What is a person to do when they’re looking for a nice ski resort vacation? You decide to write or direct a movie located at your favorite spot. At least, that’s apparently what Tibor Takacs wanted with Ice Spiders, a by the numbers schlock fest that could only come about by the geniuses at the Sci-Fi Channel.
How many clichés does Ice Spiders hit? About 10:
1. Genetic experiment
2. Enlarged insects
3. Dumb teenagers
4. Government cover up
5. Stock footage
6. Mad scientist
7. Completely untrained “special forces”
8. School bus held hostage by creatures
9. Awful special effects, both computer generated and practical
10. Loads of gore to mask all the above, albeit unsuccessfully
Yes, Ice Spiders is as bad as you’d expect. The dialogue is as painful as anything else here, littered with cheap “surfer” dialogue, and the most ridiculous explanation for the government to create the threat you’ve ever heard.
As the ski resort begins to lose members, it takes a drastically long amount of time for anyone to figure out there’s a problem. The huge lot of six (yes, only six) overgrown spiders do their best to take down the idiotic residents who could probably take one of the arachnids down with a few punches. Why the government chose a populated and popular vacation spot to host their experiment only adds to the ridiculousness.
Vanessa Williams, well, not that Vanessa Williams but the daughter of that Vanessa Williams, stars as the scientist fed up with the experiment she’s been involved with for an unknown amount of time. Putting the spiders in the snow doesn’t lead to any inventive means of death fort the vacationers, and in the end, only leads to more screen time invested in the explanation for why these things exist in the first place.
If anything, Ice Spiders does move along briskly, and attacks are frequent. Gore is high, and the body count right in the range it should be in a movie like this. Unfortunately, you’ll need to deal with a script that doesn’t do anything new, painful conversations between characters, and the worst government cover up you’ll ever find on screen.