The Sharksucking Remora
My all time favorite animal… if I was a predator that could actually eat them. They are the all time boss-servicing fish that keeps them clean and shiny. They pretend to be Worker Bees because they are masters at taking credit for everything that is done right in the company. They might have some talent, but it is hard to tell the difference between accomplishments and stolen credit.
It is amazing how this animal even makes it in IT. They are characterized by a display of knowledge that is outstanding. They chose their feathers wisely since their knowledge cannot be countered by anyone else in the organization. They are so crafty, that at times they even become managers.
The Migratory Geese
Also known as consultants. These birds, that sometimes come from India, come in and promise to fix everything. They are always very knowledgeable, talented and at times cheap. However, at the last second, they are called back to their mother ship and leave the project halfway done. At that point, they promise to send other birds, but these ones are even more expensive and harder to track.
We can all recognize it by its smell. They are an animal that always knows when to appear. They are the ones that love to gather information about how the project is progressing. Everyone thinks they are not too bad, but when under pressure, they release a cloud of confusion that leaves projects paralyzed. Do not be fooled by their laborious nature, in the end they will leave you smelling for a long time. They use their cloud of perfume to confuse everyone and take credit for anything that is accomplished.
The Irish Setter
They are masters at pointing fingers. They never solve a problem but have an uncanny nose that tells them who messed up and they spend their live simply pointing. All other animals fear them because, even though they are not true predators, they have the ability to call one at will. They also have the ability to divert attention by not moving a muscle while the problem is being troubleshooted.
The Orangutan Architect
I could make a whole post about this animal. They have a genius that no one else understands. They create the most complex systems for simple solutions. If you have ever had a conversation with someone that talks in circles, never getting to a point, you might have encoutered an Orangutan. Like their conversational skills their code is extremely hard to follow and it resembles a bowl of spaghetti. Somehow they are also backed by the predators, I believe because of their uncanny capability to confuse.
The Dodo Bird
Every manager that I have encountered has claimed to be this animal. However, I have yet to find it. This manager says that he will always stick up for you, provide you with training and never look for blame. They are always talking about great benefits, compensation and comp time. Comp time is a fictitious IT tool used to lured employees into working extra hours and weekend in the hope of future time off. The comp time never equals the effort if it ever appears. Once you think you have found a dodo bird he suddenly dissapears. Along with his disappearance, comp time also disappears.