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Schindlers: Terri is Telepathic

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Terri hypnotizes her mom In a shocking revelation, Bob and Mary Schindler announced today that they have been communicating with their daughter for years via mental telepathy. They also contend that Terri can telepathically levitate objects across the room, an ability also known as telekinesis. That power is less developed than her other skills.

“How can you kill a telepathic human being?” her mother asked. “Why won’t doctors tell everyone she can talk to us? She talks to us daily. Her voice echos in our heads.”

“Her favorite thing is the balloon,” Bob Schindler stated. “She floated it across the room and back. The whole time she was tellin’ us ‘Weeeeee’.”

Terri’s husband, Michael Schiavo, insists Terri can only telepathically groan, moan and make other random noises. He has also accused the Schindlers of using a string, or perhaps static electricity, to move Terri’s balloon around.

Hospice staff however, speaking anonymously, acknowledged that Schiavo has been “speaking” to them for years.

“She’s a total bitch,” said one nurse who would only give us the name “Betty.”

“She nags constantly and is very demanding. Plus, if you look in her in the eyes she’ll hypnotize you! She can make you do stuff! If I could get close enough without her taking over my brain, I would kill her myself.”

Another nurse, who wished to remain nameless, alleges Schiavo mentally forced the woman to touch her inappropriately on several occasions. She is considering filing suit in civil court. Both nurses alleged that Schiavo has been telepathically tormenting her husband for years with brutal and obscene tirades within “earshot of the whole staff.”

“It really is humiliating for him,” they said. “Who can blame him for wanting her to die?”

Specialists in telepathy, mind control and telekinesis have testified that the best way to defeat the psychic terror is to slowly starve and dehydrate her. One went so far as to suggest driving a stake through her heart once she appeared to expire.

Protesters outside of Schiavo’s room had mixed reactions.

“Dude, that is so freakin’ awesome. How could they kill her? You wouldn’t kill Professor X would you? It’s crazy!” said one man. An older woman carrying a large Bible thought the news over and decided maybe Terri Schiavo should be killed.

“She’s a witch. That’s a sin,” the woman said as she stooped to pick some stoning rocks.

[This article originally appeared at Tinfoil Hat Pundit]

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About a-[e]

  • P. Stocks

    Is a-[e] 12 years old? Not funny to make light of a life or death situation. No matter what side of the fence you sit on with this issue, it should not be taken lightly. How would a-[e] feel if this was someone in their family? I would not wish this for anyone.

  • A satire placed in the headline or at the beginning of excerpt would work wonders.

  • Temple: A headline satire disclaimer? Were you really tricked into thinking it Terri is telepathic?

  • Tristan

    Oh NO! richard porter will be here any second with his bashing attacks too!!!

    and I happened to notice that this post is placed under the title:

    “Culture/Tech: Humor and Satire” ~~

    So would that maybe satisfy the mentioned question of labeling it satire…???

    p. stocks—- are you an employee of Michael Powell by the way–???
    heh …heh …….. (maybe his REPLACEMENT!)

    Have you never listened to a monoloque by Leno, Letterman, Conan …????
    This IS the United States—we DO make satire of many things– life & death included……


  • bhw

    It’s categorized under humor and satire, which should be enough, if the text itself isn’t [and I think it is].

    I’d hate to have to put humor alerts on all the satire posted here, especially since we have a category that tells the story.

  • P. Stocks

    Culture/Tech:Humor & Satire is only one of the categories this was listed under. I also know when it is appropriate to lighten up and when it is not. Everyone has the right to say what they want, I just said it was not funny and stand by that. If anything even remotely like this happened to someone you know, your tune would change. I just hope I am talking to adults here, otherwise my words are wasted.

  • This is extraordinarily not funny, but nonetheless, I picked up that it was satire from the first few lines.

    That said, it’s obvious that the writer has fairly strong skills in setting up a story, but in this case a very not funny one.

  • P. Stocks: No, I’m not 12. Thanks for asking, though. Humor is subjective, which is why I didn’t reply to your first comment. I don’t mind if you think it isn’t funny. I don’t mind that told everyone as much. I think it is funny.

