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Scenes We’d Like To See

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Scene 1: White House Press Corps Gives Scott McClellan an Atomic Wedgie

DAVID GREGORY: Scott aren’t you contradicting what you told us five minutes ago?

McCLELLAN: I didn’t tell you anything five minutes ago, I was just clearing my throat…

DAVID GREGORY: OK guys, grab him and hold him down…

McCLELLAN: NO!!! Don’t … waughh!!!

(Ripping sound is heard as the wasteband of McClellan’s underpants is stretched over his head)

McCLELLAN: (sobbing)

Scene 2: Harriett Miers Confirmation Hearing

SEN. SCHUMER: Ms. Miers do you really consider yourself to be the most qualified person for this appointment?

HARRIET MIERS: Yes I do, Senator.

SEN. SCHUMER: Then can you explain it to me? It seems there are hundreds if not thousands of judges, law school professors, and legal scholars who are far more qualified than you.

HARRIET MIERS: Senator, I earned this appointment. Do you have any idea how much ass I had to kiss to get here? How many idiotic birthday cards I had to send with insipid inscriptions? How long I’ve had to kow-tow to morons? This eye makeup? Do you think I wanted to dress like this? But I hung in there and I earned this fucking appointment and …
… I’ve blown it haven’t I?


Scene 3: Karl Rove Is Arrested

ROVE: You know you’ve got no case, Patrick. Nobody is going to talk. I’m not going to tell you anything. You’re just destroying your own legal career. I’ll personally see to it that your next job is at some legal aid clinic.

PATRICK FITZGERALD: Why don’t we talk about it on the way to the airport?

ROVE: The airport? What are you talking about? Aren’t we going to the Justice Department?

PATRICK FITZGERALD: No actually I’m taking you to Guantanamo for a few months of questioning. Don’t worry, it’s all perfectly legal.

ROVE: Shit.

Scene 4: Mike Brown’s Next Job

BROWNIE: Would you like to supersize that?

Scene 5: William Bennett in It’s a Wonderful Life

(A cemetery.) Upon the tombstone is engraved a name, Ronald Reagan. Feverishly William Bennett scrapes away the snow covering the rest of the inscription, and we read: “IN MEMORY OF OUR BELOVED GOVERNOR – RONALD REAGAN – 1911-1967″

CLARENCE: Your hero, Ronald Reagan was killed after ordering police to fire at an anti-war protest in Los Angeles in 1967 at the age of 56.

(Bennett jumps up.)

BENNETT: That’s a lie! Ronald Reagan was president for two terms. He started the modern conservative movement. He invaded Grenada!

CLARENCE: (sadly) You see William, Martin Luther King was never born because all black children had been aborted so the riot wasn’t averted. Reagan wasn’t there to start the conservative movement because King wasn’t there to save Reagan. Walter Mondale was President for two terms. Grenada is still under Cuban control because Reagan wasn’t there to invade it. Don’t you see William, black people have really had wonderfully useful lives. Don’t you see what a mistake it would be to throw them all away?

BENNETT: Clarence! Clarence! Help me, Clarence. Get them back. Get them back. I don’t care what happens to me. Only get me back my black friends. Help me, Clarence, please! Please! I want them to live again!



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About The Fifth Dentist

  • Nancy

    Heh-heh-heh. What – only THREE?! You lazy … get back to work & write up some more ….

    Funny. Good work.

  • Nancy

    Ooops. I meant FIVE. I was so busy laughing I lost count.

  • The Fifth Dentist

    Thanks. I am bracing for the inevitable negative reviews.

  • Nancy

    You’re welcome. Now get back to work & do some more.

  • MCH

    Great job 5thD…very funny…keep up the good work…and re the negative reviews; look for an attack from Dave “know-it-all” Nalle, dripping with jealousy over another BC writer with more talent than he…

  • The Fifth Dentist

    Thanks. You know I like Dave. He’s the most impressive version that the dark side could produce. Like Ivan Drago in Rocky 4.

  • Dave Nalle

    Thanks, I think. Worse things than being compared to Ivan Drago.

