[Attention: this material was smuggled out of Gitmo and just arrived. Hence its time-delayed nature]
On the occasion of the fifth anniversary of 9/11, the day that will go down in freedom-hating infamy, I, Captain Freedom the Beardedpig, have decided, in the name of those nearly 3,000 fallen for freedom on 9/11; those 3,000 Americans fallen for freedom in Iraq; and those nearly 50,000 Iraqi civilians fallen with the sweet taste of freedom on their lips — to celebrate the unwavering devotion to freedom our great Freedomlover has demonstrated amid the catcalling slings and arrows of freedom-haters for five long years.
When love of tyranny, love of hate, love of totalitarianism, love of evil struck, the Great Freedomlover spoke freedomloving truth to freedomhating terror. To a joint session of Congress, the American people, and freedomlovers everywhere on September 20, 2001, He declared, “we are a country awakened to danger and called to defend freedom.”
And then let the great cascade of freedom flow freely: “On September the 11th, enemies of freedom committed an act of war against our country… Night fell on a different world, a world where freedom itself is under attack… They hate our freedoms — our freedom of religion, our freedom of speech, our freedom to vote and assemble and disagree with each other.” As it was then, so it is today, my dear freedomlovers: “And what is at stake is not just America's freedom. This is the world's fight. This is civilization's fight. This is the fight of all who believe in progress and pluralism, tolerance and freedom.”
That night, my freedomloving beardedpig’s heart beat in tandem with the Great Freedomlover’s. I was called to duty! To arms! Whenever I was tested, tempted by pangs of despair to give in to the fear of the freedomhaters, He was there with words to revive me.
He did not falter in 2003: “Whatever action is required, whenever action is necessary, I will defend the freedom and security of the American people.”
Nor in 2004: “As democracy takes hold in Iraq, the enemies of freedom will do all in their power to spread violence and fear. They are trying to shake the will of our country and our friends, but the United States of America will never be intimidated by thugs and assassins. The killers will fail, and the Iraqi people will live in freedom.”
You hear Him, freedomhaters? We will not be intimidated! We shall fight in the deserts, in the freedomloving prisons, and brightly lit interrogation rooms, in the libraries, on the radio and television, with bugs, freedomloving fake news and public diplomacy, staged triumphs and rescues, and we shall never give up until Freedom is secured for those worthy of civilization the world over!
Whatever be the challenge we shall find the means to repel the insidious and foul-smelling offense of freedomhaters. And who is on the frontlines, freedomlovers? Let us never fail to honor freedomloving leadership!
He led the charge of freedom into freedom-deprived Iraq, determined to liberate the tyrannized Iraqi people.
Nearly 3,000 freedom-loving American lost lives later, His irrevocable wave of freedomlove will not be brooked, no matter if He must sacrifice His own earthly life for its cause! Never forget that the freedomlovers have died for a noble idea, a way of life, for civilization itself!
Then again, as we doubted, He lifted up his voice in the State of the Union in 2005, letting the bells of freedom ring across the widest ocean and to the highest mountaintop: “Our…responsibility to future generations is to leave them an America that is safe from danger, and protected by peace. We will pass along to our children all the freedoms we enjoy — and chief among them is freedom from fear.”
How pig-pleased I was to hear him quoting another great, though lesser by comparison of course, freedomlover — Franklin Roosevelt. The Great Freedomlover only referred to one of Roosevelt’s Four Great Freedoms for the post-WW II era, but I do not doubt for a freedomloving second that He gives the other three His greatest attention and commitment, since like FDR, He spoke them shortly after freedomhaters attacked and thus in a time of war. I remind you of them here:
“The first is freedom of speech and expression — everywhere in the world.
"The second is freedom of every person to worship God in his own way everywhere in the world.
"The third is freedom from want, which, translated into world terms, means economic understandings which will secure to every nation a healthy peacetime life for its inhabitants — everywhere in the world.
"The fourth is freedom from fear, which, translated into world terms, means a worldwide reduction of armaments to such a point and in such a thorough fashion that no nation will be in a position to commit an act of physical aggression against any neighbor — anywhere in the world.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt, January 6, 1941
Is His commitment to these sacred ideals not obvious in His stewardship of the tribute to patriotic freedomlovers, the Patriot Act? His tax cuts for government-oppressed freedomloving Americans? His heart-felt acknowledgment of freedom-threatening unequal economic conditions for the poor black inhabitants of New Orleans? His faith-based initiatives?
Then almost two weeks ago, He reiterated for those of us with sad freedom-threateningly short attention spans:
“One of the strongest weapons in our arsenal is the power of freedom. The terrorists fear freedom as much as they do our firepower.”
And this is not all: “We are fighting to maintain the way of life enjoyed by free nations. And we're fighting for the possibility that good and decent people across the Middle East can raise up societies based on freedom and tolerance and personal dignity.” He will not let the march of freedom misstep! Are you with the freedom-hating terrorists or with us? Are you with tyranny or freedom? Thank my wee pig beard, He reminds us what we’re fighting for:
“We are now in the early hours of this struggle between tyranny and freedom. Amid the violence, some question whether the people of the Middle East want their freedom, and whether the forces of moderation can prevail. For 60 years, these doubts guided our policies in the Middle East. And then, on a bright September morning, it became clear that the calm we saw in the Middle East was only a mirage. Years of pursuing stability to promote peace had left us with neither. So we changed our policies, and committed America's influence in the world to advancing freedom and democracy as the great alternatives to repression and radicalism.”
When we have doubted, did He? No, He stood steadfast, one godly Man among men, cutting his determined path through the jungle of freedomhating tyranny.
And though I sit here tonight in Gitmo with nary a trough to slurp from, my resolve to fight on with the Freedomlover is not broken! Nay, ‘tis as confident in His leadership as ever! I am here as part of His freedomloving plan! Do not question the ways of the Freedomlover (which even the freedomloving Supreme Court does not understand). He has been sent here to lead us out of the darkness of terror. We can not always understand His choices, but we must not waver in our faith. I am but His humble servant. He has drunk from the very Source of Freedom itself!
Thank, you, President Bush. Freedomlovers everywhere salute you. I, Captain Freedom, your humble servant, salute you. Blessed are the freedomlovers!