You don’t start watching a Sci-Fi Channel flick and expect to see something new. This time out, with Attack of the Sabretooth, they gave us that something: new movie rules. It’s not going to revolutionize horror movies, but it does present new ways for idiotic, no name characters to die.
Rule 1: Never, ever chase your porno magazine computer-generated centerfold into the DNA cloned sabretooth pen… ever. You will be killed, and harshly at that. Don’t try to come crawling back to close the pen’s gate either. You’ve already ruined the premiere party for the guy trying to make a park out nothing but sabretooth tigers because he wasn’t smart enough to clone a T-Rex.
Rule 2: Come up with a reasonable slogan for your attraction, Primal Park. “Genetic miracles: Reasonably priced” is not going to attract visitors. “Death dealing cats from the past” will. You don’t have to be a marketing expert to figure that out.
Rule 3: If your college chums send you on a cheap scavenger hunt to a remote island housing sabretooth cats, decline immediately. In fact, find a new school and friends while you’re at it. If not, you will be dismembered.
Rule 4: If you’re the Goth girl, you will survive. The Goth girl always survives.
Rule 5: Don’t have sex with the new girl named Sharona in the gift shop. Karma will come back to kill you when you use the obvious song reference as a pick-up line, usually in the form of brutal decapitation. You don’t even want to know what happens to Sharona.
Rule 6: The death of the park owner will always be foretold with the worst special effects sequence possible. If you see the CGI from 1989, you’re screwed.
Rule 7: If you stumble on sabretooth fetuses made from Play-doh, it’s time to get the hell out of there. Screw the scavenger hunt.
Rule 8: If the sabretooth attacks you, it’s likely due to your own stupidity. Try to avoid jumping into a freezer and locking yourself in for safety however. If you’re looking for a Darwin Award though, that’s a shoe-in.
Rule 9: You’re the only heat source a sabretooth will pick up on. Please be aware of that at all times.
Rule 10: Computers will always let you know if there has been a “total system failure” by flashing those words over a Matrix code crawl. It’s how they’re designed, duh. It should also tell you that a sabretooth rampage is occuring. Misinterpeting that could be costly.
Rule 11: Spelling sabertooth like sabretooth is cool because it’s different. It’s also cool to write to your friends and tell them you survived a sabretooth attack. It’s much more impressive than outmanuevering a sabertooth.
If all else fails, you can always pretend you’re in a rehash made from the leftovers of the previous Sabretooth film. Of course, no one is going to notice the cheap animatronic prop covered with a carpet bought at Wal-Mart is exactly the same. They have better things to do. At least, we all hope they do.