If we allow ourselves to continue to have the same angry responses, we just entrench our anger habit, but if we strive to moderate our anger response over time — through consciousness, visualization, and coaching — we can train ourselves to respond to events as we choose, without anger. You can't magically be free from anger tomorrow, but you can put yourself on a training program that will reduce the frequency and intensity of your anger response day-by-day and year-by-year.
My training advice for moderating the anger response is:
1. Consciously practice responding with a little less anger each time a situation provokes you.
2. Practice visualizing aggravating situations and rehearse the response you choose to make to such events.
3. Have patience. It took you years to get so angry. It may take years to reduce anger down to a minor twinge.
4. Understand you can never completely eliminate the anger response. Minimizing anger requires lifelong conscious practice.
The preceding advice is intended for those who are quick to anger, and who display their anger outwardly, but what about people who don't appear to anger? Some people who don't show anger have trained themselves to moderate their anger response, but many others internalize their anger rather than expressing it. While withheld anger may save family and friends from having to endure an outburst, unexpressed anger is even more damaging to its owner than is anger that is verbalized and acted upon.
For those who suffer from repressed anger, there must be an intermediate stop along the path from anger to freedom. First the anger must be expressed. While I believe most people can significantly reduce the frequency and intensity of their anger responses through the training steps above, overcoming repressed anger is usually not a do-it-yourself proposition.
Professional counseling — often including the physical expression of anger in a controlled environment — can reveal and heal the childhood traumas which triggered the lifelong habit of repressing intense anger and hostility. Once a person is able to express their anger, it becomes imperative to immediately begin moderating that response with the goal of feeling no anger, either repressed or outward.
Article comments
1 - roger nowosielski
Tell this to our friend, Ruvy. I'm sure he'll appreciate it.
2 - roger nowosielski
I'd make a case for "feigned anger," because it does serve its purpose to express moral indignation, e.g., with an idea of turning a person around. But of course since it's feigned, you've already licked the problem.
3 - Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Roger, I agree with your point about the usefulness of appearing outraged for the purpose of getting someone's attention. For better or for worse, it proves to be an effective strategy. That it works is telling about human nature. Another argument for the sheer uselessness of genuine blood-pressure-raising anger.
4 - Michael
Fascinating article. Thank you for sharing. We all know people like this and suffer from their ongoing wrath over every perceived slight or we are these people ourselves.
Well written and highly interesting.
5 - Al Barger
Yeah Roger, Ruvy just needs to "moderate" ie supress his anger. No need for him to be pissed just because all the neighbors are trying to kill his people, and that a big part of the rest of the world blames the Jews for Muslim wickedness. Cause all the making nice, forbearance and so forth have done Israel SO much good.
Hey, maybe sometimes supression of anger isn't the answer, but a good old fashion pissed off killing binge against the rats attacking you.
6 - Ras Reed
A well written article that should be read by everyone who is unable to control his or her temper. I agree with you on the power of visualization. If we few moments to visualize the result of our anger, we will know how to react appropriately.