Today on Blogcritics
Home » Satire: The Jerry Springer Show With Paul Martin and David Emerson

Satire: The Jerry Springer Show With Paul Martin and David Emerson

Please Share...Tweet about this on Twitter0Share on Facebook0Share on Google+0Share on LinkedIn0Pin on Pinterest0Share on TumblrShare on StumbleUpon0Share on Reddit0Email this to someone

Voice Over: “Ladies and Gentleman give it up for Jerry Springer”

(Camera pans through audience showing the usual collection of crooked teeth, wide waistbands, and slogan emblazoned sweatshirts, standing and yelling their exultation for the ringmaster.)

(Camera Two shows wide shot of stage as small white haired figure holding microphone strides onto stage waving, face creased with a big smile. As camera tightens focus we see off to one side stage prompter quickly change Applause sign to Sit sign. Camera continues to tighten focus until three-quarter shot of Host fills lens. One final wave and smile before opening speech.)

Jerry: “We don’t normally do political shows, but today we thought we’d have a slight change of pace because this story has it all. Betrayal, backroom deals, scandal, broken promises, and lies.” (Sounds of oohs and ahhs from audience.)

Jerry: “Let me fill you in on the background before we bring out our guests tonight. Up in Canada (scattered cheers from audience indicating either token Canadians or somebody’s heard of it) they just had an election. Being foreign, they do things differently from us and elect something they call Members of Parliament from the various parties. The party that wins the most Members elected forms the government: everybody with me so far?

(Audience makes muted sounds of consent: Uh-huhs and yeahs ring out.)

Jerry: “That’s good because it’s going to get a bit tricky now. (Sounds of groans of complaint) Don’t worry it’s nothing smart folks like you can’t follow (general laughter and small cheer of acknowledgement). Okay, the Conservative Party won more seats than anyone else but they didn’t win enough to control the government, if all the other parties voted against them they wouldn’t be able to pass bills into law.”

Jerry: “Now like us, they have a Cabinet of people who head up different posts in government. But unlike us, these people are supposed to come from people who have been elected by the winning party. But what the Conservatives did is ask a member of another party, someone who was a Cabinet member from the last government, to change parties and join their Cabinet. (Expressions of surprise from audience.)

Jerry: (Voice rising in pitch and intensity to drive home the point) Only two weeks after he had won the riding for one party, David Emerson, agreed to switch parties so he could become a Cabinet Minister! (Shouts of outrage and occasional Boos from audience.)

Jerry: (Speaking over audience thus settling them down) On our show today we have two very special guests to talk about this situation. Paul Martin, the former Prime Minister of Canada who was leader of the Party and Mr. Emerson’s boss in the last government, and Mr. Emerson himself. (Gasps of astonishment from audience.)

Jerry: (In quiet tones, designed to elicit sympathy from his audience) “Now naturally Mr. Martin is upset (Loud cries of no kidding and for sure from audience) and in fact was just quoted as saying that he shares the disappointment that all Canadians feel in Mr. Emerson. Although he must be feeling some what personally betrayed as well: (Dramatic Pause For Effect) it was Mr. Martin who gave Mr. Emerson his first major role in Canadian Federal Politics!” (Cries of oh no, and yells of disgust including many boos from audience.)

Jerry: (Looking very serious, but waving one hand to settle audience down) “Of course Mr. Emerson has his story. (Cries of: I’m sure he does, Let’s hear that, and Right from the audience) He claims to have been betrayed by Mr. Martin. That after Mr. Martin convinced him to enter public life to run for the Liberal party in 2002, Mr. Martin abandoned him when he resigned without telling him in advance after this winter’s election defeat.” (Audience is starting to make angry noises but Jerry keeps talking over them.)

“He seems to feel because Mr. Martin quit the party that he had the right to do so as well.”(The audience is on their feet yelling and booing now. Some are waving their hands in disgust. Camera One zeros in on one particularly large woman’s face that is contorted into a look of zealous hatred. As the audience settles down camera retreats to show nice panorama of people shaking their heads in disgust and wearing heavy frowns.)

(Camera Two Picks up Jerry in tight focus again.)

Jerry: (With the tone of someone promising a real treat.) “Now, even though Mr. Emerson had promised Mr. Martin he would contact him to explain his behaviour he has yet to do so. But tonight we’ve both men in our studio; neither one knowing the other is here. Right now, they are in separate sound proofed green rooms, isolated from each other. Even their security people don’t know that the other man’s here.” (Laugh from audience.)

Jerry: “So after the commercial break we’re going to bring Mr. Martin out here so we can ask him some questions, then Mr. Emerson will join us. (Pause, during which audience growls appreciatively.) So, don’t go away we’ll be right back after these commercial messages with former Prime Minister of Canada Paul Martin and the man who betrayed him David Emerson.”

(Music comes up and audience burst into wild applause and cameras pull out to give overhead shot of audience applauding wildly and Jerry leaning into the front row to shake hands. Picture to black.)

Powered by

About Richard Marcus

Richard Marcus is the author of two books commissioned by Ulysses Press, "What Will Happen In Eragon IV?" (2009) and "The Unofficial Heroes Of Olympus Companion". Aside from Blogcritics his work has appeared around the world in publications like the German edition of Rolling Stone Magazine and the multilingual web site Qantara.de. He has been writing for Blogcritics.org since 2005 and has published around 1900 articles at the site.
  • http://www.diablog.us Dave Nalle

    Is it just me or is this post almost entirely meaningless to anyone outside of Canada? But it did conjure up the appealing image of exiling Springer north of the border.

    Dave

  • http://pippensqueak.blogspot.com gypsyman

    Ah, but that’s only fair since so much of the political reporting on this site is meaningless to anyone outside of the States…

    I don’t thing we want Springer anymore than you do.

    gypsyman

  • Dave Nalle

    You know you can listen to Springer 5 days a week on Air America Radio – even in Canada.

    Dave