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Satire: The Secret Mutant Powers of Mike Huckabee

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In American politics it’s often the least offensive and most persuasive candidate who wins the battle for public opinion. Ideology, background, religion, upbringing and qualifications are all put aside if the politician in question appears acceptable and amicable to a large enough cross section of voters. Of the eight candidates running for the Republican nomination there is one who does not offend. In fact he acts a little too mild mannered, almost like he has something to hide. Mike Huckabee is too normal and too healthy an individual to be running for President but I think I know why. It’s because he is in fact a Super Hero with mutant powers and his role as a kindly politician is merely a disguise. If you don’t believe me, I have proof.

1. First off, his name is Huckabee, say it out loud, Huck-a-b-e-e-e-e-e. That’s not a real name. Come on, he clearly made it up. Although it would be hilarious if we got to hear the newscasters repeat the words President Huckabee for the next four years. Today President Huckabee and Army Private Beetle Baily met in the secret White House strategy room. Huckabee’s, it sounds like a fast food restaurant. Didn’t they have a Huckabee’s on I-95 south in Georgia? Wasn’t it across from the Denny’s?

2. He lost 110 pounds. That alone is amazing! Apparently Mike Huckabee can shrink his own body down to half its size in order to fit into small places, like the overhead bin on an airplane. Just think about how much money we could save? He could fly coach every time and no one would even know that he was on board. On the flip side he could potentially grow to twice his size in order to fill up bigger shoes, like the magnetic laced loafers the President has to wear. Oh shoot, was that a secret?

3. Huckabee can rock! As a guitar player in the band Capitol Offense, Mike can musically captivate the swarming hordes around him. This mass hypnosis could come in very useful. Perhaps he could craft a song that would tempt the terrorists out of their caves in Afghanistan and then we could catch them by laying naked virgins on huge steel spring-loaded traps. At the very least I wouldn’t mind hearing the state of the union recited in verse with Harry Reid on drums and Nancy Pelosi doing back up vocals. Oh the fun we could have.

4. He singled handedly fixed Arkansas! Well, sort of. Michael Dale Huckabee was Governor of Clinton’s home state for two terms. His accomplishments are listed at full length on Wikipedia and will quickly put you to sleep with a few notable exceptions. In 2005 Time Magazine called him one of America’s best governors touting his ability to reduce the number of uninsured Arkansans and lower the state’s unemployment below the national average. He also directed 100% of the settlement money from the tobacco lawsuits to go to health education and Medicaid. These decisive actions helped him to garner the image of a mature politician who can build consensus on important issues. I suppose a normal human could do these things but I thought I’d add it anyway.

The only thing missing in Huckabee’s narrative is an arch Nemesis but I have an idea who it might be. During the You-Tube debate someone asked a question about NASA and it was Governor Huckabee who suggested putting Hillary Clinton on the first rocket to Mars. If you don’t think he’s determined to use his mutant powers to save us all then just keep listening. Someday you’ll hear the music and you will believe. Oh yes, you will believe.

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About Alex Hutchinson

  • http://www.secretundergroundlair.com Jeff Myers

    I believe Huckabee is actually an artificial being created by a rogue band of democratic super-villains.

    He is programed to capture the Republican nomination and then on the day of the convention, he will perform a number from the Rocky Horror Picture Show and then explode.

    Okay, maybe he won’t explode, but I’m still betting on the Rocky Horror number.

  • http://www.republicofdave.com Dave Nalle

    If he’s a character from Rocky Horror I’m betting he’s Janet.

    Dave

  • http://www.myspace.com/wvforhuckabee Joey

    That’s hilarious!

    I truly think you’re right about the Governor being a super-hero :)

    God bless!

  • http://www.lewisaleman.com/ Lewis Aleman

    Haha. We can’t seem to all agree on a normal human president, so maybe we do need a superhero!

  • http://drdreadful.blogspot.com Dr Dredgepool

    Huckaberry Finn is, from what I’ve heard, a foaming fundamentalist who’s the closest thing the GOP has got to what’s squatting in the White House right now.

    If the Repubs are dumb enough to nominate him, then the Dems could run an actual live donkey and still win…

  • khanj42

    This guy straightened out Arkansas? Mildly impressive. Now if they can get someone to straighten out Louisiana then THAT will be impressive.

  • http://www.myspace.com/lilybelle7 Lily Belle

    Very interesting.

  • http://www.morethings.com/photo_gallery_index.htm Al Barger

    Dude, there’s no way Huckabee’s going to have Harry Reid in his band. Reid’s one of them Satanic Mormons.

  • Kevin

    politicians with superpowers…oh boy…thats funny

  • http://www.myspace.com/thevybe ob1

    Progression and the super hero hopefulls

    I love his story. I came across it late into the night while reading up on barack and hiliary. Something forced me to take a closer look, and whether it was the weight loss or just his over all american image,(photos of him fishing and with family)I pictured him already there in the white house waving with his family and playing the guitar.
    All other hopefull hero better step it up. I can picture it now, Hilary frantically trying to learn to play the violen, and Barack brushing up on mozart while his wife puts the finishing touches on his super suit.
    I loved this story because it was factual and entertaining. Super hero or not, this country needs a “hero like” leader to fix it and get us back on track, not another idiot to do nothing for 4 years. Progression is good, no matter who they put in power. Any person who brings us citizens progress will be mine super man.