    “If anything even remotely like this happened to someone you know, your tune would change.”

    I’m not sure how you could assert that given the fact that you don’t know me. People deal with things in many ways. Some people do it with laughter and “inappropriate” comments. Who are you to judge?

  • Actually, it really is very funny, in that “I’m going to hell” kind of way. You did this just right, a-[e] (whatever that means.) It’s both wrong and very funny, mostly because it’s so ludicrously over the top. Had you not taken it all the way, this would have been a fantastically disgusting failure. Bravo.

    I imagine you’re going to get a lot of very negative comments pretty quickly . . . the more reactionary folks out there are going to have a very hard time seeing any humor value in this.

  • I don’t think the author here was intentionally trying to disrespect anyone in this situation. I feel this fake news article was more about how the media has been masturbating over this story covering it from each and every single angle until we all start dreaming about feeding tubes.

    It’s almost saying — what’s next? Where can CNN take this story now? After all, good comedy comes from those who take risks.

  • Good point about the headline – nevermind.

    What possessed you to want to write this …. anyway?

  • i got it.

    and i found it funny, as tom said, in a “you are so going to hell” sort of way.

    of course, considering my track record on humor around here lately, a-[e], i don’t know if my siding with you on this one is helpful or not.

  • Tom, Z, copygodd & anyone else who gets it: Thanks! I’d comment more but I’m a little pressed for time. I have an evening appt.

    copygodd: I’d rather be grouped you than anyone that would see your endorsement as a bad thing.

    Temple: The headline popped into my head and I followed just it…

  • Tristan

    Iam sooooo sick of seeing the name “Terri Schiav” every fucking place on earth the last few days!
    It’s getting nauseous–give me a fucking BREAK!
    It’s one brain-dead corpse kept alive by artificial means–period! BIG fucking DEAL!
    Do we see all this about the hundreds of thousands starving in Somalia, Eithiopia, the Congo, Sudan, and everywhere else in the world????
    What kind of “priorities” do these media organizations HAVE????
    I thought this article was one of the funniest I’ve ever seen anywhere on here!!!!!
    And for those “judging” it and the author~~~when do you want to start the BOOK-BURNING again~~~????????
    What is WRONG with this society!

  • Dawn

    Well, I would have to say that it was pretty obvious satire – I mean look at that crude photoshopping.

    Also very funny – and immature.

    My favorite kind of funny.

  • Tristan, perhaps you’re unfamiliar with the site. If you post to a site called BlogCRITICS.org and expect no judgment, well you’re a fool. I don’t think ae was that naive and (s)he took it well.

    Hopefully the criticism is constructive. Now you being a whining bitch about seeing the name Schiavo around proves you are a moron.

    It is one of the few saturated coverage things we’ve done here that I think matters. People can earn an awful lot about themselves, their families, and life and death.

    If you’re tired of seeing the name Schiavo everywhere – well, that’s what a good book is for. In you’re case you’ll be following the adventures of Dick and Jane and Spot.

    There. I hope you’re still laughing. I had fun. TTFN.

    PS If we had a post about the starving in Ethiopa, would you be as entertained with a post such as this? Or probably more right?

  • I thought it was very funny, and I had no trouble picking up that it’s satire.

    Someone commented earlier that your post was childish, but everyone associated with the issue is behaving childishly. Why shouldn’t you parodize it in a childish manner?

    I think it would’ve been stronger without the photo shopped image, though. I thought it was too blatant, and it took away from the (more) subtle approach of the rest of the article. Just me.


  • If you couldn’t tell this was satire I’ll add you to my growing list of people I’ll euthanize when I rule the world.

    This is one of the few posts on this topic that hasn’t irritated me, so the author gets to live – for now.


  • Eric Olsen

    thanks and welcome a-[e] (very difficult series of symbols to remember)! This is called black humor and in real life it almost inevitably arises under the most dire and pressure-filled circumstances, performing a critical biological and psychological function.

    I thought the story was very clever, funny and had an underlying humanity that made it obvious as satire – that and the subcategory heading.

    People have taunted death since prehistory as a defense mechanism – that’s what this is really about.

