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Sci-Fi Channel Original Review: Rock Monster

In another one of those remote small towns that conveniently can’t get a cell phone signal, is isolated from the rest of the world, and has some ancient legend that could destroy them all, there’s this monster. Well, it was a wizard who, for some inexplicable reason, turned into rocks when he was killed a while back. Now, he’s back in rock form looking to munch on people because apparently his digestive tract still works.

Rock Monster has a visiting college kid (played by Chad Collins) pulling a sword from a piece of foam… err, painted foam… no, wait… a rock. That sword just happened to be keeping that wizard guy dead. Going into the nearby town with it, the locals, knowing what has happened, become terrified at the sight of the sword.

Now, never mind the fact that this sword has been there for a few centuries and no one else passing by seemed to take notice even though it rests about ten feet from a road. Oh, and for all of the danger surrounding it, you would think someone would have put up a fence or a sign to prevent said disaster.

These people obviously aren’t very smart, but thankfully they’re well armed. In a town of about 50 people, their single-man army owns a tank, rocket launcher, and more guns than seen in all four Rambo movies put together. The Colonel, played by Jon Polito, is ripped right out of a ‘50s sci-fi creature feature, hamming it up with an impossible-to-decipher gravelly voice and accent, believing firepower can take down anything.

Loads of action, a decent sense of humor, and somewhat above average effects at least make Rock Monster bearable. The monster looks and moves like a low rent Transformer, with the ability to apparently camouflage itself as needed, though not when in danger. Gore is minor compared to other Sci-Fi Channel schlock fests, though there is a decent head-eating when the token black guy tries to escape (even though he obviously isn’t going anywhere due to a lack of transportation).

A false ending in the middle is beyond stupid. The town celebrates after the beast is destroyed, yet the sword is still in the possession of Chad Collins. So, if the sword had been laying in the rocks and keeping the wizard guy dead, what could possibly make them think keeping the sword is a good idea? Way to keep an eye on your town’s legend, people.

Without taking itself too seriously and obviously not trying to be intelligent (one would hope), Rock Monster is an enjoyable low budget mess. For Saturday night TV fare, this one comes in above par, though par is set extremely low. Picking this one apart for all of its idiotic plot points is a blast, and watching the goofy monster get pounded by a tank never stops being stupid entertainment.

About Matt Paprocki

Matt Paprocki has critiqued home media and video games for 13 years. His current passion project is the technically minded DoBlu.com. You can follow Matt's body of work via his personal WordPress blog, and follow him on Twitter @Matt_Paprocki.
  • Zarina

    LOL!!! Your review was more entertaining than the movie! :D

  • Shiraziel

    I passed on watching “Rock Monster”, but your review was hysterical! This movie sounds like it could have easily been one to be ridiculed on the old Mystery Science Theatre 3000… and I think you would have been the perfect viewer/reviewer to have trashed it along with Crow T Robot and Tom Servo! Kudos!