The biggest fear for many citizens is the availability of these wretched globs of sodomy to pre-teens. "My biggest fear", says a father of two, both of them his, "is that my children might access something I do not want them to see." Perhaps they might innocently wonder towards www.candyland.com, which offers visitors the opportunity to view images of Asian gentlemen being smothered by pillowcases filled with piranha. In some cases, these can even be downloaded as video files, complete with audio. "The sound of the face being torn apart", says one Member of Parliament, "Is especially offensive."
The first known case of Internet Crime occurred in January of 1987, when one intrepid, opportunistic hacker rearranged the letters in Haste Fice, the name of the Swedish President, so that it now spelled Shite Face. Following this, a group of disgruntled civil servants hacked into the home page of British Home Supplies, leaving the following message. "I want to tickle your eyeball." Countless attacks followed.
The most recent crime was committed by the still-at-large felon who transferred the takings for the previous fiscal year from Shell Oil to his own bedroom, in pound coins. He then emailed the money to various offshore bank accounts. MI5 have yet to close the case. "We know it was a male, aged 34, going by the name of Harold Kline, and that he resides at 13 Hollycourt Road, London. But, I mean, it's like a needle in a haystack."
"The biggest obstacle", says Bernard Ross, a person, "Is the loopholes regarding this. I mean, it is illegal for an adult to look at images of children having sex, but it's not illegal for children to look at it. The crisis this generates is that adults are getting sexual satisfaction simply by looking over the shoulder of their offspring." Ross also explains that what is offensive to one person, may not necessarily be offensive to another. "To some", he says, giving an example, "The image of fat naked men cycling may be completely morally reprehensible. But those same people might not flinch were they to find a two hour video of rabbits abusing a geriatric."
On a well-known newsgroup, which we cannot identify for legal reasons, patrons share and post images of emu sodomy. On another site, visitors are urged to recount fond memories of illicit experiences concerning buffalo.
Article comments
1 - Jim Carruthers
The Duke needs a mustard plaster applied to his genitals. Sure, it will hurt, but it will do you good in long run. Or a nice set of comfy jammies. Really, this is of concern.
2 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
Jim, i am baffled and / or aroused by these comments. Do elaborate. What is of concern? It's my big ears, isn't it.
3 - Jim Carruthers
ewwww, here I am all over that nice Sarah Polley, and you go and spoil the mood. Just take a cold shower why dontcha.
Oh, wait, Margaret Walsh just said "fuck" again, and Scott Thompson said "dirty hooer" several times. On Teevee, live, nationally. So the USA can just South Park our nether regions. Yes, it is Saturday night and I'm watching teevee, but at least it keeps me off the streets. Since I only have to go next door for take-out pho, and I get DVDs by mail, it is somewhat surprising I go out at all.
4 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
Sometimes i wonder if i have ever actually been outside at all. Sure, i got memories, man, like the time when i fell over in a field and stuff, but those could just be hypnotechnical suggestions or some-shit. Maybe i never left the house ever. Maybe there is no house. Maybe i'm just the fantasies of some omnipresent being. If so, man, your fantasies suck. You ever seen Christina Aguilera? She gets naked and everything, man, think about her. What the fuck you wanna think about The Duke for? Sheesh, sometimes God is so unfathomable.
5 - Jim Carruthers
In my fantasies, Jenna Jamesom plays Xtina, and they are doing a remake of that movie where the star has a pussy that sings, but we're not interested in casting Courtney Love despite her claims of having a "magic pussy". Noway, nohow are we going near that.
Now, in my fevered imagination, I am eating hot pepper popcorn while watching "Marathon Man" and thankful I don't have an appointment with a dentist.
6 - Jim Carruthers
Of course, what I really want to know is who searched for "courtney love" and "magic pussy".
No, don't want to know why. Please
7 - Nick Jones
I did. And I wanted to see what the context was.