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Satire: The Non-White Man’s Burden – God’s Vengeance

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Demographic experts now predict that by 2020*, white males will be in the minority in these United States of America. By 2050, white people will no longer be the majority race, although how the U.S. government tracks race is open to debate. By 2063, February 29th to be exact, white people will only be found in small enclaves surrounding suburban golf courses, working mostly as maintenance people for the non-whites who live in the gated communities. The whites will be standing on street corners waiting for trucks to take them to their daily jobs. As what’s-his-name said in Independence Day, “Payback’s a bitch, isn’t it.” But I digress.

Back to this confusion about race. Hispanics (oops, sorry Latinos, although I can’t figure out the difference, since both refer to European colonial powers) are considered non-white by the U.S. census. Obviously, some Latinos are more black than white, but others are as white as Paris Hilton, although better dressed.

Why Latinos have options on the U.S. census forms while people such as myself do not is something that Barney Frank should be investigating instead of worrying about the Big Three in Detroit. I mean, he can’t check queer just as I can’t check “agnostic Jew” or “unrepentent 60s hippie.” And what about Lithuanians? Fair is fair, I say.

Nonetheless, at some point, America will no longer be the land of Wonder Bread and Kellogg’s Corn Flakes, although one can only pray that Jameson Irish whiskey will still be available. As a good liberal, I am willing to accept these changes, mostly because I’m old enough that by the time they’re in full force, I’ll be dead.

But one insidious threat is worming its way through the fabric of not only America but also the entire world. This uncontrolled bastardization of our most basic needs is the harbinger of doom, a challenge that can only be called The Non-White Man’s (& Woman’s) Burden.

You must know of what I speak: fusion food. If I want tacos, I’ll go to Taco Bell, but when I go to a fine restaurant and find that Mexican spices and foods have wormed their way into some of our most basic food groups, such as onion rings, I must raise my voice in protest – and in warning.

I don’t know what molé is, and I don’t want to know. Anything made from moles is disgusting, and I certainly don’t want a sauce made from rodents turning my chicken cordon blue into something brown and unappealing.

This mass confusion has even reached across the Atlantic (note to Sarah Palin: that’s an ocean off the right coast of the U.S.) to, gasp, France (Gov. Palin, that’s a country, sort of.) Famous French chefs have become enamored of fusing Japanese cuisine with their own. Imagine, fois gros sushi, boeuf bourguignon with a piquant sauce of blowfish innards, espresso tea…the horrors are endless.

This viral threat will soon envelop the world. The Chinese will be offering egg roll hot dogs, Kung Pau BBQ Chicken, and Egg Drop Meatball soup.

Where are the voices rising in protest? Does no one else see the hand of God in all this? Am I alone in having recognized that God’s vengeance is once again being thrust upon the people of Earth? Having failed to destroy humanity with the Tower of Babel, S/He is now embarked on establishing the Cuisine of Babel, a dastardly plot that will leave people confused and uncertain about their cultural heritage. Recipes handed down from grandmother to mother to daughter (or, in the case of modern white married males, grandmother to mother to son), these honored remembrances of times past will become amusing relics of a bygone era.

Ah, the well-known slippery slope, domino theory, and endless journey: When all people eat the same, all will begin to dress the same, think the same, act the same. Diversity will be a thing of the past. The NAACP, La Rasa, Hadassah, and The Muslim Brotherhood will be remembered only by those who have lost their jobs when the funding evaporated and the doors closed.

There is, alas, little that white people — doomed to minority status — can do to avert this looming disaster. It falls to non-whites to assume the burden of sustaining cultural and personal diversity. Should you fail, you’ll wind up savoring a hollow majority victory.

Some of you blinded by your own distorted taste buds may reject the above thesis, so I leave with one final, undeniable, indisputable proof: Our first fusion president, Barack Obama.

*All dates approximate…or wrong.

Curmudgeon-At-Large

In Jameson Veritas

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About Mark Schannon

Retired crisis & risk manager/communications expert; extensive public relations experience in most areas over 30 years. Still available for extraordinary opportunities of mind-numbing complexity. Life-long liberal agnostic...or is that agnostic liberal.
  • http://ruvysroost.blogspot.com Ruvy

    There is, alas, little that white people — doomed to minority status — can do to avert this looming disaster.

    They can throw out the birth control pills, pull off their clothes and get the bedsprings bouncing. A baby a year for six years or so. That’ll do the trick. What do you think the folks where I live do? Live on Blogcritics? They could give a shit.

    When they’re not fucking their brains out, then they get on Walla (an Israeli entertainment site) and have fun. But it’s following commandments (be fruitful and multiply) before the bullshit.

    Adina and I only have two kids. I feel I haven’t pitched in my share. Trouble is, I’m too damned old to keep going, my wife can’t have any more kids, and we still have monomgamy enforced in this country (damned Polish rabbis!)

    Anyway, Mark, the fact that virtually nobody has commented here is what you get for writing articles for the culture department of BC.

    What you need is some bagel, lox and cream cheese to make you feel better. Go read this article from Slate.com to get you in the mood. But do it after Sabbath! If I can stay off the computer for 25 hours a week, so can you!

