In light of the upcoming Homeland Security Department report outlining a dozen "frightening if hypothetical scenarios," terrorist-mastermind Osama bin Laden has reportedly sent gourmet gift baskets to President Bush and others in the administration.
"On behalf of myself, and my fellow terrorists, I'd like to personally thank the Bush administration for their wonderful suggestions as to how to best destroy the Great Satan," said the world's most wanted terrorist, on a videotape aired on Al Jazeera television this morning.
"Spreading pneumonic plague in public restrooms...Infecting cattle with foot and mouth disease...these are some seriously great ideas," said bin Laden.
"Sure, we were already thinking about the nuclear, excuse me, my English is not so good, I mean nukyaler, option, but blowing up a chlorine tank? That's genius. Who would've guessed a single tank could kill 17,500 infidels? Certainly not me," he continued.
"And did you know that an 'estimated 350,000 people could be exposed to an anthrax attack by my Holy Warriors spraying the biological weapon from a truck driving through five cities over two weeks'? I didn't. But according to this report, an estimated 13,200 people could die. That's great news. For us, at least."
Bin Laden went on to say he hopes the President and other administration officials enjoy the gourmet gift baskets. "I'd love to give Mr. Bush a something a bit more personal, perhaps some homemade falafel, but something like that is a bit hard to arrange when you're living in a cave. All I have to say is thank Allah we still get the Internet."
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Richard Porter
Perhaps you should wake up from your dream. Today, in the REAL world, there are terrorists out there who will do and try anything to achieve their goals. Do you actually think that they have not thought up any, if not all, of the scenarios listed?
Try supporting the President and the forces of good that work daily to prevent any future attacks on our soil and on our citizens.
And one more thing, you would probably cry the loudest if something happened near you and then you would write another blog post smothered in traiterous sarcasm.
2 - copygodd
dang, rich. and i thought my article was funny.
sure, it's just a small bit 'o parody about our constant revelations of “new” ways the terrorists could attack us, but your comment kills on every level.
seriously. “traitorous sarcasm”? that’s comedy gold, rich. comedy gold.
3 - Dave Nalle
You think Bin Laden couldn't come up with scenarios like this on his own, or find someone who had spent some time in America to come up with them for him? Hell, I can think of dozens even better than the ones you list which might be easier to achieve. I still don't understand why they haven't tried bombing shopping malls. It would be so incredibly easy.
Dave
4 - Richard Porter
Dave
I agree. The problem is that there are too many scenarios to cover everything that might occur and even though we have worked hard to prevent another attack, I also feel we have been very lucky.
Maybe that's why I became a little angry about the "humor" in this post. What could possibly materialize one day is too horrifying to even contemplate.
5 - Eric Olsen
and yet must be quietly and persistently contemplated for the purposes of prevention.
I also think part of our "luck" thus far is that the Bush Doctrine of staying on the offense and chasing the fuckers down on their home turf has been at least somewhat effective.
6 - Richard Porter
Eric
I agree with you as well and as you've seen from my previous posts and comments I believe in what the President has done and is doing to combat and prevent additional attacks.
Unlike John Stewart, I do hope my children can read about President Bush in our history books as maintaining a very successful administration for the United States and the world.
7 - Eric Olsen
I know you have Richard, and I hope so too. If the Middle East is transformed, he will be
8 - copygodd
i totally agree. it is too horrible to contemplate. but someone has to, and i'm glad our government is. because god knows the terrorists certainly are.
my only point (which i believe eric nailed with his "quietly" comment) was that i don't understand why the government continues to publicize their findings. to announce we've determined that 300,000 would be killed by this, or 2 million would be killed by that seems (to me, at least) to serve no purpose other than to scare people even further. maybe i'm wrong though (it has happened on more than one occasion), and people will start keeping a closer eye on chlorine tanks now that they've been alerted to the danger.
i just hope we continue to work as hard on preventing these scenarios from coming true as we are publicizing the results of our projections.
9 - a-[e]
copygodd: Great piece, as usual. Very funny. This thread just gets unintentionally funnier and funnier.
