The Magical Hanukkahtime Section Variety Hour is an eight-day cruise through every section at BC Magazine except the one where the author has any knowledge whatsoever. On the eighth and final evening: BC Sci/Tech!
Earlier this year, I came across a series of rather unsettling predictions by noted computer nerd Ray Kurzweil in his book The Age of Spiritual Machines, published nine years ago, saying that in 2019, "Human-robot relationships begin as simulated personalities become more convincing." Ten years later, he concludes that we'll have a discussion on whether or not robots should be bestowed the same rights as human beings. Can they vote? Can they own handguns? Is it immoral for them to have the Ten Commandments stored on them in a public setting?
While some of his predictions for the future seem really apocalyptic (the world will turn into a giant supercomputer, which I'm guessing would make Twitter an official medical disease), his theory of human-robot relationships seems the geekiest. While he's probably talking about friendships, any relationship should have the potential to blossom into loveless, sexless marriage. Of course, first they have to fight for the right to legalize robo-marriage ("We're here, we're engineered, get used to it")
So here is the pre-emptive bigoted list of reasons I am against robo-marriage, especially since there are tons of reasons nobody would want an artificial wife:
• It was already tough enough to argue with human women. Try getting past "You can't watch the football game because an unexpected error says so."
• Your friends will soon find a video of your wife taking several external drives at once, shaming you at work.
• It will be tough to mate, especially since her ovaries will be Linux-based.
• She will have wi-fi, but she will only pick up that annoying Puppy Cam.
• Looking for solace in the bathroom? I don't think a locked door will help you much in escaping her. Have you learned nothing from Sam Waterston? Robots can break through bathroom locks because they're made of metal, and robots are strong.
• Piggybacking on the previous item, your robot wife will probably kill your grandparents.
• If you do mate, you will have to worry about your half-robot child sleeping around in high school, then you have to worry about STDs and spyware.
• If you thought human nagging was bad, just wait until you endure the for-loop.
• You'd be just like this guy. And if you're anything like that guy, your robot wife will look like a 12-year-old Japanese girl, and that's just wrong.
(Note: article void if read by Gary Glitter)
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Article comments
1 - Al Barger
I'm now having visions of Frank Zappa's human-android relationships from Joe's Garage. It looks like a Telefunken U47. With rubber? And leather - you'll LOVE it.
The robo-wife thing could work out very bad, or very good. If we make the same dumb mistake like we did with human women of giving them equal rights, and especially of letting them vote, then we're in for the dismal future Suss suspects.
On the other hand, under normal human-computer master-slave conditions, it's mostly all good. If she's getting difficult, just accidentally disconnect her power supply during sex - so she don't see it coming - and then take her in for a little re-programming. That'd be MUCH easier to work with than any human woman I've known.
2 - Matthew T. Sussman
"take her in for a little re-programming"
I believe that's called a Scientology marriage. Also:
"If we make the same dumb mistake like we did with human women of giving them equal rights"
...yeah.
3 - Jet
Electric Light Orchestra
"I love you 2095"
2095, 2095, 2095, 2095
I love you, sincerely
Yours truly, yours truly...
I sent a message to another time
But as the days unwind,
this I just cant believe
I sent a note across another plane
Maybe its all a game,
but this I just can't conceive.
Can you hear me?
I drive the very latest hovercar
I don't know where you are
But I miss you so much till then
I met someone who looks a lot like you
She does the things you do
But she is an I.B.M.
2095, 2095, 2095, 2095
I love you, sincerely
Yours truly, yours truly...
Shes only programmed to be very nice
But she's as cold as ice
Whenever I get too near
She tells me that she likes me very much
But when I try to touch
She makes it all too clear.
She is the latest in technology
Almost mythology
But she has a heart stone
She has an i.q. of 1001
She has a jumpsuit on
She's also a telephone.
2095, 2095, 2095, 2095
I love you, sincerely
Yours truly, yours truly...
Chorus:
Is that what you want? (is it what you want? )
Is it what you really want? (is it what you really want? )
Is that what you want? (is it what you want? )
Is it what you really want?
I realize that it must seem so strange
That time has rearranged
But time has the final word
She knows I think of you, she reads my mind
She tries to be unkind
She knows nothing of our world
Although her memory banks overflow
No one would ever know
For all she says: "is that what you want?
Maybe one day I;ll feel her cold embrace
And kiss her interface
til then, Ill leave her alone.
I love you, sincerely
Yours truly, yours truly...
Repeat chorus:
Is that what you want?
4 - Dan
Bring back the Daily Suss.
5 - Joanne Huspek
What if it's the husband that's the robot?
6 - Jet
I don't think you'd be able to tell the difference Joanne if he's the typical husband.
Paraphrased from above...
Almost mythology
But he has a heart stone
He has an i.q. of 1001
He has a jumpsuit on
He's also a telephone.
7 - Jason
I'll take my chances. Anything is better than a human woman.
8 - Jet
I don't know how I transcribed that wrong, the lyrics should read "She has a heart OF stone"