Below is an anonymous e-mail I received today. Hopefully, America will think before it votes next year. I hope Ann Coulter is out there somewhere reading this.
Whomever got this chain mail started deserves a medal of honor.
"President" George W. Bush
Curriculum Vitae
Past Work Experience
- Ran for congress and lost.
- Bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas, company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
- Bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using tax-payer money. Biggest move: Traded Sammy Sosa to the Chicago White Sox who then sent him to the Cubs.
- With fathers help (and his name) was elected Governor of Texas.
Accomplishments- Changed pollution laws for power and oil companies and made Texas the most polluted state in the Union.
- Replaced Los Angeles with Houston as the most smog ridden city in America. Cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas government to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
- Set record for most executions by any Governor in American history.
- Became president after losing the popular vote by over 500,000 votes, with the help of my fathers appointments to the Supreme Court.
Accomplishments as president - Attacked and took over two countries.
- Spent the surplus and bankrupted the treasury.
- Shattered record for biggest annual deficit in history.
- Set economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12 month period.
- Set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock market.
- First president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.
- First president in US history to enter office with a criminal record.
- First year in office set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any president in US history.
- After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, presided over the worst security failure in US history.
- Set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips than any other president in US history.
- In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their job.
- Cut unemployment benefits for more out of work Americans than any president in US history.
- Set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12 month period.
- Appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any president in US history.
- Set the record for the least amount of press conferences than any president since the advent of television.
- Signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than any president in US history.
- Presided over the biggest energy crises in US history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.
- Presided over the highest gasoline prices in US history and refused to use the national reserves as past presidents have.
- Cut healthcare benefits for war veterans.
- Set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.
- Dissolved more international treaties than any president in US history.
- My presidency is the most secretive and un-accountable of any in US history.
- Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in US history. (the 'poorest' multi-millionaire, Condoleeza Rice has an Exxon oil tanker named after her).
- First president in US history to have all 50 states of the Union simultaneously go bankrupt.
- Presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud of any market in any country in the history of the world.
- First president in US history to order a US attack and military occupation of a sovereign nation.
- Created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of the United States.
- Set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any president in US history.
- First president in US history to have the United Nations remove the US from the human rights commission.
- First president in US history to have the United Nations remove the US from the elections monitoring board.
- Removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of congressional oversight than any presidential administration in US history.
-Rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.
- Withdrew from the World Court of Law.
- Refused to allow inspectors access to US prisoners of war and by default no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.
- First president in US history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 US elections).
- All-time US (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations.
- My biggest life-time campaign contributor presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).
- Spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in US history.
- First president in US history to unilaterally attack a sovereign nation against the will of the United Nations and the world community.
- First president to run and hide when the US came under attack (and then lied saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1)
- First US president to establish a secret shadow government.
- Took the biggest world sympathy for the US after 911, and in less than a year made the US the most resented country in the world (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in US and world history).
- With a policy of 'dis-engagement' created the most hostile Israeli-Palestine relations in at least 30 years.
- First US president in history to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.
- First US president in history to have the people of South Korea more threatened by the US than their immediate neighbor, North Korea.
- Changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
- Set all-time record for number of administration appointees who violated US law by not selling huge investments in corporations bidding for government contracts.
- Failed to fulfill my pledge to get Osama Bin Laden 'dead or alive'.
- Failed to capture the anthrax killer who tried to murder the leaders of our country at the United States Capital building. After 18 months I have no leads and zero suspects.
- In the 18 months following the 911 attacks I have successfully prevented any public investigation into the biggest security failure in the history of the United States.
- Removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other president in US history.
- In a little over two years created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided the US has ever been since the civil war.
- Entered office with the strongest economy in US history and in less than two years turned every single economic category heading straight down.
-Lied in my State of the Union address in order to gain public support for a war in which many were already opposed.
-Pointed the finger at the CIA (my father’s former employer) when I got caught lying in my State of the Union address.
-My Vice President's "former" company is the sole contractor for cleaning up Iraq after we destroyed it. However, he is unavailable for comment at this time - as usual.
Article comments
1 - Tom Johnson
Childish.
2 - Natalie
Yes it is, but I found it funny anyway.
The following bit of childish shrubfoolery arrived in my inbox today:
"This taped conversation in the Oval Office has been leaked to the Washington Post:
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi : And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?"
3 - Doctor Slack
"Childish."
But, for the most part, accurate.
