Most honorable and legal American citizens,
It is with great pride and lethal American pleasure that I announce my candidacy for the 2006 senatorial race in the fine state of Idaho. True, I’m not actually registered to vote in Idaho. I’m not even sure if there is a senatorial election this year, or if I’m running for the state legislature or the one over in DC. This matters not; and as far as local issues go, I haven’t got a clue.
Cancel my subscription — I don’t need your issues. Ha ha, but seriously folks, it’s time we got a good gal over there in Washington (or Boise), and I’m the girl for the job!
1. If elected, I promise to impose my moral authority on all the peoples of America and Mexico. You never know which Mexicans are hopping over, so we’ve got to get them trained. All unwed parents would be married de facto. All bastard babies would be declared legit. All unwed pregnant ladies would be shipped to Taiwan. It’s time we cleaned these streets up, and we don’t need sex-crazed orgy-mongers on the loose. So watch your backs, homosexuals! I’m after you!
2. As strong as my moral authority is, I think my real strength is my unparalleled desire to liberally help all the children of the world. For this reason, and many others, I will be taxing 90% of all American income to fund the following:
A Russian revolution; Putin’s got to go.
I heard something about African babies being hungry. I’m on it.
I will also be solving the Chinese population problem.
The UN wants an NBA franchise. I’m in talks to donate an east coast team.
North Korea is threatened by an impending energy crisis. I’ve already begun negotiations to help them out.
American farmers are sick of being undersold by Chinese farmers. We’re bombing the Chinese, as well as Chinese factories. If there’s one thing Americans need, it’s more low-wage factory jobs!
The South Asians, however, seem like nice folks. I’ll allocate 50% of our GDP to fund more call centers in India.
Free gas for everyone!
Open borders for everyone of European descent. Everyone else is welcome, as long as they do a little dance for our amusement once they cross the border; then they get a free ice cream cone! Yea, USA!
3. I’m rewriting the Patriot Act. Obviously, the impositions on personal privacy are completely warranted — no argument there — but instead of torturing terrorist suspects, we’re going to require they listen to Toby Keith nonstop. Toby has an excellent grasp of patriotism. If those so-called terrorists had any sense of national pride at all, they wouldn’t be in our prisons.
4. I’m proposing monetary reparations for descendants of American slaves, as well as monetary reparations to descendants of Mexico because we took their land from them. Also, I’m proposing reparations to any Asians since they built the Transcontinental Railroad for pennies on the dollar. Italian-Americans get reparations for defamation of character in American movies.
Reparations will go to Irish-Americans, for me personally making the assumption that all Irish are drunks, and of course, all American women. If you think you’ve been left out of what is rightfully yours, email me at reparations4all.com.
5. Last thing, I’m abolishing the separation between church and state. It’s obvious the only way we’re going to settle our religious differences is to establish a state religion. Everyone will sign a contract either pledging their allegiance to the new American religion, tentatively titled JewChristAllahism, or the other ‘non-religion,’ tentatively titled AtheistWiccaDevil-Lovers.
As you can see, there is no way I can possibly lose this election. I’ve got the moral authority of my mentor, Pat Robertson, and the liberal agenda of my boyfriend, Jesse Jackson. So get on the Kristi-train now, before you get rolled over.
P.S. I’m using the Patriot Act to track down everyone who doesn’t vote for me, so play it safe and nobody gets hurt.
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