Twenty-one years ago today I awoke naked in a seclusion room at Clinton Valley Center, a Michigan state psychiatric hospital. I had just managed to live through the worst night of my life, and upon regaining consciousness I thought that I had died and gone to hell. For three days I was in that little cell while my breast milk painfully dried up and I was overdosed by the attending nurses with Haldol, an anti-psychotic drug.
As the dystonia overtook my body, my tongue was lashing uncontrollably out of my mouth and I was shuddering with convulsions and seizure-like body movements. I was quickly transferred to a medical ward where I was once again placed in four-point restraints on a gurney and given 50 mg of Benadryl to help with the reaction.
Thus began the nightmare that was the biggest wake-up call of my life.
Three months previously I had given birth to a beautiful little girl and after a move in the dead of winter when she was six weeks old, I quickly degenerated into sleep deprivation mania and then experienced a psychotic break when she was three and a half months old. My husband and parents took me to a private Michigan hospital where I absolutely refused to sign myself into the psychiatric ward, and so I was sent on a medical certificate to the state hospital which was located in Pontiac, Michigan.
A few hours after my family left me in the care of the "professionals" I was being gang raped by four orderlies who, after cleaning me up a little bit, threw me — literally tossed me naked — into a seclusion room where I landed with a thud on a hard mat.
In mania a few days before I was hospitalized
Don't believe torture exists in America? Do a little research on the abuses of the mentally Ill in long-term psychiatric care for more clarity on that topic.
Why write about this painfully private and horrifying episode on the eve of the biggest power grab in American History by the federal government? These stories need to be told.
After a year of being court ordered to eat a cocktail of psychiatric medications, I was able to find a female psychiatrist who gradually helped me to wean myself from the medications I had been forced to take by the judge. During the six weeks of my hospitalization, I had absolutely refused to be medicated as I wanted to continue to breastfeed my daughter.
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Article comments
1 - Dave
Sorry, but I don't believe that you were raped. I'll bet the farm that it only happened in your mind. We all know that "recovered memories" are hokum. What a terrible thing to say.
Treated harshly? Probably. You yourself admitted that you had a psychotic break. What do you expect? People that are going through psychotic episodes aren't exactly easy to deal with.
Sorry, but this is the type of rubbish that keeps people from seeking treatment.
Signed,
Someone who has been there too....
2 - Jenny Hatch
Dave,
I was raped by four orderlies the night I was incarcerated in Clinton Valley Center in Pontiac Michigan in March of 1989.
This state mental hospital, which was located in one of the toughest neighborhoods in Michigan, has since been torn down.
I was strapped to a four point restraint table and the orderlies raped me while I was restrained. They then threw my naked body into a seclusion room where I was to remain for a few days before they sent me up to the medical ward because I was refusing to eat.
I spent those three days praying and begging the Lord to let me die and willing myself to die.
I'm sorry that you have "been there too".
I admit that I was a difficult patient, but you are absolutely incorrect in stating that "everyone knows" that recovered memories are not real.
I was like you during my twenties, I would watch movies about repressed trauma as related to sexual abuse and think to myself "what a load..."
Then my brother, who was my best friend, died of a drug overdose in 2001 and like a volcano exploding in my brain, the memories started to come into my conscious mind. I was re-hospitalized for suicidal overwhelm the week after he died. (This is very common when the memories start to surface)
I'm not offended that you don't believe, until it happened to me, I did not believe it either.
Laura Davis Book, The Courage to Heal workbook was a lifeline to me during that time and she makes the case in her materials that when the memories start to surface it is a sign of health, because the persons body and mind recognize that the suffering soul has matured enough to face the truth.
Rape in mental hospitals is a reality.
I believe now that many of those who suffer from emotional illness were probably sexually assaulted, especially when they were children.
I was first molested as a pre-verbal baby and post partum depression/psychosis is directly tied to sexual abuse.
Jenny
3 - Carrie
I think you are so brave to post your story on here for others to realize how bad it really is. I was molested by my father for years and as an adult it still lies fresh within my memories. I am so greatful to people like you that can put your stories out here so people like me know that we're not alone. I am also discusted that people can put that your lying when only you knows how horriable it once was for you. I know that God our Father is the only one that heloed you through this and it is he that has gave you the strength to helps others in need. Thank you for your story and your message. It helped me alot.God bless you and your family
C.E. 31 Indiana
4 - Kim
I am a psychiatric nurse and do not believe that all medications are poison, some patients lead productive lives after having their moods stabilized. I can't say that you were raped or abused, I have never witnessed such horrid treatment in the mental hospitals I have worked in. I pray that you all find peace in your life and mind.
5 - Theresa
Jenny, I understand your pain. Only those who have been there can understand the Horror's of Clinton Valley.
As a very young child my Mother spent several years there. My visits there were sad, scary and awful. I believe horrible things happened there. My Mother was over medicated and in a Zombie like state like most of the other patients there. It was a very cold, lonely, isolated, sad existence for most. I witnessed first hand the damage it did to my Mother, she never recovered from her treatment there. She Died at the age of 57. Her brain was the size of an 80 year old. Damage done by medication. She never got to be a Mother to me or my Brother again, and I will never forgive or forget Clinton Valley.
6 - dave a
i was there in 89-91 and the things that i saw have made me numb. from witnessing death to abbuse of myself and others. cvc in my mind was a bad horror movie i will never forget. from someone who was there i do belive you were raped ive seen worse things there.