The Magical Hanukkahtime Section Variety Hour is an eight-day cruise through every section at BC Magazine except the one where the author has any knowledge whatsoever. On the eighth and final evening: BC Sci/Tech!
Earlier this year, I came across a series of rather unsettling predictions by noted computer nerd Ray Kurzweil in his book The Age of Spiritual Machines, published nine years ago, saying that in 2019, "Human-robot relationships begin as simulated personalities become more convincing." Ten years later, he concludes that we'll have a discussion on whether or not robots should be bestowed the same rights as human beings. Can they vote? Can they own handguns? Is it immoral for them to have the Ten Commandments stored on them in a public setting?
While some of his predictions for the future seem really apocalyptic (the world will turn into a giant supercomputer, which I'm guessing would make Twitter an official medical disease), his theory of human-robot relationships seems the geekiest. While he's probably talking about friendships, any relationship should have the potential to blossom into loveless, sexless marriage. Of course, first they have to fight for the right to legalize robo-marriage ("We're here, we're engineered, get used to it")
So here is the pre-emptive bigoted list of reasons I am against robo-marriage, especially since there are tons of reasons nobody would want an artificial wife:
• It was already tough enough to argue with human women. Try getting past "You can't watch the football game because an unexpected error says so."
• Your friends will soon find a video of your wife taking several external drives at once, shaming you at work.
• It will be tough to mate, especially since her ovaries will be Linux-based.
• She will have wi-fi, but she will only pick up that annoying Puppy Cam.
• Looking for solace in the bathroom? I don't think a locked door will help you much in escaping her. Have you learned nothing from Sam Waterston? Robots can break through bathroom locks because they're made of metal, and robots are strong.
• Piggybacking on the previous item, your robot wife will probably kill your grandparents.
• If you do mate, you will have to worry about your half-robot child sleeping around in high school, then you have to worry about STDs and spyware.
• If you thought human nagging was bad, just wait until you endure the for-loop.
• You'd be just like this guy. And if you're anything like that guy, your robot wife will look like a 12-year-old Japanese girl, and that's just wrong.
(Note: article void if read by Gary Glitter)