If I get another job, I might have to move again, to another strange city far from home. Even if I move down to Berkeley or somewhere closer to San Francisco, I will have to balance higher rent and a 20-mile commute, plus bridge toll, on a $14 an hour job. I don’t know if I can do that.
But isn’t it about time I start fighting my way toward the center?
I guess I just can’t get over the fact that, once I lose this weight, I’ll have to start over with something else.
Is that the reason I keep tripping up? Honestly, I don’t really think so. But every other reason I think of — an inability to delay gratification, the idea that I am owed some sort of prize for what I have done so far, a basic hunger for salted meats — leads back to the idea of fearing success. I am very close to complete success. So what is blocking me from taking care of that last mile?
That said, I should let you know that the last three days have gone very well. Though I would say I ate about 2,000 calories on Tuesday, I am cool with the distribution and choices I made.
Mentally, I am right where I should be: Looking forward to knocking off these last few pounds, wondering how long it will take to see a real difference in myself. I am wondering when I will move from XXL shirts to XL shirts, though the size 44 pants I used to wear are entirely too big now, as are the size 42 pants I bought to replace them. I bought a pair of shorts on Sunday, size 40, which isn’t exactly snug. The size 38 shorts I tried on were just a bit too snug. I am wearing shirts that I never could wear before, though they all seem a bit too short.
These things are encouraging and they make me wonder how much lower I can go.
I think I’ll have to just buck up for the next couple of weeks and make this happen. I’ll have to make smart decisions, like going to the gym before work. And I’ll have to realize when I am close to sabotaging the goals I have been working toward for the last two years.
Article comments
1 - Alexandria
That'll be $356.
I'm glad you are taking a look at the fear issues of being who you know you can be. I hear it in you - YOU know you're so much better than some of the other journalists out there. You know you are smarter, wittier, etc. You're right. Take a chance on you. I have more to say (as usual) but I have a client who just walked in.
Keep up the focus on you!
2 - Alexandria Jackson
I'm baaaack.
OK, what I wanted to say is that you should document for you alone. While it is wonderful for me to read that you're this insightful, it might flow a bit freer if you didn't have to publish it.
And, no, I'm not giving away therapy for free. On your blog, I'm just Selma, the cheerleader, who just happens to have some basic knowledge of human behavior.
So, consider keeping a journal of how you're feeling and what you're thinking when you decide not to go to the gym and you decide to eat at Taco Bell. RIGHT THEN. Not 4 days later when you've gotten back on track and can sit back and tell us objectively that you had a bender but you're back in control. That doesn't help you figure yourself out at all.
When it happens, that's when you need to sit down and journal for yourself. Why was today so hard? Why did you decide to eat TB? Why was your willpower not stronger? The answer is NOT that you just decided to say "Fuck it." That's too easy and that is beneath you. What were you thinking/feeling? What had happened at work? Why do you feel pressured by June....etc. Only you can do that work. Once you have it partly figured out for yourself, then if you want you can choose to share.
OK, I have to go again. Good luck!!!!