When you questioned them about things that seemed off and red flags - did they have explanation? Offer you 'hard proof'? Did they do something to "make up for" their absences or gaffs? Did they do little things to "perk you up"? Like send you an ecard or flowers just to say hi. Did they do things to "make you feel better"? Did they say things like "I will do anything to make you happy?" Offer you private glimpses into their lives to prove they are ok? Send you pictures of themselves with their parents? other friends? kids? And did they ask you to do the same?
17-Effect a Regression
People who have experienced a certain kind of pleasure in the past will try to repeat or relive it. The deepest-rooted and most pleasurable memories are usually those from earliest childhood, and are often unconsciously associated with a parental figure. Bring your targets back to that point by placing yourself in the oedipal triangle and positioning them as the needy child. Unaware of the cause of their emotional response, they will fall in love with you. Alternatively, you too can regress, letting them play the role of the protecting, nursing parent. In either case you are offering the ultimate fantasy: the chance to have an intimate relationship with mommy or daddy, son or daughter.
Stand up for you? Tell you the sort of things you wish your mom or dad had told you? Offer you the sort of verbal and emotional support your current partner never does? Or were they someone you knew from high school, college or a past job who just 'happened' to look you up online or just 'stumbled' on your name & email? Places like Classmates.com or all sorts of reunion sites are becoming very popular for the cyberpath to go back and rework past targets. If you were a past target they can also use the "but you KNOW me" talk to regain your confidence while getting ready to use you.
18-Stir up the Transgressive and Taboo
There are always social limits on what one can do. Some of these, the most elemental taboos, go back centuries; others are more superficial, simply defining polite and acceptable behavior. Making your targets feel that you are leading them past either kind of limit is immensely seductive. People yearn to explore their dark side. Not everything in romantic love is supposed to be tender and soft; hint that you have a cruel, even sadistic streak. You do not respect age differences, marriage vows, family ties. Once the desire to transgress draws your targets to you, it will be hard for them to stop. Take them farther than they imagined-the shared feeling of guilt and complicity will create a powerful bond.
Article comments
1 - Shelly
I always have a hard time believing that these guys are doing it on purpose, but after reviewing some of the sites, I find it isn't a joke. How scary! We are targets but I beleive that we HAVE to learn to take care of ourselves. I want people to understand and learn more about this so that the joke is on them, so that they are laughed at when they try to use these techniques. So when a guy makes you feel like you are the only one who really really udnerstands him, you know right away he's full of shit. I don't think we should have "preditor police"--that's taking all our power and responsibility away. I would like to see us teach our daughters and girls in school what is really going on. Take them to these sites and show them how stupid it is so they can 't be fooled. My mother taught me when I was very young, to question commericals and do my own research on them. Consequently, I never took commericals seriously. But I know a lot of children who do "beleive" them--and fall for the propganda. Peditors are like seductive commericals, we need to question their motives, actions, --ect... That is our job as women, to learn to take care of ourselves and teach our daughters how to too. Thanks for putting this up.
2 - diana hartman
the "art of seduction" is part of the reason why there is a book called "living with the passive aggressive man" (and there oughta be a book called "living with the passive aggressive woman")...
anyone who has ever lived with and gotten away from a passive aggressive person wouldn't likely re-enter a relationship with someone so charming and indirect, assuming they worked through all their rage and disappointment...
it's a shame there are so many who think the art of seduction is any way to go and that there are those so easily lured into the trap that is this "art"...all that excitement, all that mystery, all that erectile dysfunction...but i'm not bitter...
i feel for those who for whatever reason feel the need to socialize online rather than in real life...
that's gotta suck...
3 - Barbara
I was (and probably will) write a review of Wetzler's LIVING WITH A PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE MAN. Frankly you CAN'T live with them. You have to leave them eventually if you want to stay sane. Passive aggressivity is very close to narcissism. Narcissism is one mentally disordered click away from psychopathy. No thanks.
But these online predators exists. In a world that's turning into an internet culture we would be foolish to ignore them and think people who get involved with them are losers. I have spoken to men & women who have been involved with these types. These men & women are doctors, psychologists, executives, CEOs, politicians and clergy. Please who SHOULD know better but don't.
We often don't think people can really be THAT devisive. We want to believe the best of others..... just be careful.
4 - elsa
This seems like one hell of a lot of trouble to go to. It's much easier to be a stand up person...and plenty of people are attracted to that!
5 - OneOfSeven
Thank you for posting such an informative article. As a target of an internet predator and bigamist, I believe we must get smarter. We must use use our heads instead of relying on our hearts. We must do our homework and that means performing background checks on these men AND women. We must pay attention to the red flags and signs and above all educate ourselves if we are going to use online dating sites, etc. as venues for seeking relationships. Personally, I would never seek a romantic relationship online. But for those of you who do, know what you are dealing with, know the red flags, and check them out.
6 - Barbara
elsa
That's the point - to APPEAR to be a stand up person.
And then, do what you want
Of course- if you are a malignant narcissist or psychopath, Appearances would be everything! just to get your kicks...
7 - Cass
Wish I'd read this awhile back. Thanks for the great article. :)
8 - Nancy
This ought to be a 'must read' for every woman. Thanks.
9 - Fighter
Please feel free to pass it on! (as long as you refer back to it's posting on Blogcritics.org)
10 - Nancy
I just referred everyone to this website & blot title. That should work. Thanks again - VERY informative post.
11 - Nani
That's definatelly a very good article. Every woman should be aware of it. Information is power and if I knew in the past, what I know today, I wouldn't have been a target for an "online predator" like I was. My "con artist" creates simpathy as a seduction technique. Small gifts, helping old ladies, money to beggars, etc, etc.
Mine was subtle. He was interested in any detail concerning my person, because he didn't want me to suffer like his dear wife Felicia, who died of cancer.
He was a good actor for three years until the day he said, he had to go to Afghanistan. While he was in Afghanistan (which means his house with his family), I could find out that he was never widowed, Felicia didn't exist and thankfully his wife is alive and well.
Definatelly he falls on that category of seducers.
Good article and once again, information is power.
12 - Temple A. Stark
Fighter, This post was chosen by the section editor as a BC pick of the week. Go HERE (link) to find out why.
And thank you
- Temple
13 - Decieved
Reading this article was like reading about my own experience with a cyberpath. I've read as much as I can on the subject and have gotten a lot of conflicting information. On other sites, some of the descriptions fitted him, others were way out. In this article, it was all yes. That is exactly what he was like.
This man not only hurt me in this way, but hurt three other women (that i know of) in the exact same manner. And because he had us all keeping it a secret, we didn't find out about each other until he was finished messing with us. But once we did find out, we forced him to leave the website where we met him so that he wouldn't be able to use it to meet more women.
I only wish I had read this article when it was first written, I could've saved myself and two of the others from getting tangled up in his web
14 - Holly
Such interesting reading. I am in the throw's of a similar type of relationship at the moment. It has been going on for months and I realised only recenly that the friendship was not quite right! He doesn't follow all the points in your artical, but some are exactly the same and it has confirmed to me that I need to do something about it! I do not know how I will do this, because its been going on for so long & we know each other very well. However, your artical will help me. Thanks!
15 - Fighter
Holly - only one thing to do.
LEAVE.
Sorry there is no managing or fixing these relationships. You must break it off and GET OUT. These men are PATHOLOGICAL and you must GET AWAY at all cost.
It will NOT get better.