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Schwarzenegger and the JFK assassination

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Arnold’s failure to have publicly explained and proved his whereabouts on November 22, 1963 is sufficient to prove his involvement in the JFK assassination to anyone who isn’t too stupid to believe it. Added to rumors that Arnold was once at LAX at the same time as a former CIA agent and once shook hands with Ivan Boesky outside the Westwood Fatburger, this makes it obvious that Arnold is the devil. Only those pinheads who watch Fox News are too dumb to get it, because they don’t get any–they’re loser Republicans.

Arnold must have done it. He hasn’t specifically denied that Lee Harvey Oswald was his patsy, so the evidence is strong that he was the brawn behind the crime of the century. He couldn’t be the brains, because he is a Republican, and all Republicans are stupid and watch Fox News.

Craig Malice, a former government investigator because investigators who can hold down real jobs tend to shy away from these types of stories, uncrumpled a few cocktail napkins and waxed pathetic:

Forget about all the previous last minute smears, let’s talk about who was smearing whom and with what inside that window in the Texas Schoolbook Depository. It’s wasn’t your daddy’s Miracle Whip, let me tell you. And Arnold watches Fox News. Now where’s my gin?

Did you think Arnold married Maria Shriver out of love? Lust? Ha! He’s a Republican! He obviously married her, now that we have this new evidence, as part of a clever ploy to take attention away from his role in the assassination. Isn’t it obvious? Of course it is, because how clever could it be? He’s a Republican!

Think about it! “Ich bin ein Berliner.” By accidentally claiming to be a breakfast treat, JFK was expressing his solidarity with the beleaguered people of West Berlin. But because Arnold is evil, like all Republicans, he must have thought that JFK’s help to West Berlin would prevent the Fourth Reich from ever forming, thereby dashing the hopes of Arnold and the sinister cabal of Drudge Report readers who control him from ever realizing their ambitions of world domination–retroactively, I think. I mean you’d have to be pretty stupid if you don’t agree with everything I write, even when I contradict myself.

Does the timing suck? Yes, for Arnold and the evil people who don’t want cheap dirty tricks to work. And I’ll agree that it sucks as part of a clever effort to disguise my true feelings and motivations.

Don’t expect to see this story on–you guessed it–Fox News, as they don’t have my standards. Stupidheads.

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About Chris Arabia

  • Eric Olsen

    It’s all clear to me now.

  • Oh yeah–there’s also a story coming out that he’s been driving around with a trunk full of Florida 2000 Election ballots.

  • Oh yeah–there’s also a story coming out that he’s been driving around with a trunk full of missing Florida 2000 Election ballots.

  • Eric Olsen

    The body builders are pissed too – he used them as a stepping stone (cue Monkees)

  • Hey, it worked for Rumsfeld and WMDs so why not here?

  • Paul

    Actually, Arnold has all the WMD’s buried at his California estate.

    I think we also need to look into his role in the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand. He is Austrian, after all, and the offing of the heir to the Hapsburg throne would provide him with the opportunity to assume the Emperorship for himself. He probably started World War I to distract people from his Machiavellian machinations,

  • With Thanksgiving and the California election around the corner it is time to pause and be thankful. Only in America could an actor-musclehead-immigrant who can barely speak english become governor or even president. Some have alleged that Arnold admired Hitler, and all this by a man who’s name begins with Swartz!

  • Dawn

    That was a cheeky little piece. Glad to see at least one of the dymanic duo has a sense of humor, that’s actually funny.

  • Great satire

  • this report would have included rumors about the alleged incident in which arnold was rude to a customer service rep from the discover card, were i to use the LA Times’ journalistic standards, but i don’t, so expect more on this in about 3 weeks.

  • Alas, but that there isn’t more time to find a corroborating source on the lead that Arnold “liberated” two “suitcase nukes” from one of his recent movie sets!

    Thanks, Chris, this is pretty funny.

  • he was only 16

  • Outstanding humor, Chris. Did you notice that Flemming’s got a post seriously intending to tie Arnold to Enron? Jebus.

  • That damn grassy knoll!

  • Arnold isn’t Arnold, he’s me.

  • Jeannie

    what does maria say about this?

  • Very little. She is a good, submissive Kennedy woman.

  • And getting elected governor was pretty good cover, too. What all good assasins know: hide in obvious places. Can you eeemageeen dat.

    “I’ll be back.”

  • johnny

    that’s the stupidest thing i’ve ever read. who would actually think that arnold would assassinate a president. i’ll tell you who, a moron.

  • Eric Olsen

    Who would actually think this story is not satire? Answer above.

  • johnny

    I can tell you where arnold was on November 22, 1963. He was still in austria where he was born. idiot

  • prove it, johnny or paul or whatever your name is.