To the rest of you: you're idiots. You people need to get a sense of humor and take that 10 ft. American-made flag pole out of your asses. Who in the hell gets even "a little angry" over something like this? Did the terrorists steal your sense of humor? What you self-righteous, chest-beating humorless "patriots" don't realize is that you are the biggest jokes of all. You're all so busy trying to act like real serious American tough-guys you don't realize that we're all laughing at *you.* You people are doing what terrorists and the administration want. You're cowering inside and voluntarily living in fear. At least you're providing us with something to laugh at though. Thanks.
10 - Richard Porter
When the Government does not publish findings then they are being secretive and hiding something.
When they do publish their findings to show what they are doing to help combat terrorism then they are being careless.
It seems they cannot win with you. But guess what? They do not win with you, they have to win for you.
11 - Victor Plenty
It's healthier to confront terrorism with humor than to cower behind overwrought hand-wringing phrases like "too horrifying to even contemplate."
Be angry all you want, but it won't help solve the core problem of terrorism, which is that the worst wounds ever suffered by terrorists' targets are the self-inflicted wounds.
Terrorists have no real power except what we hand over to them. Free societies are resilient enough to shrug off the worst attacks any evil genius could possibly dream up -- if we hold fast to the central values that make us free societies.
The attacks of September 11 2001 are a prime example. The worst terror attack the world has ever seen, and the feeble bastards who did it fell short of killing 3000 people, in a nation of nearly 300 million. This tells me al-Qaida never will be a serious threat to the survival of our nation.
We lose more people every month in traffic accidents on our nation's highways than we have lost to al-Qaida in all the terror attacks they have ever hit us with, across the world over more than a decade since they decided they were at war with us.
What we really lost on September 11 was not our security. Al-Qaida remains powerless to destroy the United States, no matter how much they may hope and wish to do so. What we lost was our illusionary belief that terror attacks always happen somewhere else. If al-Qaida hadn't done that, someone else eventually would have. The vast majority of the damage springing from that dark day was inflicted on us by our own actions.
Al-Qaida did not force travelers to cancel their travel plans and spiral our country's major airlines into bankruptcy courts. We did that to ourselves, because we allowed ourselves to be ruled by irrational fear.
Al-Qaida did not force Western tourists to stay away from Bali after bombing one nightclub. We did that ourselves, because we allowed ourselves to be ruled by irrational fear.
I make no apologies for the evil bastards behind the September 11 attacks or any other terror act. We're all better off if they are stopped before they carry out their plans. Osama bin Laden and all his allies deserve nothing more than to live as hunted fugitives until the day they are all caught or killed.
My point is that these pathetic sick fools would have far less power to terrorize us if we would more steadfastly refuse to terrorize ourselves.
If we can increase our resilience by contemplating and confronting the worst scenarios we can imagine, I'm all in favor of that. So I disagree with the premise of copygodd's humor, even though I agree with using humor as a healthier response to terrorism than fear.
The worst danger is not that we might give new ideas to the terrorists. The worst danger is that we might let our fear stop us from having new ideas ourselves.
12 - copygodd
richard, i never said that by not publishing things like this the government was being "secretive and hiding something". nor did i say that by publishing things like this they were being "careless". i simply said i don't see the need, or the reason, for publishing these particular findings.
i know they're working on these scenarios. you know they're working on these scenarios. the terrorists know they're working on these scenarios. so again, what's the point of continually telling us they're working on these scenarios? to scare people? to pat themselves on the back?
if someone can explain to me why they feel the need to tell us how many people will be killed in each type of terrorist attack, i'm all ears.
13 - Richard Porter
For the most part, it appears we are in agreement. Since I live not far from where the towers fell, 3000 people, 300 people or 3 million people, the numbers really do not matter. Remember this, on that day the hospitals waited with full staffs to treat the wounded and yet it was probably one of their slowest days. The numbers really do not matter and I, like you, believe the United States will be successful in their war with terrorism.
14 - Dave Nalle
Richard:
If we can't laugh in the face of horror then we're truly doomed.
Dave
15 - Richard Porter
Dave
Regarding this issue, I wish I could feel the same way (for now). Hopefully, as it is said, time will heal these wounds.
16 - Steve S
The post talks about helping Osama further his ideology but in a satirical way.
Since his ideology is terror and grief, it's irony that it is within the comments that Osama could find an achievement of his agenda.
Kudos copygodd, it's a good post that shows people you aren't living in fear.
17 - Tristan
Reactionary Terrorists suck!