    The author lives to tell another tale – I’m in agreement with Dave

  • Kestrel

    Ha ha ha!!!!
    Thank you!

  • Tristan


    I’d be embarrassed to have my name/nik under this site as an “editor” if I was you STARK—re-read your horribly written and poorly spelled note above to me which made absolutely no sense whatsoever; sounded like you were either drunk or under the HEAVY influence of some narcotic or “something” — crack ???

    Please, in the future–so you don’t embarrass Eric—-
    do try to be a bit more cogent & cognitive and perhaps make a 1/2 hearted attempt to be a little tiny bit concise and make a POINT—since this “is a major news source now”–
    and maybe learn how to use your SPELLCHECK—-it helps, eh???

  • Dawn

    Comments are exempt from people bitching about spelling and such, unless you are an anal-retentive uptight sphincter.

  • Especially when 99% of us are, at the least, occasional offenders.

  • Tristan

    Dawn: can’t recognize sarcasm when it hits you in the puss???

    it was a tiny little thorn in eric’s side where he mentions about trying to keep your posts gramattically correct and spellcheck, etc., ………

    you’d think nobody on these blogs tales themself very “seriously”, eh ???

    adn to thnk that sum ppl rlly don’ even chek ther post aftr they rite it to cee if they spelt evrythng rite !!!!!!

    Whorers !!!!!! or is that horrors ….

  • Dawn

    Hmmm…why would anyone assume that was sarcasm?

    And when did posts become comments?

    Me thinks who may actually be smoking the crack around here…*hint* starts with T and ends with N.

  • Tristan

    As stated: it helps to have SOME sense of humor around here—not that many exhibit ~~

    awwww dawn—have YOU been smoking that crack AGAIN …!!!!

    “when did posts become comments” …?????????
    that has to be one of the most abject sophist statements I’ve heard in my 51 years………..

  • Dawn

    Are you telling me that there is zero difference between the time and effort it takes to write, edit and research a post, and leaving a brief comment on a post?

    Um, I am sure most bloggers would tell you that they don’t spend the same amount of time editing their flipping comments as they do posts.

    My sense of humor is fine, you Tristan, just happen to not be amusing in the slightest.

  • Two for the price of one sale now! Get your abject sophistry over here!

    Dawn, you’re on a roll lately. I’m loving having the old Dawn back — keep it up!

    And don’t mind t[r]i[s]t[a]n, he like to stir up trouble. You should get along famously. 🙂

  • Tristan

    I see I have touched a little raw nerve with Dawn !

    Awwwww …poor little baby~~~

    don’t get your diapers all bunched up please…

  • Dawn

    You keep thinking that there old man, just keep thinking that.

  • Tristan — If you ever want to be taken seriously (even while having fun) you might not want to act like an eight-year old on the school yard.

  • Dawn

    Yes Eric B, I have even seen the Great Eric O. make a grammatical foible, therefore I know there is room on earth for us lesser beings too 🙂

  • Tristan


    and YOUR post is the epitomy of maturity?

    (an 8 year old in a schoolyard – that’s the height of your lireacy you care to show the viewing public..???)

  • Just some friendly advice, T — you can take it or shove it: up to you.

  • Tristan

    Eric-don’t be childish!

    Do you have anything pertinent to the topic or constructive to say—
    or are you only looking to fight someone, as that’s entirely what it obviously appears with a comment like that–

    now THAT sounds exactly like what an undisciplined spoiled little 8 year old brat-bully on a playground wout spit out
    with no thought or rationale:
    “take it or shove it”—
    yes; your well-thought-out comments leave not much room for interpretation of your motivating premise and inner misery.

  • Guys, T is obviously off his meds.

  • Phillip – You’re cracking me up today.

    As Homer Simpson would say, “It’s funny because it’s true.”

  • I’m afraid Tristan just lost his job at the video store for sticking pornos in the kiddy section again and now has more time to post here, so we all just have to clench our jaws and bear it.


  • Tristan

    Winn is definitely out of thoughts , as usual, so he now reverts to re-saying something he said before that nobody thought was “clever” the 1st time; but obviously he gets a kick out his own stuff!

  • I said something about Tirisitian’s meds before? Really?