    While your scenarios are mildly amusing, they don’t stand the test of logic. For them to be truly funny they’d need to be ironic rather than just farcical, and they can’t be ironic unless they COULD happen. Actually, 1, 2 and 4 meet that test.

    The Rove one doesn’t work because Rove could never meet the qualifications for a room in Club Gitmo. The Bennett one just doesn’t make any sense and requires too much suspension of disbelief. I’m willing to accept the It’s a Wonderful Life bit, but not the assumption that Bennett wanted to abort all the black babies going back in time – just doesn’t make any sense at all. No logic means no irony and no humor.


  • The Fifth Dentist

    Right on cue Dave.

  • MCH

    Exactly, 5thD. What do you expect from the same guy who claims it was HE, and not Al Gore, who invented the internet…?

  • Dave Nalle

    No, MCH, I worked for Al Gore at the time that he discovered and facilitated the invention of the internet – I was merely a peon serving in his glorious quest to create the future.


  • Matthew T. Sussman

    Humor’s always funnier when it doesn’t pick a directional side.

    See: The Daily Show.

  • The Fifth Dentist

    Unfortunately, the democrats aren’t that funny right now. Kerry was a little bit funny due to his stiffness. Clinton was funny due to his unctuousness. But who the fuck are you supposed to make fun of now? Nancy Pelosi? Does anybody even know who she is? You want a Harry Reid joke? The funniest thing that guy has done is have a stroke. No, the Republicans have a lock on the stuff that’s worthy of mocking right now.

  • uao

    This is a brilliant post, Fifth Dentist. And those are scenes I’d like to see. Nice job.

  • RJ

    Pretty funny, 5-D. :)

  • Matthew T. Sussman

    There are characters in the Democratic party, but Ted Kennedy is old and busted (I hear he enjoys alcoholic beverages, did anyone else know that?) and Howard Dean had his 15 minutes of FAAAAAAYME!!!!!!!

    I’ve heard Pelosi is nuttier than a Baby Ruth but can pinpoint no instances in my mind. I don’t even know what Harry Reid looks like.

    Now that I think about it, is every damn donkey an introvert? How’s that gonna win elections? C’mon, show us your caricatures!

    But I do think Scott McClellan is an easy target who doesn’t necessarily deserve it. Former Clinton press sec Mike McCurry had a little sympathy for his fellow White House McC.

  • The Fifth Dentist

    Thanks for the kind words uao and rj.
    Mathew: The presidential press secretary is the most ludicrous job in the country, bar none. It consists of two functions: 1) don’t answer any questions and 2) if forced to answer a question then lie. These functions are aided by the fact that generally nobody tells this guy anything. The real pioneer in this field was Ron Ziegler with his famous “that statement is no longer operative” line. There is also some great video of Nixon kicking Ziegler in the ass. Scott McClellan is a worthy heir to Ziegler’s legacy. Though not as gleeful a liar as his mentor Ari Fleischer, he more than makes up for it by refusing to acknowledge when caught red handed (Rove unconnected to Plame outing) and by his hilarious parroting of the republican talking points memo (19 consecutive utterances of “blame game”). So when you say that McClellan isn’t deserving of ridicule, it causes a vein in my head to pulse uncontrollably. Please don’t say that again or I’m afraid it might burst.

  • Matthew T. Sussman

    Well did you read the McCurry post I linked to?

  • Dr. Kurt

    Methinks the 5th tooth mangler has done a fine job!
    Let’s see… I am thinking of Hamlet & his father’s ghost, W and HW Bush…

  • LegendaryMonkey

    I’m still trying to figure out how the Daily Show never picks a side. Not always… no one is safe… but they’re definitely left-leaning.

    That said, I find #2 and #3 utterly hilarious.

  • Matthew T. Sussman

    LM: “How does the Daily Show never pick a side?”

    Think Pepsi Taste Test. They take off the labels and critize the content.

  • Maurice

    Somewhat funny but it reminds me of all the people that were just drooling to see Clinton go to jail over Whitewater.

    None of it is going to happen.

  • LegendaryMonkey

    Suss — I suppose the right is just easier to pick on, then? Or maybe they’re the Pepsi.