Satire: A Template For Writing Letters To Penthouse

Warning: If you are easily offended by adult language or sexual descriptions then please stop reading now.

Note: Pick the best answer for whatever story or fantasy you want to share.

Dear Penthouse:
I never thought I would be writing you this letter but then something amazing happened and I just had to tell about it.

1. One day I was (pick one)
A – Hitch-hiking
B – Driving and saw a hitchhiker
C – A pizza deliveryman
D – Receiving the order of a pizza
E – Working on a ranch

2. When I saw this hot chick with the most bodacious body. I felt myself stiffen, but in a good way. She noticed, smiled, and removed the top button of her shirt, confirming my belief that
A – There is a god
B – Her breasts were even better than I first guessed
C – She was warm
D – I might get lucky
E – All of the above

3. I told her my name. She said she did not want to exchange names, she just wanted to get to know me in other ways. I told her that sounded great. She first sat next to me and then got on her knees because she was

A – Praying
B – Preparing to provide oral sex
C – Looking for a contact lense she dropped
D – Disgusted by how messy the seat next to me was
E – She was – “oh, my god!” I screamed

She asked me a question. At first I did not hear her because I was moaning with pleasure. I asked her to repeat her question: “Can I invite my twin sister over?”
I pretended to think about this.
“Well, if she is as hot as you,” I began.
She gave me that “You’re more stupid than you look” look (I hate that look!) but then before I could take offense she licked her lips, removed another button from her tight shirt and said, “She is my TWIN sister.”

Oh. Yes, I said. Invite her over.

She went back to doing what she was doing, and I began my own special prayer, “Oh, God! Oh, God!” while thinking, “I can’t believe this is happening to me. Must. Write. Of. This. To. Penthouse.”

Her sister arrived. We moved to the bedroom. Her sister said the only way you can tell the two apart is through a mole on her butt. I said I did not believe her and needed to confirm this information.

They both giggled and removed their clothes so they can show me they are completely identical except for – yes, that mole on her butt. I kissed the mole and she giggled.

4. I do not remember the next few minutes because
A) I think they put something in that drink they gave me
B) They took turns pleasuring me in every way possible
C) I was on drugs the whole time and for all I know this could have been a dream
D) I was busy setting up my video camera
E) I was having the most amazing sex of my life

I don’t know how long we went at it. It seemed like hours but judging by past comments from ex-girlfriends it was probably just minutes before I exploded.

5. That was when they pulled out the handcuffs.
I realized then that
A) I was about to get into some serious bondage. Cool.
B) I was about to get ripped off somehow. Not cool.
C) I had no idea what the hell was going on but I had two hot women in my bed so I didn’t care. Cool.
D) I had no idea what the hell was going on. Not cool.
E) I wish I had my cell phone.

I asked the women if they had the keys to the handcuffs and they just looked at each and giggled. The giggling that had seemed so cute and sexy before was not starting to get on my nerves and raise my suspicions.

They then pulled this move where one girl – non-mole girl was how I thought of her – began licking my upper thighs while the other girl locked the handcuffs.

I stiffened. I also sat up straight and realized what a vulnerable position I was in: I was completely naked and handcuffed.

6. One of the hot ladies, I think I was it mole girl but I couldn’t tell because I couldn’t see her butt from the angle I was in, came over and this is what she said:
A) Your wife hired us. We recorded the whole thing. You are in deep —-
B) We will be back later. Take a nap and save up your energy for later.
C) You were the best we ever had… today
D) We are taking your wallet.
E) You were great.

I could not believe what she just said. She walked away and the last thing I heard from them was that giggling, as well as a little babbling, as they left the house.
I really hoped they would come back but they never did.

7. I know some reading this would have questions like:
A. You call this a sexy letter? You got played!
B. How did you get out?
C. Did they come back? (Hint: Re-read the last paragraph)
D. Did you use protection?
E. Don’t you think this story is demeaning to women or is that why you had the part about getting conned?

But I don’t really care about those questions. All I know is that it was – at least until I was handcuffed – the best day of my life and I will never forget it.

Still Happy in Houston