You are paralysed from the neck down. Your mind is filled with the agony of half alive nerves screaming in their attempts to work. You have no control over any of your bodily functions so you are constantly filling the diaper you wear and smell like shit to yourself. There’s a feeding tube stuck down your mouth and oxygen going up your nose.
You sit tied into a wheel chair otherwise you and all your wires would slide onto the floor. You are kept in a semi coma state from the amount of pain medication prescribed. You sit in your chair and drool. As you retain control over your face muscles occasionally you’ll exert the effort to suck it back into your mouth. You call that exercise.
Any time you receive a visitor you sit and stare at each other. You look into their eyes and see your agony reflected back at you. You know they are suffering in their own way just as much as you are. You love them and want to help.
When a doctor deigns to come look at you inevitably he will let you know what a miracle it is that you are alive. If it wasn’t for the latest in technology there would be no means of keeping you here. You want to curse the person who invented the stuff but the effort is too much.
The nurse comes in three times a day to change your diaper, check your feeding and breathing tubes, and makes sure all your wires are properly connected. They wouldn’t want anything going wrong now would they? The easiest way to change your diaper is to run a hoist under your armpits and lift you out of the chair to dangle in mid air. They check on the catheter attached to your penis, and clean up the excrement that has puddled in the seat because the diaper doesn’t completely keep everything in.
The two things you can still do are feel pain and embarrassment. Even though the nerves can’t send a signal through the mess of your spinal column strong enough for even the smallest of involuntary twitches they still feel pain. Damaged nerves cause an increase in pain because of their efforts to work. Like a signal from a broken amplifier the harder they work the greater the distortion, or in your case the pain.
Sometimes as you hang twisting slightly in the harness and listen to the nurses talk about you and their lives as if you were not there. Which of course your not really. You feel like a side of beef anyway, waiting on its hook to be hauled into the next phase of slaughtering.
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Article comments
1 - dietdoc
Dying, especially in its most brutal and degrading forms, is something mainstream America cannot allow themselves to think about or talk about. And, why that is true, remains one of the great mysteries of our civilization.
Good post, G-man!
Ron
2 - Natalie Bennett
Indeed: so many people go through agonies that we wouldn't subject a dog to.
3 - George
An interesting article, but we all need to remember that our views on our life may not be those of someone elses' on theirs; I am a c1-2 quadriplegic, yet I really enjoy my life, work and home. Everyone focuses on the medical bits, the ventilator, the drugs, the diapers; to me (and some people I know in similar situations) these are just minor annoyances that are a part of our lives. Only you can make the decition regarding what you focus on as "quality of life"; but others have that same right too. Guess what I'm saying is, your article is a good description of how some people might and do feel in this sort of situation, but it's not a universal view. Thanks
4 - Fran
Yes, there are always exceptions to every rule. And who decides? Best case it should be the person who is doing the suffering, no?
And should government even be involved to this degree in our every day lives, our dignity, and death?
If it were not for the greedy bad apples, we likely wouldn't even be having this discussion.
Certainly, a great thought provoking article.