Website Review: Thank You, Mr. Skin!

My ex-boyfriend/current roomate L is a porn addict. Actually, the whole truth is a wee more mundane than that, for L is merely a spending addict and a collector of all things, well, collectible. Where some people might have two bottles of hot sauce, L has two hundred — all with clever names like "Satin's Saliva" and "Rectal Rocket Fuel." Where two or three New York Yankees bobblehead dolls might suffice for the average man, L wouldn't rest until he'd collected them all.

Not that he uses all the CDs, DVDs, books, snarky t-shirts, and other items he collects (nor can he even keep track of them all anymore) — he just likes to have a complete inventory. Unfortunately, shortly after his innumerable collections began to take up all available living space, he found himself under frequent attack by rogue, eight-foot-high towers of Jenna Jameson and Tracy Lords DVDs crashing down around him at the slightest breeze. One night he almost lost an eye in the ensuing XXX-rated ruckus.

Thus, as L and I get ready to sell our coop, he's also selling off lots of porn DVDs, some of which he's never even watched. It was that closure thing again, you see: Hand Job Honeys 4 resolves all those unanswered questions posed in Hand Job Honeys 1, 2, and especially 3. By now, of course, there are nearly as many sequels to HJH as there are for Nightmare on Elm Street. Never fear — L has them all.

In any case, perhaps to satisfy some "purer" prurient interests, years ago L also bought a book called The Bare Facts Video Guide by Craig Hosada. Within its 968 pages, the avid fan could locate any nude scene done by a "legit" celebrity. For instance, you might be interested to know that Michael Moriarity — aka Assistant DA Ben Stone of "Law and Order" fame — once had a 38 second nudish scene in the ever-popular Reborn (1978) where he revealed "brief buns, while rolling off Maria in bed." Likewise, it's handy to be able to tell folks at the office cocktail party that in the 1982 blockbuster Best Friends, the lovely and vivacious Goldie Hawn was in some manner involved in an 18 second interval of "very, very brief side view of right breast getting into the shower with Burt Reynolds" and a whopping 1 minute, 14 seconds of "upper half of left breast, in the shower, twice." Which seems to beg the question: that's all well and good, but where were the rest of Goldie's naughty bits at the time? And come to think of it, did the anonymous breasts in question even belong to Goldie at all?

Article Author: Elvira Black

Elvira Black is a “retired” New York writer blogging for her own amusement here on BC. Her passions are politics, the arts, the weird things we do, and New York City.

Visit Elvira Black's author page — Elvira Black's Blog