And yes, the "Hu's on First" routine is f*cking brilliant.
4 - The Raging Critic
Mr Johnson -
You call this childish????? I do not think this "resume" is childish, nor do I think it is remotely funny. I think it is sad, but even worse - SCARY!
This "resume" points out every inadequacy our "leader" has revealed in only 2 and a half years.
How can anyone call this childish? Is it childish to alert people about all of the things our "President" has been doing while in office? Is it childish to speak out against a man's presidency when it relates to his presidential duties, or is it more mature to impeach a man because he lied about getting a blow job?
5 - The Raging Critic
NATALIE -
NOW THAT WAS FUNNY!
6 - Natalie
Thank you. I'll be in town all week.
7 - Tom Johnson
Natalie - definitely very funny. Thanks.
Raging Critic: "Mr.," huh? Okay. Anyway, it's still childish. I simply do not have time nor really care to refute your each and every point, but suffice it to say that the majority of your list is simple biased BS. And much of it is utterly pointless - just dredging up anything that might sound negative to the right audience. To the rest it sounds childish, because that's what it is. You can make anything sound negative with the right slant on it, and that's what this "resume" is.
Let's hit a few points at random:
"Vacation," mentioned more than once. The president never takes an actual vacation, and is instead doing his job elsewhere than the White House. Do you really think he just heads off to the beach for a month? No, he's briefed every morning just like he always is, and is on top of everything going on at all times, being accompanied by top aides as he always is.
"Set economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12 month period" - which is completely out of his control and is really instead to be blamed on Clinton's administration. If you're intelligent, you should know as well as anyone else that the effects of the previous administration on the economy take years to surface. So what you blame on Bush is really Clinton's fault.
"Set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock market." See above - Bush had nothing to do with this.
"My presidency is the most secretive and un-accountable of any in US history." Opinion, plain and simple.
"First president in US history to have all 50 states of the Union simultaneously go bankrupt." Again, read the comments on the economy above.
"First president to run and hide when the US came under attack (and then lied saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1)" - Uh, no, sorry, Mr. Bush again had nothing to do with this. He has no choice in the matter, his Secret Service agents usher him off in order to protect THE NATION. It's a big secret, see, so that anyone attacking the nation can't find him. Makes sense, no?
"First US president in history to have the people of South Korea more threatened by the US than their immediate neighbor, North Korea." Opinion, again.
"Failed to fulfill my pledge to get Osama Bin Laden 'dead or alive'." Not a failure at all if it hasn't happened yet.
"Failed to capture the anthrax killer who tried to murder the leaders of our country at the United States Capital building. After 18 months I have no leads and zero suspects. " Again, how is this Bush's fault?
"Removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other president in US history. " Again, opinion. I haven't had any freedoms or civil liberties removed. Have you? Name 'em.
Most of all, Mr. Raging Critic, when you post something like this, you'd better know about each and every one of these items. Here's betting you don't.
There's an awful lot of stupid political posts on Blogcritics, but this by far takes it as the most stupid. Regardless of whether it was originally intended as a joke or not, it's just plain stupid and childish.
8 - Doctor Slack
'"Vacation," mentioned more than once. The president never takes an actual vacation, and is instead doing his job elsewhere than the White House.'
Hang out in his living room out at Crawford, do you? How is it, precisely, that you know what he's doing out at the stage set, errr, ranch, or when he receives briefings?
'"Set economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12 month period" - which is completely out of his control and is really instead to be blamed on Clinton's administration. '
Of course, 'cause it's always to be blamed on Clinton's administration. It must have been Clinton who pushed through all those tax shifts, errr, cuts, for example. Can you be specific about how this is supposed to be Clinton's fault? Here's betting you can't.
You know, I wonder how long the GOP and their more pitiful apologists will be playing the "blame Clinton" game. I sometimes have visions of doddering old men in 2064 missing a putt on their favorite golf green and shaking their fists at the sky: "Damn you, Bill Clinton! DAAAAMMNNN YOUUU!"
'"Set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock market." See above - Bush had nothing to do with this.'
Riight. Because the White House's anemic response to the most massive corporate fraud scandals in history can't have had anything to do with the stock market dropping. Musta been Bill and the cigar.
'"My presidency is the most secretive and un-accountable of any in US history." Opinion, plain and simple.'
So you're arguing that the PATRIOT Act does not, in fact, exist. Right?
'"First president in US history to have all 50 states of the Union simultaneously go bankrupt." Again, read the comments on the economy above.'