That's what the present neo-con fascist pseudo-religious administration is doing: REACTING ..........
Where is the effective PRO-ACTIVE policy-making and TRUE LEADERSHIP this country used to have ~~~
Not only are we the laughing stock of the entire globe right now~~~
for almost EVERTHING we have been aTTEMPTING (and never accomplishing---starting with being unable to catch the #! most wanted terrorist in the earth for THREE YEARS now~~~
but we are creating and implementing a policy to "deal" with terrorism--that not only has not a chance of a snowball in hell of "defeating" terrorism---but is doing exactly the OPPOSITE: we are creating new terrorists faster than we can count them~~!!!!
WHY is there TERRORISM ..........???
just because there are horrible hating people in the world that just wnat to kill millions and themselves in the process ...???? Taht makes NO SENSE if you will simply stop a second and think about it!
POVERTY and HOPELESSNEE and INJUSTIC is the CAUSE of Terrorism-----
The only real way to defeat and eradicate "terrorism" is to remove the root causes of it.............
THIS solution is one that the right wing capitalist corporate regime will NEVER entertain because it entails redistributing the wealth of the world so that there are no longer a few thousand Ultra-Rich Ultra-Elite families running and directing the world's major Corporations----and appropriating some of those financial resources to the areas of the world that have little or no food, little or no health care, and little or no HOPE ...... THIS is what creates TERRORISM!!!!!!
18 - Victor Plenty
Redistributing wealth will not be enough. Poverty and hopelessness are among the root causes of terrorism, but throwing money at poverty will not solve the root causes of poverty. Many people are poor because they not only lack wealth, they also lack the institutions and culture that would let them build and retain wealth if they had any.
A handful of economists have started to show us how we can resolve the root causes of poverty and hopelessness. These include Jeffrey Sachs in the Western world, and Muhammad Yunus in Bangladesh (founder of the highly successful Grameen Bank development effort).
Such steps could reduce the future recruiting pool for the terrorists, but at the same time, we must also deal with those who have already made the decision to become terrorists. There is no excuse for such acts. People who actively participate in terror acts must be brought down with all available legal and military force.
19 - Steve S
I agree with the concept that poverty and injustice breed terrorism and these are key elements to defeating it, however what you are overlooking is that those in poverty over there would technically be wanting to kill those with money over there, but they come over here instead.
20 - geo
"New" ideas to someone not acquinted with terrorism. Any terrorist, Mossad, KGB and CIA operative worth his/her salt would be well versed. Gee, I wonder who the idiot was that plagerized a pile of known scenarios and tried to pass them off as original thought.
21 - Mango
Wow.
It appears as though some people are still living in some paranoid alternate universe.
Yes, terrorists CAN attack. They've proved that. However, the US military CAN attack, too.
Everyone can attack everyone.
You can't stop everything.
You can't be afraid of everything.
Some drunk can hop into his car and run you over in the middle of the parking lot. Does that mean that I should get angry anytime someone makes a drunk driving joke?
I'm fairly certain that copygodd was joking. In fact, his site calls it a "satirical look at serious issues".
Maybe satire isn't your thing?
But, Jeez.
"Try supporting the President and the forces of good"
Forces of good. That's funny.
Remember, good is a relative term. Outside of the US, you'd be hard-pressed to find anyone describe the current administration as the "force of good".
22 - RJ
The report was never meant to be made public. Someone in Hawaii goofed, and the NYT picked it up...
23 - RJ
"POVERTY and HOPELESSNEE [sic] and INJUSTIC [sic] is the CAUSE of Terrorism"
Then why aren't the impoverished Bolivians or the starving, oppressed people from Zimbabwe attacking us?
24 - ed adkins
you know the best defense against terrorism?
comically narrow world views pushed ridiculously right or left, void of all humor or enlightenment.
wasn't it hoover who said our greatest strength is in our simplistic masses, with egos inflated by radio show hosts and evening news soundbits? something like that, i saw it in readers digest.
anyway, its obvious copygod is a threat to our future as a nation. my suggestion is we get rid of him- that way we caould get so humorless the terrorists will lose interest since picking on us wont be fun anymore.
25 - Genuine
Sorry Ed we don't have the budget for copygodd's demise. I say we just beat the shit out of him! We'll show those terrorists who is boss.