MySpace is like a heroin addiction without the upside. If you visit Gorilla Mask’s meaning for each type of MySpace photo you’ll see the first part of the problem. No one knows how to take a picture anymore. Essentially there are four types of pictures found on My Space. The trendy “I can take pictures off myself in the mirror” photo, the “I’m way too ugly or trying to be too hip to use my real photo” image, the “I’m hideously deformed and want to use a picture of me from far away” photo, and the “look at my dog / booze / make up / left over crack” shot.
Just take a picture of yourself and use it. You shouldn’t care what others think about your appearance, and if you have enough self confidence to post your profile on a site used by over five million people you have enough self confidence to post a photo of yourself. But don’t use one of those four kinds of pictures. They’re dumb, unoriginal, and I rather look at topographical maps than look at your uninspiring photo contribution to the world.
I’ve noticed a disproportionately larger amount of guys commenting on hot girls than there are girls commenting on hot guys. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, but it appears more common for the guys to be guilty of this. So guys listen up. Shut the fuck up. I’ll repeat this in case you thought you misread me. Shut the fuck up. If you see a hot girl on MySpace, do whatever it is you were going to do with your hands and move on. Maybe if your balls have descended send her a message if you want. But there is nothing sadder than three pages or so of guys going on about how hot a girl is in a photo. It’s like the sausage party that never was. The ability to comment on hot girls is not a free pass to make yourself and the rest of us sound like we’re retarded. Girls don’t like suck ups, and using such witty lines like “u r hottt” isn’t going to do anything to boost your sex life. Click here for help on that.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Phillip Winn
I didn't even read the whole review, but I love the book you chose to go with this post. Five Simple Steps To Emotional Healing, indeed!
Funny stuff.
2 - J
This entire post is amazing. Bravo.
3 - Cerulean
My Space is proof that a significant proportion of this country is brain dead. For some reason, a lot of females there are pretending to be sensuous and libidinous in a kind of brainless modern way because it is fashionable and a way to get attention. Civilization is dissolving.
4 - Tan The Man
Awesome, another person who reads Gorilla Mask.
5 - Tan The Man
"If you see a hot girl on My Space, do whatever it is you were going to do with your hands and move on."
HAHAHA.... Fun Stuff...
6 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
Heh Brandon, i chortled plenty there, man. i wrote a similar thing about the horrors of MySpace back in the day on www.mondoirlando.com I think it might still be linked at the bottom of the front page. i found it to be a half-wise reasonable experience, if only because for every million horrors there are a handful of truly wonderful folks worth bein in touch with. but a tiny handful, mind, amongst reams of depressing degredation.
7 - Nathan
My additions on to this topic:
Bands - I DO NOT GIVE A FUCK! If I wanted to hear your shitty ass screamo "band", I would have found you by now on purevolume or through a friend.
Getting messages - "Hey u r cute, u 1 2 talk some time?" will NOT get a response. I don't care if you are the hottest scene slut I've EVER seen. Internet-English is something that should be punishable by choke fucking someone to death.
As with everything on the internet, what was great 18 months ago is mundane today. Maybe I will just go the fuck back to Friendster.
8 - Electricity
You rant in a blog. And that makes you better? Oh, the possibilities.
9 - Who cares
Who really cares this article/post-up, proves that you have equal amount of time to do nothing but talk about the most retarded crap. No I do not have a myspace. Go write letters to your senators to do something good.
10 - no one special
Who really cares this article/post-up, proves that you have equal amount of time to do nothing but talk about the most retarded crap. No I do not have a myspace. Go write letters to your senators to do something good.
11 - jesse
Man, that article is dead on balls accurate. People who created a account on myspace had nothing better to do in the first place either. A congrugation mostly consisting of full blown losers who look for people to put on their 'friends' list that they don't even know....very pethetic
12 - Tan The Man
It might be a waste of time, but my brother and sister have already found people they lost contact with in grade school. Waste of time yes, but it also saves time in finding people.
13 - biG jAy
Wut the Hanes?? Sounds like someone's got a case of myspace crampyness!! Look just because you dont have any friends... spend friday nights at home... Jack off to J.Lo and have the worlds biggest Star Wars toy collection dosn't make you right... ok so everyone you try to add rejevts yo ass, maybe its because your ugly... but thats cool man dont hante the game, hate the playa HANEZ!!
14 - Bob Hartley
i have myspace. but i use it to stay in contact with my friends (just the people i know in real life) during the summer and maybe after i leave for college. it is a good place to have info on yourself and people you know can go checkup on you and maybe drop you a line. also, you can show all the douchs that have dissed on you all the hot girls you hang out with and leave you comments so they get jealous.
15 - Cerulean
I have been checking out Friendster and it seems a lot classier and less sleazy than MySpace, based on limited knowledge.
16 - -E
Eh, it has some redeeming values. One of the people listed in my fave bands found my profile and added me as their friend. Or at least someone working for him. And it is cool, because now I have an easy link to figure out when he comes through Austin again. That and a bunch of the arts organizations I'm involved with have an account on there to keep you up to date with their goings on.
But then again, I don't find any reasons to check it more than maybe once a month. I prefer TheFacebook, not so much of the spammy stuff going on.
17 - Cerulean
EDITORS The typeface is white here.
I actually read that in the white type. That sounds really cool. On Friendster a famous and very cute person actually has a profile there. That drew my attention to it.
18 - dee
the stuff u wrote made sense... but myspace isnt that bad!
19 - Anam
It's about time someone said it!And I just want to say that I consider myself to be a pretty and attractive girl but I don't have a myspace because I know I'm an intelligent and pretty girl and i don't need strangers to tell me me that and give me that confidence. I think most girls on Myspace who have pictures of them in their bikini's, bras and panties, or trashy party look just that . . . trashy, completely unattractive, and unintelligent. I think its ridiculous that girls who start myspace to keep in contact with their friends end up adding every single guy who tells them their "hottt" (spelled with not 1 t but 3) as their friend. When really they don't even have half as many friends in real life. To all of the Myspacers: get over yourself, you're not as pretty or cool as you think you are.
20 - Cerulean
Yeah, it's about young girls acting sleazy to get attention and power, more than anything. Not unique to MySpace but it reaches it's full flower there. It would be different if they just felt so sexy they could not control it, but I doubt that to be the case.
21 - taffy dave
i hate gayspace. Finally someone agrees.
22 - mary
haha i loved this.. i do have a myspace but everything you said bugs me about it too. its not my life, as it is some peoples' who spend hours on end just adding people so it can look like they're cool. And something you left out-- rambling on in the about me section about boring shit that no one cares for and then saying "im random". Girls loove to do that. and post 'sexy' (actually trashy) pics of themselves waiting desperately to hear responses. i really loved this--way to go
23 - Nikki
Thats fair nough, and I agree for the most part, but you have to agree that MySpace got it right with the simplicity. I have my own blog community and it took me months to convert users from MySpace over to mine. The network is built, people dont want to leave. Its easy for beginners. Someone did something right
24 - erika
omfg you are sooo rite about the addiction to myspace. I am always changing it and seeing who has puit coments on my site ..very bold points you made!kewl
see yas
erika
25 - The Theory
yeah, i don't dig myspace. or friendster. and facebook is the worst.
[Thanks for temporary font fix, The Theory. Comments Editor]