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Satire: The Helmet Creates World Peace

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You see like most girls over the age of six, I have wondered how it is that I might solve the world’s little war problem. After becoming a vegetarian, adopting every stray animal I could get my hands on, and going to college I figured it out. No institution is bigger than one person at a time. Stereotypes and bigotry, war and starvation, class systems, they are all a result of hurt feelings and bitter disillusionment that occurs day to day. Let’s face it, you didn’t really care much about the middle east, let alone find it on the map until someone blew up the World Trade Center.

So how can we keep from hurting each others’ feelings? Well I don’t really care about hurting other peoples feelings, but I get really pissed off when someone hurts mine. I know what you’re thinking: “But tolerance, open-mindedness, and political correctness requires so much effort!” I hear you brother. Which brings me to the Helmet. The Helmet will take all the work out of it for you. This is after all, an article by an American, for Americans, the laziest people in the world.

The Helmet would function much like a motorcycle helmet to protect you from truck drivers on methamphetamine, guys air-guitaring at green lights, and sorority girls on cell phones. It would effect a radius of four feet around you at all times, translating everything that you hear into a language your personality can deal with. Conversely it would translate everything that you say to the person or persons you are speaking to into a language their personality can deal with.

Example:
Boss: Hey Manon, uhm, you told me that you were going to have the first draft of this article written by today. And you don’t.
Translation:
Boss: Hey Manon, I understand that you are a brilliant writer, and I’m afraid if you don’t give enough input into this article, that it just won’t be any good. I really need you here.

See, instead of having to feel guilty and get offended, I think that I’ve just been supremely complimented, and my boss is none the wiser when he gets this response.

Manon: Hey, I have a lot of stuff to do, but I’ll do it when I get around to it.
Translation:
Manon: Hey, anything you want man. You’re the boss. Anything you say goes. Do you mind if I pull this tape recorder out? I don’t want to miss on second of your insight.

I know this sounds really farfetched, not so. We know why dogs sniff each others butts, and they can’t even talk, and you’re telling me that somehow we’re an enigma. No way.
Psychologists have made great strides in the realm of personality. It is becoming harder and harder to go through your day without some reference to the Self. Whether its Oprah or internet chatrooms people are getting to know themselves and how they interact with others. According to most personality tests there are 9 to 12 different personality types. These would be programmed into each persons helmet, so that it appears that everyone has the same world view that you do.
All you would have to do is program these personalities into a computer, and have it translate different sentiments into compliments for different personalities. I personally like to think that I’m better than everyone else, so I get really hurt when I’m criticized. But you see the computer would know that I’m an enneagram 8 and instantly translate everything I hear, even criticism, into compliments about my inherent greatness.

So you see, world peace is within our grasp people!
Edited: [!–GH–]

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About Jasmine Anderson

  • Maurice

    I have had my helmet firmly in place for years and I think I will probably live longer because of it. For example the other day a guy cut me off in traffic. My helmet reinterpreted the information to be that I now have a car in front of me to protect me from accidents or tickets.

    When my wife told me she was having an affair my helmet translated that as “I love you so much I am willing to let you golf all you want”.

    When people on BC make racially offensive comments my helmet tells me to quit screwing around online and get back to work.

  • http://victorplenty.blogspot.com Victor Plenty

    Helmet? No thanks, I’ll wait for the implants. With modern nanotechnology, they should be able to alter our perceptions like this without hardly blinking.

    Then again, maybe they already have. How would we know?

    Whoops, I gotta go. Someone is videotaping me in my spaceship!

  • http://halffinishedheaven.blogspot.com Manon Maru

    My boyfriends like to tell me I have a built in helmet when we argue, I thought it would be funny to extend the metaphor.

  • Anthony johnson

    You have had this in your head for awhile helmets a must in the world today. Translation on the other hand a little tricky for me I think I would get big headed with all complements all day so I would have to turn my translator down a little just to balance it out. So the helmet never the less is a excellent idea preferably with a tuner switch to best fit the wearers comfort level. In past events I have known people to love a little harshness in there life but those are the ones that the whole helmet purpose is needed.

    Great article hope to see more in the future.

  • Baronius

    Regarding Maurice’s traffic story, how about a glove that makes it look like I’m waving hello at the guy who just cut me off (no matter how many fingers I may be extending)?