with all you rockers? Have you all been beaten down by the Britney Spears and Blink 182’s out there? What happened to my “Sex, Drugs, and Rock N’ Roll”? Are we really going to go out like this?

A psychologist at the University of Leiester in England, Adrian North, recently performed a study that tells me rock is dead. He did a survey of 2,500 people to learn about their musical tastes and how it related to their lifestyles. The results scare me. Honestly.

Dr. North found that 38% of hip-hop fans and 29% of dance music people had slept with more than one person during the last five-year period. Only 1.5% of country fans had done the same. Have you seen some country music fans, though?

Fifty percent of the fans of hip-hop and dance were more likely to have broken the law. Wonder why that would be? A culture that celebrates crime has a higher likelihood of criminals. Before you believe that way to obvious connection, the study gets weird.

Twenty-five percent of classical music fans have smoked pot and a 12% subdivision of that group has taken psychedelic mushrooms. I always suspected this genre was the work of the Devil, but I never had proof this clear. If the culture of hip-hop leads to increased sex and crime, then classical music fans cannot be trusted to raise kids because 25% of them are druggies! Considering the “Liar” factor in these studies, that 25% is probably closer to 50%.

Classical music leads to pot and pot is a gateway drug (ha ha), so that would make classical music gateway music. We must ban it if we are to win the war on drugs! Opera must be banned as well because that is the subdivision with the 12% Psilocybin fixation. It probably helps them understand what is going on.

I would bet that most anti-drug crusaders would be so happy if their children listened to some Mozart or a nice aria instead of Nugent or Pink Floyd. They would think their children were safe, unaware of the subliminal confusion being broadcast to them that only a nice hit could clear up.

Me, I blame Walt Disney. I blame that devious bastard and his Fantasia. I mean classical music with hippos dancing with alligators and mice creating insane walking brooms? I almost need a hit just to explain the movie — and we show it to kids.

The lessons of this story are both promising and a good warning. If you want to have grandchildren then you must raise your children on hip-hop. It is called “bootie music” for a reason, after all.

The big lesson is do not let your kids grow up to listen to Beethoven! Any group with more than six members and you are running a risk of raising the next Charles Manson.

And to all you rockers out there…what happened to you? You did not even score high enough to make the article. Sex? Drugs? Rock N’ Roll? I just don’t see it. For shame.

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About Brad Schader

  • Bliffle

    I can testify from personal observation that there is a lot of sex going on among classical music fans. I knew one woman who grew hot upon hearing a Bach Oboe Sonata.

  • Ruvy in Jerusalem

    The problem is that rock’n’roll is gettin old; unless they pop the “little blue pill,” all the rockers can accomplish these days is – sitting in rockers…

  • Rock will always come back. It is a response to corporate raiding heartless music. When the singer/song writer is replaced by the producer, the rock star is created in a garage somewhere. Rock responds, it doesn’t start the debate. If rock dies, it is suicide. We survived Janet Jackson’s “Black Cat” and that stupid En Vogue song I cannot remember and we will survive Blink 182. The next Nirvana is out there.

  • nugget


    perhaps it was “sonata” nominally of course.

    and brad, no, classical music keeps coming back. With the exception of very FEW rock artists, rock IS the “corporate raiding heartless music.”

    rocknroll is all about the moola. gimme a break.

  • nugget

    in fact, If rocknroll never existed, Britney Spears would have never existed. Christina Aguilera, NSync, Justin Timberlake, Vanilla Ice, Nickelback, Creed…….ALL would have NEVER existed.

    Rocknroll opened the floodgates of snooty spoiled kids, ignored by their parents and cushioned by similar company. They needed an outlet for their pitiful screams and neglected souls. It’s sad that they had to give in to temptations that kept them from being a really great PASSIONATE MUSICIAN CAPABLE OF PLAYING MANY THINGS BESIDES YOUR BASIC GUITAR RIFFS AND A COUPLE OF SOLOS. Irresponsible teenagers were able to take drugs, turn up an amplifier, and pretend that a “revolution” happened and suddenly “music” is born according to a bunch of hip pseudo-journalist musicologist coffee house shmucks.

  • Nugget, when I lived on the street many yars ago, I knew a fellow from the navy who referred to rock-n-roll as “corporate 4×4” (the basic beat). Mindless music for mindless people. I’d walk him to the “vampire lounge” where he’d sell his plasma for $20. He described ho the place played rok music to shut up the people waiting to donate plasma for a few bucks. I went to a coffee shop in downtown and nursed a cup of coffee while some fool tossed a quarter into the jukebox. I listened to the backbeat fo the rock-n-roll. Yep, it’s almost all four by four. And it hasn’t changed at all since the Beatles broke up.

    And Brad, Nugget is right about which music keeps coming back. It’s the classics that keep coming back, no matter how many times corporate America vomits the same trash back in remakes of rock-n-roll. It’s not that I don’t like the music. But once you understand what it is and what it is meant to be, it loses all of its appeal.

  • I know classical music keeps coming back. I was not bashing that form of music so much as yelling at my fellow rockers for losing to Hip-Hop-Heads and Classical music fans. My parents are classical fans. That means my parent’s generation TODAY is doing more drugs than my fellow rockers. That is wrong. Hip-Hoppers are getting laid more. That is wrong.
    “Sex,Drugs, and Rock n ROll” has lost its meaning.


    a few points:

    1) Sometimes — when folks grow up, mature, lose their hormones, and get wiser — they start diggin’ Classical Music. They find it more interesting, more creative, more original, and more appealing than some eyeliner-wearin’, testosterone-addled adolescent whining to 3 chord accompaniment.

    2) Most classical music fans are Boomers, ie. 50+, which means they probably smoked pot or did psychedelics in the PAST. Thus the results from that poll.

    3) A lot of legitimate, contemporary “rock ‘n roll” can still be found Alive and Well — but in a different genre: alt-country/Americana. [See Steve Earle, Joe Ely, Old 97s, et al for more]

    4) You haven’t walked with God until you’ve smoked a doobie and listened to the 2nd Movement of Beethoven’s 7th Symphony — or performed stoned, Tantric Sex in sync with Ravel’s Bolero.

    I know.

    Shark (age 50 something)

  • I blame shows like Rock Star and the Osbournes personally. All the rebel yells have been ripped from rock and it is left with a case of laryngitis. Dave Navaro reality show star? Give me a break.

  • duane

    Sex to Ravel’s Bolero, Tantric or not, has been ruined by Bo Derek. Besides that, Bolero is only 14 minutes long. Hehe [duane with self-congratulatory smirk].

  • Baronius

    Rock is about 50 years old. Rap is roughly 30 years old.

    To put that in perspective, rock is like Charlie Chaplain at Woodstock, and rap is the Andrews Sisters. The birth of Elvis is as contemporary to teenagers today as the Boxer Rebellion was to the class of 1969.

    It’s surprising that kids are listening to stuff that we can recognize.

  • Louis

    If Chuck Berry were to read this today, I thinks he would respond wirh a “comment” that would make all of the anti-rock people feel less intellegnt than they already were.

  • Same Guy

    Sorry for the typo I didnt listen to enough classical music today. Mispelling a commonly mispelled word is a big no no. Oh dear, looks I did it again just how Britney Spears did it again in that one hit song. These inexcusable typos must be a direct result of hip-hop and rock. Anyway I heard that Bach married his cousin…so CLASSY.