That’s right, it has been revealed that the Nintendo Revolution shall be officially called the Wii (pronounced “We”). The name will hurt its success in the west, where it’s synonymous with what a toddler does in its pants, and will do it well in France where it will translate as the “Nintendo: YES!” What concerns me however, is the meaning behind the name. Nintendo states that Wii represents taking down the barriers between gamers and non-gamers; that the name emphasizes this console is for everyone…
Well I say, fuck everyone! What about us hardcore gamers? We, who have stayed up through the night, our own eyelids so dry that they scratch against our corneas like sandpaper with every blink, just to make it to that next level. We have spent most of our lives perfecting our skills with traditional console controls, and I see no reason why we should sit idly by while Nintendo levels the playing field. We don’t want a gaming system that our girlfriends, real or imaginary, can just pick up and play. We want a system that is counterintuitive, complex, and requires the kind of multitasking skills that only gaming gurus like ourselves could ever dream of mastering. So it is with this in mind that I present the gaming system that is NOT for everyone, but for the select few (or one):
The mI! (pronounced ME!) is the first console designed specifically for the hardcore gamer. Whereas the “ii” in Wii symbolizes people playing together, the lone capital “I” in mI! represents that I alone am what is most important. It also stands for isolation.
I earned these calluses on my thumbs, and I am not prepared to let them become obsolete just because Nintendo decides to make a game controller that operates like a remote control. I will not allow gaming skills of the future to be inherent to the common couch potato. So the Mi! controller will be outfitted with a grand tapestry of buttons, to control even the most nuanced aspects of a game. It has three analog joysticks, 41 face buttons, two triggers, two handle-tip buttons, three slide controls, a number pad, and a touch screen. There are also 12 traditional shoulder buttons at the front of the controller and two similar buttons to the rear, which I have dubbed “ass cheek” buttons. Oh, and it has a doorknob.
Eight of the 41 face buttons lie on the left and right handles of the controller and are designed to utilize the thenar muscles of each hand, which I think is Elvish for lower thumb. In the past controllers have only utilized the tip of the thumb, but I believe thumbs are the lifeblood of hardcore gamers, and just as the noble Indians used every part of the animals they hunted, we gamers shall use every part of the thumb.
The red “X” button, the largest of the buttons on the controller, is a true test for the hardcore gamer. If you press it, the game resets and you automatically lose all of your progress. Don’t press it.
The controller also has a perpetual game of Tetris built directly into it, which you must continually play or you will automatically lose at whatever other game you are playing. Ok, it actually won’t affect the game at all, but just try not to be distracted by Tetris. That shit is addicting!
Rage against the Machine
Rage is our ally. It comes to us when we are backed into a corner and need strength through eye-bulging psycho fury. Whether we are wrestling a bear to save a baby, or wrestling a baby to save a rainbow-swirled confection, this emotional response triggers an adrenaline release, allowing feats beyond our normal means. Any gamer knows that rage is ever-present in gaming as well, but that rage has always gone to waste as it never mattered how hard you mashed buttons or screamed at the console or kicked it across the room or pulled a knife on your TV. The game simply had no way of detecting your rabid state… until now. Every button on the mI! controller is pressure sensitive. The harder you smash your fuming anger down through your thumbs, the better you will perform. For example, let’s say you’re playing an FPS (first person shooter) and you run out of ammo. If you continue to slam down the “fire” button hard enough, your character will desperately chuck his gun at the opponent, followed by picking rocks up off the ground and chucking those at him too, and once he’s out of rocks, he’ll tear off his own arm and lob that at the enemy, and then chase him down, pull him to the ground and let the blood gushing from your character’s stub pour down into his eyes.
Furthermore, the mI! uses motion tracking, not only to track the controller’s movements but the movements of other objects as well. So now when your mind goes blank and you chuck that chair at the TV, it will not go unrewarded in-game. Also, because of the mI!’s voice tracking capabilities, your screaming of obscenities can give you the edge.
The Wii controller is designed for an attachment called the “Nanchaku” which adds an analog joystick and two trigger buttons to the configuration. Since the Mi!’s controller is so uberly outfitted on its own, it requires no special attachments. We did however come up with one add-on to give some games that extra immersion.
The Axe Handle add-on transforms the controller into the Battle Axe configuration. By simply placing the rod firmly between the “ass cheeks”, you are ready to play slashing-based games with skull-splintering realism. Such games include Golden Axe Returns, The Shining: 3D, and Grand Theft Auto: Apache Chief
Every new console has to have a lineup of big-name game titles for its release, and the mI! certainly comes packin’.
mI! brings you the revolution of the first-person shooter with Earshot. All modern FPS games have adopted the “headshot” as a game play staple. (For you newbs, a headshot is where you successfully fire your weapon at the enemy’s head, giving you an instant kill.) For some of us though, the headshot has become such second nature that we never miss a shot. It has become trivial, mundane, boring. That is why, in Earshot, you are challenged to shoot your opponents, not in the head, but in their ear. Upon a successful earshot, your opponent will clutch their bloody ear-hole and scream “Jesus-fuck, man! You shot me in my fucking ear!” The game then shifts them to your team, with your new ally whimpering “I’ll do what ever you say, just don’t shoot off my other ear!” Those who try to play by traditional means and simply rack up headshot kills will find themselves sorely outmatched when they cross the path of you and your loyal army of half-deaf soldiers.
StarFox: 2007 Tax Edition
StarFox 2007 Tax Edition marks the return of Fox McCloud. This time he must fight his way back from deep within enemy space. But wait, it’s April 15th! Fox only has till the end of the day to fill out and mail in his tax forms or face grievous government fees. Can you pilot Fox’s R-Wing fighter past meteors, mine-fields, and enemy squadrons while filling out the necessary forms on the dashboard? Prepare to put your multi-tasking skills to the test. Ooh look, Tetris!
Mario Xtreme Beach Volleyball
Ah, beach volleyball: the sights, the sounds… the sights. This game definitely has it where it counts. Game play? Ok look, everyone knows these beach volleyball games aren’t made for their playability. I could bring back Frogger as the #1 selling game if I replaced the frog with a big-titted tourist in full 3-D, trying to cross Hollywood Blvd. Hey, that’s not a bad idea. Anyway, the point is Mario Xtreme Beach Volleyball will sell no matter how shitty the gameplay is, because of the huge market of people who will buy anything with the name Mario on it and the huge market of people who will buy anything with T&A in it. And it marks the first Mario game you can masturbate to (right?).
The mI!’s graphics will be processed by three Xbox 360s working in tandem and it will powered by one of those pod babies from The Matrix.
* All games will have speed metal soundtracks.
* Delux addition will come with urine bag to promote uninterrupted gameplay. (Despite it’s name, the Wii oddly lacks this feature.)
* The mI! will share the same sleek case design of the Wii, only with a badass flame decal.
Nobody can stop mI!