  • Tristan

    Nalle has stooped so low as to try to accuse me of being a PEDOPHILE…

    That’s a very serious statement you just made and you will have to bear the consequences of it!

    Totally uncalled for and libelous–
    not part of blogging or anything allowable on a free forum.

    Eric Olsen~~~you need to speak with this person and get real with him. the entire site is vulnerable to a lawsuit ove Nalle accusing an individual on here of being a pedophile.


  • Tristan, you seriously need to get a grip. I don’t understand what you think you’re achieving with this behavior.


  • Tristan

    Nalle calling me a PEDOPHILE:

    Nalle’s statement #38 crossed over the line into a very hazardous legal position for BlogCritics;

    It is NOT “allright” to accuse someone you don’t like– of being a PEDOPHILE—
    this was not only stupid and devoid of any class or good taste, but is legally grounds for LIBEL.

  • Tristan, I think we’ve had enough. Consider this your official warning: take the rest of the day off, and come back tomorrow acting a bit more like someone with whom people might want to interact.

  • Actually, I accused you of working in a video store and deliberately mis-shelving videos and getting fired for it. It was a joke. You’ve heard of those, right?


  • Dave, don’t ask questions Tristan can’t answer without getting himself banned, please.

  • Tristan

    Nalle accused me of being a PEDOPHILE.

    Now you’re going to try to LIE about it?

    After YOU sent it in here for everybody in the internet and world to SEE???

    Here’s your actual statement Nalle:

    “Comment 38 posted by Dave Nalle on March 23, 2005 03:22 PM:

    I’m afraid Tristan just lost his job at the video store for sticking pornos in the kiddy section again .


    what did you say you said?
    Care to lie again?

  • I’m just ignoring him now, Philip. At least I seem to have gotten him to leave Dawn alone.


  • Someone seems to have misunderstood the “Leaderboard” listings to mean that gaining position number one is equivalent to posting meaningful opinions and reactions to reviews.

    I suspect Thristian’s typographical hot air is mostly motivated by his desire to strengthen his numbers. What this says about his life outside BlogCritics is up for anyone’s guess – Dave Nalle’s joking is no more libelous than is a-[e]’s satirical post.

  • I think this is what is generally known as “Hateful Asshole Humor.”

  • Eric Olsen

    see #19 – as I recently said, arguing funny is like arguing favorite colors: either you think it is or you don’t

  • a-[e] — “hateful asshole humor.”
    copygodd — “traitorous sarcasm.”

    you like us, you really like us! 😉

  • Taloran

    I can only imagine what the people complaining about the content of this post would have said had they lived in England when Jonathan Swift wrote his “A Modest Proposal.”

    Satirical writings have historically been misunderstood by the masses and denigrated by those who have differing agendas or viewpoints.

  • I think they do Nobel prize nominated Dr. copygodd. I think they do.

    Eric O: Agreed. And thanks for your comment earlier.

  • Black Unikorn

    another day~~~! How glorious..
    The Supreme court totally refused to get involved in this case and has let it stand………
    Although Jeb Bush is seeking some way to get his dirty little fingers in it again b-4 Terri is allowed to pass on in peace.

    Seems a shame that the politicos are using this as sport to keep their names in the media~

  • Tristan

    (sorry–forgot to update the former Blackunikorn thingie!)—

    Governor Bush will probably attempt to “storm” the hospice (ala-the Elian Gonzalez case!!!)—

    and “save” poor Terri ………….

  • Wow, you children flame worse than a bunch of linux users fighting over which distro is the best (it’s Slackware, btw).

    To the point: this IS funny. It is the definition of satire and a-[e] did one hell of a job.

    As for the actual situation surronding that poor brain dead woman in Florida, I don’t know all the details, but I do know that Congress and that assclown in the White House have no business in the matter. I happen to think a decision like that should be left to the spouse. But that’s just my opinion.

    And for all of you who want to make a big deal about this one woman, don’t forget that there are thousands of people in conditions similar Terri in hospitals around the US.

    One last thing, if they do decide to be merciful and let her die, starving her until she dies is cruel and inhuman.

    I’m out.

