The crying from another room remains largely unheeded. For me, I know my boyfriend will live if he doesn't see me for a few more hours. Hell, I got him those movies to keep him busy. Why can't be occupy his time like my son does - with Gameboy Advance and the Blades of Thunder game? "Look at me! Be with me! I have needs, too!" Men.
The lonely and beleaguered editor settles down in front of the computer again, having tended briefly to personal needs. Said editor contemplates trifocals for a split second, dismissing the thought as another timewasting activity. Who needs vision? Oh, well. Whatever.
Climbing over the bodies of editors past, I approach the pending queue. How could there be another 40 articles in pending since I walked away 38 seconds ago? Don't these writers have lives? Must they churn out an endless stream of content? Crikey!
Diving in, I consider the possibility of joining the circus. Surely, it would be quieter in one of the three rings and cleaning up after the elephants. What on earth is this? What does the author mean by "the talker in the movie spun around and disappeared after talking to the other talker"? Huh? Isn't this an article about the latest takeover of the L.A. Times by the Branch Davidians? I'm confused. Hmm, I'll email the other editors, maybe they'll get it. HOLD FOR CLARIFICATION. I email the author, while I'm at it.
After emailing everyone, I notice someone else has a question about something I know a lot about. I read that. Wha-aat? Oh, okay. I'll handle it. Except Yahoo groups is slow and the issue has already been resolved and I'm just mucking things up. Crap!
Moving on, I pick up another article. Oooh! My luck's changing. I should buy a lottery ticket. This piece doesn't require anything from me other than hitting "publish". I start humming "Glory, Glory, Hallelujah" and wiggle delightedly on the sofa. I let the phone ring as I embrace the next article with great anticipation and hope for another easy edit.
Suddenly the sky darkens and theme song from Jaws is heard in the background. I haven't a clue as to what this is about. I'll email the editor of that section. Oh, wait...that editor's in the hospital. Hmm, what to do? Oh, I know, I'll ask EO to have a look at it. Yeah, that's the ticket. I know he's not busy. Right. He emails me back asking why Advance hasn't been updated and why the hell haven't I written anything on the latest concert or TV show. Uh, I'll pretend I don't see that email.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Pat Fish
This is the funniest thing I read in a month.
2 - Mark Saleski
"Look at me! Be with me! I have needs, too!" Men.
...and you wonder why we write blues tunes! ;-)
3 - chantal stone
all that and you still have time to write! splendid!!
4 - Warren
What she doesn't mention is that this is a SLOW DAY for editors!!
lol Great piece. Now, about that article I have pending ...
5 - Christopher Rose
You forgot to mention the vast salary, lavish expenses account and hordes of Thai ladyboys to take care of our every whim...
6 - Amrita
LOL
And hey, did someone say this is a SLOW day? Oh good, coz I have something for you...
7 - Matthew T. Sussman
Those who can't write, edit.
Those who can't edit, paginate.
Those who can't paginate, write.
8 - Bliffle
Great fun!
9 - Natalie Bennett
Matt, you've obviously worked on a newspaper, although my last line would be:
...Those who can't paginate, manage.
10 - Jackie
Cute, very cute! I strive to be an easy edit.
11 - Matthew T. Sussman
I can do you one better:
"Those who can't manage, sign the checks"
12 - Ruthie
This was enjoyable!
13 - Dave Nalle
It's still better than editing was in the old days. Remember hot glue machines?
Dave
14 - Mary K. Williams
Joanie - 'Whatever!' I loved that.
15 - Joanie
Hey, if we can't make fun of ourselves and each other, where's the joy in living?
16 - Purple Tigress
All glamor and fame: that's what we get as editors for Blogcritics.org.
There is an error in your summary: glamour
17 - Mark Bellinghaus
Wonderful!!!!!
18 - Joanie
Purple Tigress, "glamor" is proper American English. As much as I like the added "u", it's not how I grew up spelling it and that's not how my spellchecker is set.
19 - Jackie
I have trouble trusting spellcheckers. The one on Blogger suggests "jackass" in lieu of "Jackie." Waaah! I shouldn't admit it, but I rarely use a spellchecker when I write. I've always been a good speeler (heehee) and was one of those kids decades ago in the National Spelling Bee. I did poorly, but to this day I can look at a word I don't know and often tell it's spelled wrong. So, I end up trusting an actual dictionary. I have yet to find a spellchecker as good as Funk and Wagnall's!
20 - Joanie
I still look things up even if the spellchecker says it's okay. I hit Merriam-Webster and Dictionary.com every time I have even the slightest question. Both insist that glamor is appropriate American English usage.
21 - Scott Butki
Wait, did people really turn in someone elses work? That is lower than low so if so I'm disappointed.
Joan, this is hilarious.
I'm not sure whether to laugh with you or at you
but next time you email I'll be more sympathetic or empathetic or one of those -ic words which I'd look up if I wasn't so lazy.
I think I'll just turn it in like this and let the editors reading it figure out what I meant.
22 - Jackie
I agree with you on "glamor." It's the American English spelling and that's my way, too. I'm just leery of any spellchecker which wants me to change my name to "Jackass." :::sniffle:::
23 - Scott Butki
I say save the extra u's in glamour, colour, and other britishisms for the countries in major need
of vowells, like Yugoslavia.
24 - Elvira Black
Joan:
ROFL! But honestly, I didn't know editors actually have to go to the bathroom. You didn't mention sleep though...
25 - Joanie
What the hell is sleep? I gave that up when I had kids. But that's another story altogether.