I am delighted to be able to tell my many devoted readers that the Presidential campaign we all so enjoyed is far from over; indeed, it is just beginning. An incredibly reliable and very high ranking White House informant, who spoke to me on condition of absolute anonymity because he was not authorized to speak publicly, angrily denounced persistent rumors that when President Obama travels to Denver, Illinois on Tuesday, 17 February 2009 to discuss his economic plan, he will throw many thousands of hundred dollar bills to the multitudes from his limousine. Those rumors are absolutely false. They are malicious, harmful to the country, and they must cease! So must outrageous and grossly defeatist statements amounting to treason which are reported by President Obama's enemies as coming from alleged White House officials:
President Barack Obama's aides warned Americans on Sunday not to expect instant miracles from the $787 billion economic stimulus bill he will sign this week, but said it would help eventually…
"…There will be signs of activity very quickly," David Axelrod, the White House senior adviser, said on Fox News Sunday "But it's going to take time for that to show up in the statistics. The president has said it's likely to get worse before it gets better."
These specious statements, taken out of context and poorly reported by right wing enemies of Democracy, are blasphemous. The statement by Mr. Axelrod was taken grossly out of context, as were all others, but did presage President Obama's triumphal journey to Denver on Tuesday of the coming week.
My informant was kind enough to direct me to a recent article posted on a well known but highly
subversive conservative web site, which he said nevertheless fully expresses President Obama's bipartisan views and for which the entire White House staff is immensely grateful, notwithstanding its source. It is good to know that Our President is big enough to rise above partisan squabbling! Indeed, tingles must go down our collective legs because of this!
Contrary to the scurrilous rumors, and as Mr. Axelrod modestly predicted when he spoke of "signs of activity" to be seen very quickly, President Obama will announce that, pursuant to heretofore secret provisions of the "Stimulus" legislation set forth at pages 1,060 – 1,068 of the new "Stimulus" law, he is authorized to, and will, provide the following Stimulus Benefits no President has ever before gone boldly forth to provide, immediately:
- Free and unlimited booze for everyone, not only in Denver, but in all of Illinois. Employees, guards, and the like at all liquor stores will be removed from the premises and every drunk or potential drunk who can be found will be given absolutely free limousine service to the closest liquor store (all liquor stores will be required to remain open for the festivities);
- All gasoline stations will similarly be stripped of attendants, and all who so desire will be encouraged to tank up, for FREE!
- All appliance stores, grocery stores, clothing stores and other vendors of essential goods will also be stripped of attendants and required to remain open. Everyone will be encouraged to avail him(her)(it)self of the incredible bounty made available thanks to Our Glorious Leader and, through him to us, because of our new-found Hope and Change.
- No child will be left behind — really and truly this time this time! All candy stores will be open and unattended, so that our next generation of voters can have their fill of whatever they desire, FREE. The educational benefits of this will be tremendous and will immeasurably help the Country as these young people become voters. In that connection, the nation-wide voting age will be reduced, immediately, to seven.
- Numerous volunteers will be on hand at all venues to register voters; no identification will be required, and there will be no limits on the number of times anyone can register. That is the Democratic way, which now must and will prevail! To ensure the strictly bipartisan nature of these registrations, separate facilities will be provided, in appropriately unlit subterranean broom closets, for denizens of the dark and anyone else foolish enough to express a desire to register as a Republican. Modest fees, not to exceed $50,000 each, will be charged each such Republican registrant to cover the costs of rigorous verification and registration procedures;
- All Members of the Congress who voted for the "Stimulus" package on Friday (and this includes even three Republicans, as an unprecedented and extremely generous gesture of bipartisanship), as well as all members of their respective staffs and their extended families, will be given comparable enrichment privileges for a whole month in whatever state they select. This extended period is necessary to allow those who have seen fit to serve their country by going on fact-finding missions to hostile shores, such as Rome, to take full advantage.
These things, according to my confidential informant, are just a small sampling of the wonderful things to which we can all look forward. Every person in every state visited by President Obama, during his upcoming "Stimulus" promotion tour of all fifty-seven states, will be given these same bounties and even more. Free, personally autographed copies of all of President Obama's literary masterpieces will be distributed to all in attendance. My informant added, "Let us rejoice, be merry and offer praise and thanks for these bounteous wonders. There will be something stimulating for all! God Bless us, everyone!" He added, "any *%@&*
Republicans reprobates who don't like it should just shut the *&%^$) up and get the *&^*&%% out — go to Panama, for Christ's sake!"
This has been a public service announcement.