We contacted one such agency, located at www.gophersforsex.com, who agreed to send us a fresh batch of the rodents on receipt of our credit card details. In the purposes of investigative journalism, and for no other reason, we ordered one box of gophers, which arrived within 28 hours of our order being placed. Tragically, the gophers were dead on arrival. We did, however, in the pursuit of factual understanding of the sordid practice, jolt the creatures with electric charges for up to an hour, whilst, in a truly platonic fashion, pleasuring ourselves with cold yoghurts. However, it was to no avail.
But the fondling of deceased gophers is but a drop in the ocean of filth and degradation. Leading expert in the field, Ben Jones, explains; "With the advent of widespread Internet accessibility, we witness the decline of moral fabric in the common man. Some, it can be argued, may still have some threads from the fabric located in their knees, but many have no material at all. Terrorists have been slow to latch onto the possibilities this creates, thinking it to be a fad like shaving ones entire head except for the fringe, or wearing outlandish trousers."
This, however, is no longer the case. A quick browse through the many chat rooms on the web revealed a meeting ground for members of IRAOFG, Irish Republicans Against Outlandish Facial Growth. One member, HotBoobies99, agreed to meet us in private. Making sure we were shaved accordingly, we met with the terrorist at a well-known café. In pursuit of anonymity, he appeared to us in the form of a 15-year-old male. "It's like, they all got these, like, beards, and it's like, so evil. Ireland can only be free when the faces of our patrons are free. Free from beards, goatees, and even humorously shaven sideburns."
Mere terrorism and gopher molestation are, at present, no concern for the FBI, who have turned their attention towards the illegal transferring of pastry over a secure network. "The illegal transferring of pastry over a secure network is costing this economy at least $67,000,000 per annum. The simple fact is that pastry retailers, foodstuff suppliers, and the actual chefs themselves, are losing out. At the start, the computers only had the capacity to transfer a few crumbs. Then, as the modems grew quicker, more powerful, small buns were transferred. However, with the advent of Broadband technology, entire cakes can be accessed in a matter of seconds." I asked Gordon Gates, chief executive of Internet mischief in the CIA, exactly how worrying this situation is? "Very worrying." Should we be as worried about this, as we might be should our children be kidnapped by known rapists? "Definitely. More so, even."
Article comments
1 - Jim Carruthers
The Duke needs a mustard plaster applied to his genitals. Sure, it will hurt, but it will do you good in long run. Or a nice set of comfy jammies. Really, this is of concern.
2 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
Jim, i am baffled and / or aroused by these comments. Do elaborate. What is of concern? It's my big ears, isn't it.
3 - Jim Carruthers
ewwww, here I am all over that nice Sarah Polley, and you go and spoil the mood. Just take a cold shower why dontcha.
Oh, wait, Margaret Walsh just said "fuck" again, and Scott Thompson said "dirty hooer" several times. On Teevee, live, nationally. So the USA can just South Park our nether regions. Yes, it is Saturday night and I'm watching teevee, but at least it keeps me off the streets. Since I only have to go next door for take-out pho, and I get DVDs by mail, it is somewhat surprising I go out at all.
4 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
Sometimes i wonder if i have ever actually been outside at all. Sure, i got memories, man, like the time when i fell over in a field and stuff, but those could just be hypnotechnical suggestions or some-shit. Maybe i never left the house ever. Maybe there is no house. Maybe i'm just the fantasies of some omnipresent being. If so, man, your fantasies suck. You ever seen Christina Aguilera? She gets naked and everything, man, think about her. What the fuck you wanna think about The Duke for? Sheesh, sometimes God is so unfathomable.
5 - Jim Carruthers
In my fantasies, Jenna Jamesom plays Xtina, and they are doing a remake of that movie where the star has a pussy that sings, but we're not interested in casting Courtney Love despite her claims of having a "magic pussy". Noway, nohow are we going near that.
Now, in my fevered imagination, I am eating hot pepper popcorn while watching "Marathon Man" and thankful I don't have an appointment with a dentist.
6 - Jim Carruthers
Of course, what I really want to know is who searched for "courtney love" and "magic pussy".
No, don't want to know why. Please
7 - Nick Jones
I did. And I wanted to see what the context was.