  • Eric Olsen

    no, you’re “Hot”

    this — meaning the Schiavo affair — has been one charged psycho-political drama, has it not?

  • Wonder which network will be the first to try a mini-series about this. Fox? Who do you think will sell their story? My guess is that the mother or sister will cash in first.

  • Eric Olsen

    but YOU seem to be the only member of the media who knows about the telepathy, a-[e]

  • Just tell us Meredith Baxter Birney won’t get the lead role.

  • Meredith Baxter Birney? Didn’t they pull the feeding tube on her career a while ago?

    Eric: True..I’ve been fending off news and network execs with a point stick every since this was posted. I’m holding out a Hallmark Hall of Fame presentation movie.

  • Meredith Baxter Birney? Didn’t they pull the feeding tube on her career a while ago?

    Yes, it’s been a slow starvation. She was the mother of a young Republican on tv, remember? Apparently there was a conspiracy when they pulled the plug on her career. DeLay has a press conference at 4.

  • Hahahaha..

    Gotta love people with rods up their asses – it’s sheer comedy.

  • Eric Olsen

    a-[e], this project veritably screams Oxygen

  • Oooooh. Good call Eric. I hadn’t even thought of that. In that case, we might have to resurrect Baxter-Birney after all.

  • I thought of her because a Hallmark Presentation on Lifetime came to mind. Oxygen is just as good.

    Even though they pulled the plug on her years ago, every so often they insert a Hallmark feeding tube for just a while to keep her hanging on. Bastards, aren’t they?

  • Oy vey! I’m glad I don’t usually bother to read most of the comments on this site. (Unless they’re attached to my reviews, that is!)

    I did a search on Meredith because I wasn’t sure if I was remembering the right person. That’s how I found out she’s started her own line of skin care products. I’m pretty sure that she won’t be waiting for the call from Lifetime now.


  • Taloran — How can you even BEGIN to compare a-[e]’s shitty little piece to Swift? You ought to be have your nuts stapled to the rear bumper of a cross-country Greyhound for even THINKING of the two of them at the same time.

  • ” How can you even BEGIN to compare a-[e]’s shitty little piece to Swift? You ought to be have your nuts stapled to the rear bumper of a cross-country Greyhound for even THINKING of the two of them at the same time.”

    Rodney, you’re hysterical. You missed the point of Taloran’s comment completely. He wasn’t comparing my “shitty little piece to Swift.” Taloran was pointing out that:

    “Satirical writings have historically been misunderstood by the masses and denigrated by those who have differing agendas or viewpoints.”

    He was talking about missing the point. Thanks for the demonstration, though. Good job! Given that it is now completely obvious that your reading comprehension skills fall somewhere in the low to non-existent range, I’ll forget about your “Hateful Asshole Humor” comment.

    Thanks for the laugh.

  • Too often we forget that in many people the humor gland has atrophied to make room for the invasive self-righteousness tumor.


  • a-[e] — It’s beyond hilarious that you have to rise to the occasion of defending Taloran’s defense of you, in which you further underscore how silly it is to compare you to Jonathan Swift in the first place. See, the problem with you, as ALL of the above comments indicate, isn’t that you’re “misunderstood by the masses,” but that you’re understood completely. People see through you. They see how shallow and stupid you are — unless of course they are borderline illiterates like Taloran, who mistake a hateful asshole for a genius.

  • “you further underscore how silly it is to compare you to Jonathan Swift in the first place”

    Rodney, You continue to miss the point of both of our comments. He wasn’t comparing my piece to Swift’s. He classing them both as satire. It wasn’t a statement about quality at all. I understand that it is very difficult for you to make the distinction. Perhaps you should get your mom or an older sibling to read the comments to you and explain them. If your family also has reading problems, maybe you could have a neighbor or your teacher to help you. You should probably get someone with at least a high school education. Then, you can stop making an ass out of yourself…maybe.

    “They see how shallow and stupid you are — unless of course they are borderline illiterates like Taloran, who mistake a hateful asshole for a genius.”

    I don’t think anyone, including myself, are calling me a genius or thinking that my piece about Terri’s telepathic abilities is of genius quality. Some of us do find it funny though. Don’t like this kind of humor? Well, tough shit. We do. There is a lot of absurdity in the whole Schiavo case that it worth mocking. Don’t see it? I feel sorry for you.