The fist shakes harder: "DAAAAAMNNNN YOUUUUUU, BIIIILLLLL...."
'"Removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other president in US history. " Again, opinion. I haven't had any freedoms or civil liberties removed. Have you? Name 'em.'
Oh, I don't know. Let's start here. Do you have any specific refutations of their concerns? If so, name 'em.
'"First president to run and hide when the US came under attack (and then lied saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1)" - Uh, no, sorry, Mr. Bush again had nothing to do with this. He has no choice in the matter, his Secret Service agents usher him off in order to protect THE NATION. It's a big secret, see, so that anyone attacking the nation can't find him. Makes sense, no?'
There's a lively debate about Bush's movements on 9-11, but on this one you may have a point. There are far more troubling questions about that day than just the movements of Airforce One. We'll have to update the resume.
'"First US president in history to have the people of South Korea more threatened by the US than their immediate neighbor, North Korea." Opinion, again.'
Actually, Bush has merely presided over a period of unprecedented anti-American sentiment in South Korea, related in part to the obnoxiousness of American troops stationed there and in part to Bush's policy of promoting peace and stability in the region by, you know, calling North Korea part of an Axis of Evil and talking about "preemption." He seems to be seen basically as willing to put South Koreans in harm's way in order to grandstand for his electoral base; kind of a diffuse but biggish meta-threat, as opposed to the direct but fading threat of NK. And AFAICT they're right to see him that way.
'"Failed to fulfill my pledge to get Osama Bin Laden 'dead or alive'." Not a failure at all if it hasn't happened yet. '
Okay, look. If one pledges to do a thing, and then does not in fact do that thing, has one succeeded or failed in doing that thing?
Tell you what, we can add in the words "thus far." Better?
'"Failed to capture the anthrax killer who tried to murder the leaders of our country at the United States Capital building. After 18 months I have no leads and zero suspects. " Again, how is this Bush's fault?'
There once was a President who kept a sign on his desk that said "The buck stops here." I wonder what the sign on Bush's desk says. Maybe: "The buck stops with one of my various underlings or with Bill Clinton (don't ask, it's a long story)." Has a nice ring to it.
"There's an awful lot of stupid political posts on Blogcritics, but this by far takes it as the most stupid. "
There's an awful lot of stupid kneejerk defenses of right-wing politics on Blogcritics. This one is far from the stupidest I've seen, I'm sorry to say, but I don't think it's quite the devastating performance you were hoping for.
9 - Tom Johnson
"Blame Clinton" - no, I'm blaming his administration for allowing the dot-com situation to go out of control, for encouraging the bloated and unmaintainable growth in that sector. It was destined - doomed - to fail, and Clinton left office just as the bubble burst. If it was another president, Rep or Dem, I'd be blaming him as well. The markets would be in exactly the position they are today if Gore were president.
10 - Doctor Slack
See, it's funny - when Clinton was in power, the GOP were falling all over themselves to take credit for the bubble economy. Now, suddeny, it was all Clinton -- you know, they tried to resist him, but maybe it was something about his eyes...
Nevertheless, I agree that Clinton should be held ultimately responsible for the bubble, and that it's true that the bubble had to go bust eventually. Whether that had to lead to the economic crisis that followed Enron etc is something else again. I'm no great fan of Gore, but I can't imagine him staging openly phony "economic forums" in the midst of a situation like that.
11 - Joe
Inane, I think, is the word you were looking for. You'd probably find a more receptive audience at the venerable Democratic Underground or Indymedia, but I suspect this has already made the rounds there.
Given the proximity of the two presidential terms, it's pretty disingenuous to ascribe blame or credit to either Clinton or Bush without considering the other.
12 - Doctor Slack
Let me put it more clearly: Bush can share blame for the bubble economy but not blame for the central elements of the economic crisis during his administration, eg. the vanished surplus, the fraud scandals and the drying-up of pension funds, the crashing stock market, bankrupt state governments et cetera. All of those things are directly traceable to his policies -- they are not necessary consequences of the bubble's bursting.
13 - Joe
Sure, Doc, only Bush's policies, no impact from other world events. And I'm pretty sure that those fraud scandal wheels only began rolling after Bush took office. Up to that point, Ken Lay had been running a model corporation. C'mon, you're better than that.
14 - mkilcer
How bout getting Dennis Kucinich in the presidental office. Check out www.kucinich.us.