I was full after the cereal. There is no doubt about that. My stomach didn’t need more food; my mind didn’t want more food. But my mouth wanted to taste something more, was sick of lean meats and fat free cereals, wanted no part of vegetables and fruit and whole wheat bread. It wanted something sweet, something greasy, something that will stick around a little longer and make the night a little warmer.
So I paced the house, wondering what I should do, mind games speaking in the voice of hunger. I thought about my Day 2 post and how I stood tall in front of readers and haughtily talked down to everyone about how it’s all about choices, about the option to do or not do. But my urges were growing and I was a total and complete fraud. I couldn’t control it. That’s the worst part. I felt like I had no power over these urges. There was nothing I could do to reverse them. My mind lost the total control it enjoyed for two days. On the third, it just spiraled out of control.
It was 11 p.m. and I was struggling with the choice between Burger King, Taco Bell, leftover spaghetti from the roommate or nothing. Nothing was the dark horse. It never had a chance. The other three were pumped up and neck and neck at the finish line.
As the race continued it became obvious that I was going to have compromise with myself. I checked the fridge and saw a grocery bag full of hostess products my other roommate brought home tonight. I had refused them earlier. Now they were calling for me. I grabbed a fruit pie and a package of yellow cupcakes, looked at them hard and put them back in the bag. The compromise would be Burger King, which sports a decent garden burger that’s not bad for you if you don’t get mayo.
In my car at 11:15, down at the Burger King a few minutes later, I forget to order no mayo. It never actually crossed my mind to order no mayo. In fact, I forgot there was even mayo on that sandwich. Came home, turned out the lights, started up a movie, unwrapped the burger and tasted that mayo before anything else. The compromise had gone to shit, but the mayo tasted great.
So I finished the burgers, and still wanted more. It was an insatiable feeling I haven’t had since my peak weight of 370. There was no rationalization, but there was no talking myself out of it either. I just felt like I didn’t have control.
Article comments
1 - Purple Tigress
I haven't really been paying too much attention and no one really wants to listen to me talk about dieting, however, looking at your calorie intake I'd say it was sort of low, even for me and I'm under 5 foot.
I also think that outside of you Subway sandwich, you were skimping on some important things like dairy (cheese or yogurt) and fruits or vegetables.
You might consider looking into the value versus caloric content of foods. For instance, instead of grapes which are high in sugar and also water content, why not eat something with more fiber or nutrients? Something like tomato, carrots or a glass of grapefruit juice would boost the vitamin A and C content of your diet. Also you could easily add spinach to your breakfast. I'm guessing that the Campbell's can probably is higher in sodium than you probably need as well.
From what I've observed with free food available at or through work is that people with a weight problem always say yes and always take more than one helping. Take one helping. I always see people taking two when one would do or if you must, save it for the next day. Then perhaps not even backing off on the food intake the next day.
I also wondered if you had consulted a doctor about this. Pretty important, IMHO.
I have low blood pressure, good bone density for my age and weigh myself every day to make sure I'm neither gaining nor losing weight.
2 - MAOZ
Dan, for what it's worth: a fellow named David Zulberg [IIRC] wrote a book titled "The Life-Transforming Diet", which is based largely on nutritional principles set forth by the Rambam. I've found it very helpful. You might want to give it a gander.
B'hatzlacha! I wish you success!