    Rod, the people that are “stupid and shallow” are the self-righteous twits like you that get so horrified by this kind of humor. Personally, I’m sick and tired of all of the shallow, self-righteous “compassion and sensitivity” that assholes like you fake. No one believes you’re a good person just because you don’t like this piece. It’s “Hateful Asshole Humor.” What? We’re supposed to be impressed by you? Yeah, I really feel you care, Rodney. You’re such a humanitarian. Shall we nominate you for a Nobel prize?

    You remind me of the blubbering cow I saw interviewed on the news last night about Terri Shiavo. She didn’t know the Schiavos or the Schindlers. She was just one of the religious protesters reminding us that they know what is best for everyone. She was literally sobbing and crying about how it was “all so horrible what they’re doing to poor Terri. It is breaking my heart. Why are they doing this? Waaaaah!” That, Rodney, is “stupid and shallow.” I’m sure you can’t see why though.

  • Eric Olsen

    oh please, this tangent is as pointless as it is ugly: Rodney, come on – you don’t have to like it or think it’s funny or in good taste, but nor do you have to impugn the intelligence, character and/or humanity of those who do.

  • You’re right, Eric — especially now that a-[e] has gone above and beyond the call of duty in doing the job himself. a-[e] revealed himself as a pig in the comments directly above yours, and proceeded to slaughter himself better than I ever could. What a sight. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEE!

  • Eric Olsen

    that’s why I said “this tangent”

  • Tristan

    Dave Nalle hit the bullseye:
    seems someone here has lost his sense of humor and perspective……..

    I had to laugh at Rodney accusing AE of making himself look like a pig and slaughtering himself, when I think Rodney did exactly that himself by ignoring Eric Olsen’s suggestion to stop and then bashed AE again…….. (more stubborn than even me perhaps ..nah!!!! )

    And AE— as noted earlier, I thought your piece quite good. I went and saw your site/blog and finally saw the AE moniker meant Against Everything…
    I was pounding my tiny little addled bald head against my feeding tube trying to grasp what it might symbolize.

    Viva Les Nihilists!

    Long Live The Revolution…………

    Pass the potatos ……..

  • Tristan: Thanks. Glad you liked it. The a-[e] actually stands for anti-[everything]. The brackets + everything are sort of a space-holder for whatever. I think everything should be questioned, though and that nothing is sacred or untouchable just because someone says so.

  • I agree people have lost their sense of humor and perspective. I mean, people take it sooooooooooooo seriously when I compare a-[e] to a pig. Ok, so you don’t think the idea of him wallowing in his own feces is as funny as, say, I do, but I mean, come on, who believes in sacred pigs? A lot of people apparently. It’s apparently okay if a-[e] attacks a brain-damaged woman in Florida, but if he himself is attacked then Eric, Dave, Taloran and Tristan swoop in to throw themselves in front of him. Come on, people, lighten up. Don’t be such a lot of quivering little pussies.

  • Eric Olsen

    my medication prevents quivering

  • Rodney, I think I understand the problem now. Maybe this will help:

    None of those events in my article actually occurred. The statements and opinions voiced in the article are those of fictional characters or are attributed to people that never actually made them. I made it all up in order to poke fun at a serious situation, not to attack Terri Schiavo or her family personally.

    All better now?

  • Rodney, if you read the post again you’ll see that he wasn’t making fun of Terri. All claims about her came from the viewpoints of those around her, the nurses, the people who claimed she was psychic, the guy holding the balloon, etc.

    I thought it was hilarious, but I saw it as satire on the whirlwind that is around her rather than on her specifically.

    She’s a brain dead woman who has all sorts of comical reactions (and painful ones too) surrounding her. This is satire and exaggeration of the reactions around her, because in the post she doesn’t do anything, he makes no claims about her but makes claims about (pokes fun at) what other people believe they see.

    That’s how I read it.

  • What’s funny is that now they’re saying that they have a box that will allow them to hear Schiavo’s thoughts! Reality has matched ridicule.