AUDIENCE: A mythical entity. The "audience" is a beloved notion fervently held by bloggers. Like Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny, its existence has not been proven. Similar to the Santa Claus myth in its presumed omniscience, the "audience" is believed to be ever watchful of and attentive to the smallest detail of the blogger's every action, knowing when the blogger has been sleeping, knowing when the blogger has been awake, and caring.
BLOG: (1) An unforgivably ugly sounding word. (2) A collection of writings which usually lives up to the sound.
BLOGGER: (1) A diarist in search of an audience. (2) A patient in search of a therapist but unable to pay by the hour.
BLOGGING: The act of pissing in the wind without experiencing relief to the bladder.
BLOGOSPHERE: A universe inhabited by the blogospherical.
BROWSER: An application used to receive error messages from a server.
CHAT: The process of exchanging emoticons.
CONTENT: A substance used to fill the empty space on a web page, thereby giving it the eye-pleasing appearance of purpose.
COUNTER: A popular depressant.
DIARY: Blogging as practiced by those who do not believe in the mythical audience. Unlike blogs, diaries require no electricity to operate. They also have a greater likelihood of being read, especially by younger siblings.
EDITOR: (1) An individual who reviews a written work to ensure its accuracy, quality of writing, and interest to the reader. (2) A being not found in the blogosphere.
EMOTICON: A set of keystrokes used to express the full range of human emotions, a range which consists of smiling, winking, frowning, and holding one's mouth open or closed at an angle.
EXISTENCE: The state of being, the attempted proof of which is a blog.
GOOGLE: Christ or Antichrist, depending upon one's religious predilections.
HTML: A protocol for inflicting misery on the masochist.
Article comments
1 - Trish
This is real? Well, that's unfortunate.
TD
2 - Victor Lana
Really fantastic definitions, Jumper. My only disagreement lies with the definition of "editor" number two. Certainly the editors here at blogcritics prove that one wrong.
Otherwise, thanks for the laugh.
3 - Aaman
Very good stuff - are these original?
4 - Matthew T. Sussman
Yes they're his - the press release links to Jumper's blog.
Poor saps, believing the phrase "honest to God" in a satire piece.
5 - Andy Marsh
Very funny, all I can say is I'm glad I'm not "prolific"!
6 - Christopher Rose
Absolutely fabulous, and so true!
I'm really enjoying the many new writers on BC this year - and it's still only the 12th.
7 - Aaman
Please expand and continue this excellent theme
8 - Jumper Bailey
Present editor company excepted, of course. :-)
9 - Joseph Johaneman
LMAO. Oh wait, that would be condescending wouldn't it, given the definition.
Um, good job. Is that better?
10 - Phillip Winn
This isn't a blog, it's an online magazine written by bloggers. So the editors are safe, but I'm still left to wonder whether our writers are diarists or in need of therapy.
Or both.
11 - Matthew T. Sussman
Blogazine?
Weblication?
Aggregator of spiffitude?
12 - Andy Marsh
Phillip - I think the answer to that last question is...yes.
13 - gonzo marx
hehe...the exception that proves the definition...
the gonzo-emoticon...or ASCI bronx cheer...
{8^P~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
heh
thanks for the smile, very fun Post
keep it going
Excelsior!
14 - bhw
Great fun all the way through!
15 - Trish
Whoops. Clearly, I missed the 'satire' bar at the top of this entry. What a poor, poor sap I am.
16 - Elvira Black
Jumper:
When I reached the end of your hysterical post and read that these were excerpts from a book, I said, Oh, ok, he's just copying someone else's funny lines.
But then, clicking on the link, I realized that you yourself were copying your own lines in your own book!
Now that's a horse of a different color.
Funny as hell...and all too true--at least, sometimes.
17 - Google is the Antichrist
Google is the Antichrist