I learned a great deal from the president's health care speech last night, much of which I believe it is my duty as a good American to share with other good Americans. (Bad Americans, please stop reading.) This is what I learned:
The man is so smooth, he could clean the barnacles off a boat simply by smiling at them.
Democrats are about the most fidgety people on the face of the earth. Someone should tell them to sit down, shut up, and listen. Honestly, they’d have been up clapping and cheering if Obama farted.
Republicans are so rude they even piss themselves off. It’s like being at a kindergarten recess. Not just the “you’re a fucking, goddamn, pig-headed, moronic, self-indulgent, socialist, anti-American, card-carrying commie liar,” which some guy in a bar next to me shouted at some point, but the snickering, booing, and an unintelligible remark from some Congressman from somewhere other than Illinois.
Health care is a good thing. We need it, particularly sick people who are likely to die without it. (Unless of course you have to go to a hospital where recent studies have found you’re 73% more likely to die from a hospital-based infection than whatever you were admitted for.)
American health care is not the best in the world; simply the most expensive. (Unless you’re a member of Congress or the President.) However, if we just do everything the president tells us, we will have the best health care system in the world, and it won’t increase the budget deficit by one thin dime.
The president will never make us give up our current health care plans — which really sucks since, personally, we’re paying an arm and a leg for health care that would kill a horse, which is nothing compared to this couple we know who are paying $300 each and every month plus a huge deductible for health insurance. That’s $36,000 a year plus probably ten grand in deductibles. They’ll probably have to get cancer of the entire corpus delectable for that insurance to pay off.
Insurance companies want to do the right thing, but this pesky little annoyance called profit is forcing them to kill sick people.
The president is not in favor of government-sponsored death panels. He figures the insurance companies are doing well enough at that without any government help.
The new regulations that will be imposed upon insurance companies will leave us with the same sense of trust and faith in them that we do in banks.
Anyone who wants an abortion will have to go to Mexico unless that person is an illegal immigrant. The president wasn’t clear about what pregnant illegal immigrants should do if they want abortions. Maybe go to Canada?
Health care is not a partisan issue, although it may be a religious one since some preacher out west is praying for Obama to die which is definitely not good health care. Republicans and Democrats can work together for the good of America. They can also bring about world peace which is a good thing except that it will deprive Miss America pageant contestants of one sure winner answer to the toughest question they get from the panel of judges.
No one is going to be allowed to say untrue things about the president’s health care proposals any more. If they do, Obama is going to call them out. Or ask them out. Well, it’s something to do with out and it doesn’t sound like a good thing. So from now on, we can be confident that we’re hearing the truth about health care reform.
Or, in the words of the immortal Country Joe and The Fish, “Whoopee, we’re all going to die.”
Finally, I learned that President Obama is the last president who will promote health care reform. I don’t know how he knows this. Maybe he talked with Nancy Reagan’s astrologer or channeled some spirit or maybe it’s true that the ghosts of future presidents walk the halls of the White House. Whatever, it’s pretty weird as well as scary given how much we need health care reform, so we’d better get our asses in gear and do something.
In Jameson Veritas