"The Internet is a bigger threat to humanity than the handgun", explains a nun. "I believe that, had the Internet been available 3,000 years ago, Sodom and Gomorrah would never have burned. The citizens would just have changed their screen names, or uploaded the cities to another server. Obviously, the thought is terrifying."
There is a site currently available on the Internet, which offers the ingredients for creating a nuclear warhead. The recent high-school shootings in Mississippi were perpetrated by visitors of this site. "They had two nuclear missiles and, I believe, half a dozen Scud's", reveals Principal Owen Sweeny. "They had them in their pockets. There was no way we could have known."
It is indeed a sorry state of affairs. In a time when sound files of the screams of buggered geese are freely available, one can only question the moral health of the nation. "I would say, the nation is in critical condition", says a leading gynecologist. "There's definite puncture to the liver, strange growth around the pubic region, and, quite possibly, some sort of fungus breeding in the ear canal."
One group of patriots has taken the issue to hand. "We have seventy-two sub-machine guns", a member explains, "And if need be, we would feel no remorse over the death of an online seagull abuser."
The Duke resides at Mondo Irlando
Drop A Line To The Duke
Article comments
1 - Jim Carruthers
The Duke needs a mustard plaster applied to his genitals. Sure, it will hurt, but it will do you good in long run. Or a nice set of comfy jammies. Really, this is of concern.
2 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
Jim, i am baffled and / or aroused by these comments. Do elaborate. What is of concern? It's my big ears, isn't it.
3 - Jim Carruthers
ewwww, here I am all over that nice Sarah Polley, and you go and spoil the mood. Just take a cold shower why dontcha.
Oh, wait, Margaret Walsh just said "fuck" again, and Scott Thompson said "dirty hooer" several times. On Teevee, live, nationally. So the USA can just South Park our nether regions. Yes, it is Saturday night and I'm watching teevee, but at least it keeps me off the streets. Since I only have to go next door for take-out pho, and I get DVDs by mail, it is somewhat surprising I go out at all.
4 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
Sometimes i wonder if i have ever actually been outside at all. Sure, i got memories, man, like the time when i fell over in a field and stuff, but those could just be hypnotechnical suggestions or some-shit. Maybe i never left the house ever. Maybe there is no house. Maybe i'm just the fantasies of some omnipresent being. If so, man, your fantasies suck. You ever seen Christina Aguilera? She gets naked and everything, man, think about her. What the fuck you wanna think about The Duke for? Sheesh, sometimes God is so unfathomable.
5 - Jim Carruthers
In my fantasies, Jenna Jamesom plays Xtina, and they are doing a remake of that movie where the star has a pussy that sings, but we're not interested in casting Courtney Love despite her claims of having a "magic pussy". Noway, nohow are we going near that.
Now, in my fevered imagination, I am eating hot pepper popcorn while watching "Marathon Man" and thankful I don't have an appointment with a dentist.
6 - Jim Carruthers
Of course, what I really want to know is who searched for "courtney love" and "magic pussy".
No, don't want to know why. Please
7 - Nick Jones
I did. And I wanted to see what the context was.