Online psychopaths are masters at this. As pointed out above - did they disappear from the net or from you for days or weeks without a word? You call their cell phone and got voicemail? Are they busy for a while, off to work conference or with family for a while? Can't talk to you because something's come up and they are SO SORRY. Yet when they do "pop" on to say hi they are VERY concerned about YOU and said "HI" because they were 'thinking of you so much' and 'upset that they haven't been there for you.' RIGHT......
13- Disarm through Strategic Weakness and Vulnerability
Too much maneuvering on your part may raise suspicion. The best way to cover your tracks is to make the other person feel superior and stronger. If you seem to be weak, vulnerable, enthralled by the other person, and unable to control yourself, you will make your actions look more natural, less calculated. Physical weakness-tears, bashfulness, paleness-will help create the effect. To further win trust, exchange honesty for virtue: establish your "sincerity" by confessing some sin on your part-it doesn't have to be real. Sincerity is more important than goodness. Play the victim, then transform your target's sympathy into love.
Did you hear phrases like "sometimes when I talk to you I feel I can't control myself"? Or did they tell you that you were "too good" for them? Did they say "if you really knew me, you'd leave me" or "I wish I was as good as you think I am." Were they STRUGGLING with their feelings and fears about you? Getting so close to someone 'scaring' them? Did they do something STUPID and 'confess' to you about it? Did they make it seem like you & they shared confessions & personal stories with only each other? Did that make you feel like you were the only person they could TRUST?
14- Confuse Desire and Reality: The Perfect Illusion
To compensate for the difficulties in their lives, people spend a lot of their time daydreaming, imagining a future full of adventure, success, and romance. If you can create the illusion that through you they can live out their dreams, you will have them at your mercy. It is important to start slowly, gaining their trust, and gradually constructing the fantasy that matches their desires. Aim at secret wishes that have been thwarted or repressed, stirring up uncontrollable emotions, clouding their powers of reason. The perfect illusion is one that does not depart too much from reality, but has a touch of the unreal to it, like a waking dream. Lead the seduced to a point of confusion in which they can no longer tell the difference between illusion and reality.
Article comments
1 - Shelly
I always have a hard time believing that these guys are doing it on purpose, but after reviewing some of the sites, I find it isn't a joke. How scary! We are targets but I beleive that we HAVE to learn to take care of ourselves. I want people to understand and learn more about this so that the joke is on them, so that they are laughed at when they try to use these techniques. So when a guy makes you feel like you are the only one who really really udnerstands him, you know right away he's full of shit. I don't think we should have "preditor police"--that's taking all our power and responsibility away. I would like to see us teach our daughters and girls in school what is really going on. Take them to these sites and show them how stupid it is so they can 't be fooled. My mother taught me when I was very young, to question commericals and do my own research on them. Consequently, I never took commericals seriously. But I know a lot of children who do "beleive" them--and fall for the propganda. Peditors are like seductive commericals, we need to question their motives, actions, --ect... That is our job as women, to learn to take care of ourselves and teach our daughters how to too. Thanks for putting this up.
2 - diana hartman
the "art of seduction" is part of the reason why there is a book called "living with the passive aggressive man" (and there oughta be a book called "living with the passive aggressive woman")...
anyone who has ever lived with and gotten away from a passive aggressive person wouldn't likely re-enter a relationship with someone so charming and indirect, assuming they worked through all their rage and disappointment...
it's a shame there are so many who think the art of seduction is any way to go and that there are those so easily lured into the trap that is this "art"...all that excitement, all that mystery, all that erectile dysfunction...but i'm not bitter...
i feel for those who for whatever reason feel the need to socialize online rather than in real life...
that's gotta suck...
3 - Barbara
I was (and probably will) write a review of Wetzler's LIVING WITH A PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE MAN. Frankly you CAN'T live with them. You have to leave them eventually if you want to stay sane. Passive aggressivity is very close to narcissism. Narcissism is one mentally disordered click away from psychopathy. No thanks.
But these online predators exists. In a world that's turning into an internet culture we would be foolish to ignore them and think people who get involved with them are losers. I have spoken to men & women who have been involved with these types. These men & women are doctors, psychologists, executives, CEOs, politicians and clergy. Please who SHOULD know better but don't.
We often don't think people can really be THAT devisive. We want to believe the best of others..... just be careful.
4 - elsa
This seems like one hell of a lot of trouble to go to. It's much easier to be a stand up person...and plenty of people are attracted to that!
5 - OneOfSeven
Thank you for posting such an informative article. As a target of an internet predator and bigamist, I believe we must get smarter. We must use use our heads instead of relying on our hearts. We must do our homework and that means performing background checks on these men AND women. We must pay attention to the red flags and signs and above all educate ourselves if we are going to use online dating sites, etc. as venues for seeking relationships. Personally, I would never seek a romantic relationship online. But for those of you who do, know what you are dealing with, know the red flags, and check them out.
6 - Barbara
elsa
That's the point - to APPEAR to be a stand up person.
And then, do what you want
Of course- if you are a malignant narcissist or psychopath, Appearances would be everything! just to get your kicks...
7 - Cass
Wish I'd read this awhile back. Thanks for the great article. :)
8 - Nancy
This ought to be a 'must read' for every woman. Thanks.
9 - Fighter
Please feel free to pass it on! (as long as you refer back to it's posting on Blogcritics.org)
10 - Nancy
I just referred everyone to this website & blot title. That should work. Thanks again - VERY informative post.
11 - Nani
That's definatelly a very good article. Every woman should be aware of it. Information is power and if I knew in the past, what I know today, I wouldn't have been a target for an "online predator" like I was. My "con artist" creates simpathy as a seduction technique. Small gifts, helping old ladies, money to beggars, etc, etc.
Mine was subtle. He was interested in any detail concerning my person, because he didn't want me to suffer like his dear wife Felicia, who died of cancer.
He was a good actor for three years until the day he said, he had to go to Afghanistan. While he was in Afghanistan (which means his house with his family), I could find out that he was never widowed, Felicia didn't exist and thankfully his wife is alive and well.
Definatelly he falls on that category of seducers.
Good article and once again, information is power.
12 - Temple A. Stark
Fighter, This post was chosen by the section editor as a BC pick of the week. Go HERE (link) to find out why.
And thank you
- Temple
13 - Decieved
Reading this article was like reading about my own experience with a cyberpath. I've read as much as I can on the subject and have gotten a lot of conflicting information. On other sites, some of the descriptions fitted him, others were way out. In this article, it was all yes. That is exactly what he was like.
This man not only hurt me in this way, but hurt three other women (that i know of) in the exact same manner. And because he had us all keeping it a secret, we didn't find out about each other until he was finished messing with us. But once we did find out, we forced him to leave the website where we met him so that he wouldn't be able to use it to meet more women.
I only wish I had read this article when it was first written, I could've saved myself and two of the others from getting tangled up in his web
14 - Holly
Such interesting reading. I am in the throw's of a similar type of relationship at the moment. It has been going on for months and I realised only recenly that the friendship was not quite right! He doesn't follow all the points in your artical, but some are exactly the same and it has confirmed to me that I need to do something about it! I do not know how I will do this, because its been going on for so long & we know each other very well. However, your artical will help me. Thanks!
15 - Fighter
Holly - only one thing to do.
LEAVE.
Sorry there is no managing or fixing these relationships. You must break it off and GET OUT. These men are PATHOLOGICAL and you must GET AWAY at all cost.
It will NOT get better.