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Satire: Suri Cruise With Moses Martin, Sir Alastair Stewart II Promotes New Release

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Let’s look forward, pretending we can gaze into a crystal ball to find the ghost of pop culture future in the year 2026. Our cars still won’t fly nor will any man sit on Mars, but you can bet the new breed of Hollywood royalty will lord over us all.

Yes…Suri Cruise, star of the recent Mean Girls remake and rumored paramour of Michael Douglas, now aged 117, was spotted making out with Moses Martin, lead singer of Robotica. He, of course, was formerly linked to Zahara Jolie-Pitt-Giuliani-Lachey, the face of Max Factor the Third cosmetics. Her adopted brother, Maddox, owner of several Newer New York nightclubs including Macarena, the 90s retro club where Cruise was seen canoodling with Martin, declined comment.

Meanwhile at the Los Feliz Lakers game, the make-out cam focused on young lovers Hazel Roberts and Sean Preston Federline aka “SP-Ed.” Seated behind them was the aged and leathery Paris Hilton-Marriott, showing her umpteenth face lift.

With all the recent baby births and explosion of celebrity culture, this could easily come to pass. In our times, heirs like Paris, Nicole, the Osbournes, and Hulk Hogan’s daughter make their own news. Unlike children of the famous in past generations, these kids are stepping out of the lofty shadows of their parents. There is a hunger in the public as well for them – to see what they look like, to imagine their lives and to eventually revere them as real stars.

This massive interest in celebrity babies, with bidding wars of up to $5 million for Suri Cruise or Namibia Jolie-Pitt (that’s what I’ll call Brangelina’s baby until it is born), is at an all-time high. If the trend continues, every moment of these new babies’ lives will be documented.

They will also be insanely rich. Celebrities are making money on their celebrity in addition to whatever talent got them there. If they invest right, they ensure future generations of silver spoons. The new stars of today, in essence, will create old money of the future.

Let’s go ahead even further to 2090.

The English country estate was where Jonathan Clarkson (grandson of “Idol” Kelly Clarkson) displayed his family’s prized antiques and family crest to a who’s who of gentry and lords. Sir Alastair Stewart II (great-great grandson of Rod Stewart) attended the event and afterwards promoted his new release, The Great Iraqistan Songbook Volume 3, at the Grand Polo Grounds.

I have this idea to write a novel about these kids of the future – the children of the elite and famous who become as wealthy as the Kennedys, Rockefellers, and Vanderbilts of old. They would be bored, complacent, rich kids who worship the original family patriarch. Mick Jagger would take on the status of an Abe Lincoln, Tom Cruise, or Joseph Young (founder of the Mormons). Don’t even think about stealing the idea!

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About Chip Ross

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    Sounds eerily similar to something I wrote in a comment yesterday…

  • http://www.culturedrift.com Chip

    That would bum me out big-time if we said the same things. I can promise you that I didnt read what you wrote. But since I wrote mine (Weds night on my own site, Culturedrift.com) I have seen another “Year 2026″ post, this one with a picture of what Suri might look like then. A lot of people are sensing the Hollywood baby fever and imaging what will come of it.

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    Ha! That’s OK. You had Moses’ correct last name.