  • http://www.parodieslost.typepad.com Mark Schannon

    Oy, you’re right, it’s Saturday. At least I’m taking a day of rest.

    And a bagel with all the fixings would taste great right now…but we don’t have any. Maybe tomorrow…the goyishe holiday.

    I’m not sure the answer is more babies, and if it is, I was fixed a long time ago & we’re way to old even we wanted them.

    No…we white folk had a good go of it for hundreds of years. Look at all we’ve accomplished! I’m investing in water front property in West Virginia…such a deal. And it’ll be warm 12 months a year, so I won’t have to freeze my ass off when I play golf in the winter.

    Just read an article that people in France are screwing their brains out having lots o’ babies. The very cute Foreign Minister is pregnant & won’t even say who the father is. Vive le bellies!

    I’ll take a gander at that article. (And you’re right about publishing in culture…it’s good old politics for me from now on.)

    In Jameson Veritas

  • http://ruvysroost.blogspot.com Ruvy

    I’m not sure the answer is more babies, and if it is, I was fixed a long time ago & we’re way to old even we wanted them.

    The answer is more babies, boychick. Do the math. But don’t feel that you have to set an example. If I remember right, you’re in worse shape than me, and chasing rugrats all over the place would tire you out a lot faster than writing articles about how much fun making them could be. Go consult with John Bambenek for “encouragement”, and if that doesn’t help, go talk to Mark Manning….

    In addition, I believe they still enforce monomgamy in West Virginny, too. So, even if you “unfix” yourself somehow, your bride might not be too happy with you sowing Schannon oats all over the countryside.

    So for you, should you choose to accept the mission of keeping whites a majority in the States, is to say “do what I say, not what I do.”

    This comment self-destructs in five seconds.

  • http://drdreadful.blogspot.com Dr Dreadful

    …across the Atlantic (note to Sarah Palin: that’s an ocean off the right coast of the U.S.)…

    Minor technical quibble here. Being in Alaska, Sarah is looking down (south) at the rest of the Untied States, so to her, the Atlantic would be off to the left.

    Quite appropriate, really, since the ocean in question leads the way to where all those pinko Europeans live!

  • http://www.parodieslost.typepad.com Mark Schannon

    Ruvy, LOL. Great comment & we can only hope the comments editor erases it before you get in hot water.

    Actually, I’m almost back to normal thanks to a new doctor and drug. Still don’t know what happened, but at least my brain is at 92.3%.

    Dr. D. Where were you when I needed you. Never thought about her perspective. Oh well, she probably doesn’t even know what an ocean is.

    In Jameson Veritas

  • http://ruvysroost.blogspot.com Ruvy

    I’m glad to hear that you are feeling better, Mark. Maybe those prayers of mine did help….

  • http://www.parodieslost.typepad.com Mark Schannon

    Ruvy, hey, I’ll take anything. Yesterday & today, a light fog returned. I hope that it’ll lift tomorrow..if not, I may wind up in a hospital for a 24-48 hour EEG…just hope they have movie channels & decent food & I can take a break now and then for a smoke.

  • Clavos

    I’ve read that most of the “First World” nations would have declining populations were it not for immigration, because fertility rates in most of those countries, including the US, are declining rapidly.

  • http://www.parodieslost.typepad.com Mark Schannon

    Tis true, Clavos, and also in Japan where they tend to be not as welcoming to illegal immigrants as we are in the United States of Mongrels, ho, ho, ho. Major problem in Italy. The French are working hard at making new babies, but horrible story in NY Times today says that French cafes are going the way of straight razors.

    No smoking, tough laws against drunk driving, eating on the run…holy Pate, Batman, if they felt that way, why not just move here & those of us who love the French joie de vie could move there.

    Sigh…

    In Jameson Veritas

  • http://www.morethings.com/log Al Barger

    Mr Schannon- I am Deeply Offended. As a white man, I feel discriminated against by your racist commentary. You need to learn tolerance for our chosen lifestyles of whoring, moonshining and meth.

    You apologize right now or I’m going to go on a cross-cultural jihad and send my retarded cousin in strapped with explosives to blow you up. Allah and George Jones Akbah!!!

  • http://www.parodieslost.typepad.com Mark Schannon

    Mr. Barger,

    Finally, someone offended. You have no idea how pleased I am…what’s the point of being a Curmudgeon if no one gets angry.

    However, I do agree that I need to engage more in whoring and meth. As for moonshine–I’ve heard it makes you blind, so I’ll skip that if you don’t mind.

    And as for your threat against my person, I have no fear. I’ll simply call Ruvy and have him send some Mossad agents to protect me.

    By the way, who the hell’s George Jones Akbah…I’m embarrassed to admit the name’s unfamiliar.

    Curmudgeon-at-Large
    In Jameson Veritas

  • http://www.morethings.com/log Al Barger

    Moonshine’s only going to make you go blind if it’s badly made. That won’t happen with proper professional Kentucky moonshiners.

  • http://www.parodieslost.typepad.com Mark Schannon

    Moonshine? Al, stop drinking it right now. There be no moonshine reference in this article…is there?