UCLA was supposed to play second-ranked USC this afternoon in the Rose Bowl but USC never showed up for the game.
The team on the field wore maroon and gold uniforms and the band played the USC Trojans fight song over and over but it remains a mystery who it was, exactly, who were inside those uniforms. Nonetheless they lost to the Bruins 13-9, eliminating USC’s chances to play in the national championship.
Suffice to say, rumors are abound as to why the actual Trojans were not on the field. Among the more plausible are as follows:
1. The entire USC team was abducted by aliens shortly after their powerful and assertive win over Notre Dame last weekend and were replaced by ET imitations created by George Lucas’ Industrial Sound and Light, Inc.
2. An NCAA Division II team snuck into the USC locker room before the UCLA game, tied them up and played in their place.
3. Either a University of Michigan or University of Florida assistant coach poured an unidentified substance into the USC Gatorade prior to the game. It is the opinion of some medical experts in the field of pharmacology that, from the effect the substance had on the USC players, the substance may have been liquid morphine, liquid opium or simply a distilled form of tryptophan made from uneaten turkey left-over from last week’s Thanksgiving celebrations.
The results of lab tests on USC urine samples should settle this mystery in the next few days.
Until then, Pete Carroll is strongly advised to refrain from slapping the butts of any of his players lest he get accused of sexual harassment. This warning comes by way of the fourth and final rumor being that:
4. The USC team that suited up for the UCLA game today was made up entirely of girls.Powered by Sidelines