Home / Satire: UCLA Defeats #2 Ranked “Mystery Team”

Satire: UCLA Defeats #2 Ranked “Mystery Team”

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UCLA was supposed to play second-ranked USC this afternoon in the Rose Bowl but USC never showed up for the game.

The team on the field wore maroon and gold uniforms and the band played the USC Trojans fight song over and over but it remains a mystery who it was, exactly, who were inside those uniforms. Nonetheless they lost to the Bruins 13-9, eliminating USC’s chances to play in the national championship.

Suffice to say, rumors are abound as to why the actual Trojans were not on the field. Among the more plausible are as follows:

1. The entire USC team was abducted by aliens shortly after their powerful and assertive win over Notre Dame last weekend and were replaced by ET imitations created by George Lucas’ Industrial Sound and Light, Inc.

2. An NCAA Division II team snuck into the USC locker room before the UCLA game, tied them up and played in their place.

3. Either a University of Michigan or University of Florida assistant coach poured an unidentified substance into the USC Gatorade prior to the game. It is the opinion of some medical experts in the field of pharmacology that, from the effect the substance had on the USC players, the substance may have been liquid morphine, liquid opium or simply a distilled form of tryptophan made from uneaten turkey left-over from last week’s Thanksgiving celebrations.

The results of lab tests on USC urine samples should settle this mystery in the next few days.

Until then, Pete Carroll is strongly advised to refrain from slapping the butts of any of his players lest he get accused of sexual harassment. This warning comes by way of the fourth and final rumor being that:

4. The USC team that suited up for the UCLA game today was made up entirely of girls.

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About Bird of Paradise

  • Thank you. Thank you very much.

  • Very good, RJ. You could double as Mental Floss!

  • “Have you heard of either Arkansas or Nebraska?”

    I think so. Those are states, right?

  • “besides notre dame what other solid team did they [USC] beat this year”

    Have you heard of either Arkansas or Nebraska?

  • jt, you may be right in what you say but I do wish that I had not written the final two paragraphs of my post. Even satire should have some sense of decorum and I crossed it here. USC had a good season (not a great one, but a good one) and as a team that has shared at least one of the top two spots in college football the past three years the members of the USC team deserve a little more respect than I gave to them in this post.

    I congratulate UCLA on a great game against a worthy opponent.

  • jt

    Yes USC is a great football team but wayyyyy overrated.besides notre dame what other solid team did they beat this year. And notre dame gets all this credit for beating up on teams like navy,airforce,army and barley pulling out a win in a miracle in east lansing against michigan state.And michigan state hit rock bottom this year and ended up prolly the worst team in the big ten. Today wasnt a fluke and yes their team did show up. USC just got beat by a quicker ucla team. Its just a shame michigan had to play ohio st in columbus this year. on a neutralfield michigan would be national champs.And this is coming from a guy who hates michigan

  • “An NCAA Division II team snuck into the USC locker room before the UCLA game, tied them up and played in their place.”

    Which makes you question the strength of USC’s actual offensive line in the first place.