So my dearest Elsa,
My personal ad? Well, I would not call it a resounding success. Responses have been negligible. Yes, I must take the usual comfort in the few responses and attribute this yes, it is a holiday, yeah, that's the ticket. All the beautiful ladies have busied themselves with Bar B Q's friends from out of town, or they went camping into the wilderness among the many wonderful campgrounds filled with $250,000 motor homes where fellow campers watch cable television and pay no mind to the volume that resonates to those looking for a little peace and quiet.
Then again, America being a capitalist nation, perhaps these ladies that would otherwise yearn for my body and my mind and all of my wonderful amazing humor and of course, my cooking, are busily occupied with their jobs, and hopefully being paid at least time and a half.
Knowing this resolutely in anticipation of the surge of women, I spent the day yesterday seeking out a NERF Bat. I eventually found one at a garage sale, and how grateful I was, indeed. I shall use this NERF bat to beat off all the ladies who I expect will rush to my subterranean digs in maddening hoards to take me against my will, who will fight over me as violently as women at a shoe sale at Nordstrom's.
I am finding this a fearful thought which I dread with an unyielding trepidation. Had I known the outcome here and the projected consequences, I would have never placed that ad, but foolishly, as I succumbed to a need for female companionship, I hastily posted this ad, never considering the unintended consequences, calamity, and pandemonium which is bound to happen.
Dear Elsa, having told you this and knowing you are an advisor, what would you suggest that I do, how might I best control my angst and my fear, and what shall I tell all of these ravenous ladies that lust after me without regard for my sensitivity and meekness? Elsa what shall I do, as I sit here in austere desolation waiting for the other shoe to fall, thinking of the pounding on my door and the thundering fuck me pumps that I shall hear above me racing to be the first at my door. What shall I do?
Well you have your NERF bat so at least I know you’re safe and you’re likely getting safer by the day. Personal ads work very much like real estate listings. When a new house comes on the market, there is a flurry of activity for a week or so before interest drops sharply.
In effect, where you were HOT property a few days ago, you are now lukewarm and cooling rapidly. By the end of the week, you’ll be ice cold and of interest only to necrophiliacs, who only exist in small numbers.
I hope you take some comfort in this, Perplexed, and next time think ahead! For example, you could gather shoes while out shopping the garage sales, red tag them, and then set them on a table outside your neighbor’s place. This should fool at least half the ravenous ladies, significantly reducing the risk to your person. Coupled with the NERF bat strategy, you should be okay.