Special Report to Moon Zuppa, by Katie Couric.
Wild parties, drugs and orgies. Things you see at your neighbour’s house you say? The old Saturday Night Live cast? At Bill and Hilary Clinton’s third home?
Try the Hall of Justice. New raw, red-hot, revelations close to our sources have revealed the truth behind the walls of the HOJ.
“Aquaman was the first to speak out,” said one aspiring super-hero in training who wished to remain anonymous. “I myself often saw Wonder Woman sneaking from room to room with nothing but her top and lasso hanging out of her ass.”
With these startling revelations of smut, a scrumptious scandal broke out. “These accusations are simply untrue,” a spinster for the Hall said. “We flatly deny these mean spirited allegations. We don’t know who started them, but we have our suspicions.” When we pushed her for more information she intimated, “Evil Aquaman, Wonder Woman, Batman, Superman and Mossad are possibly behind this.”
The two hip but hoary heroes at the center of the controversy are the Halls two greatest highbrow gurus – Superman and Batman. They are thought to be the ones who organized the decadent parties modeled on Roman orgies reminiscent of Caligula and Nero.
“They’re all whores. They all want to sleep their way to the top just like any VP or Hollywood actress. Batty and Soopy knew this. If you wanted in you had to put out. No big deal. I did it all the time,” Rima the Jungle Girl confided in a soft, hush tone. “But I knew things were getting out of hand when they invited Giganta to partake. She’s just too big,” she sighed.
Batman and Superman could not be reached for comment. However, Robin – Batman’s beloved bitch – did comment, “I don’t know what Aquaman’s angle is. I really don’t. He’s been complaining that he hasn’t had enough assignments lately and that he’s fed up of the ‘sleeping and swimming with the fishes jokes. But the reality is that only 15% of our cases happen in water. He’s useless otherwise.”
While searching for his ring, Green Lantern for his part is convinced that any of Brainiac, Solomon Grundy, Lex Luthor, or Mr. Mxyzptlk are behind the rumours. He said there was no truth to the rumour of him changing his name to Fuscia Lantern.
A police spokesperson told reporters, “Indeed, everyone has their own theory, but we’ll only get to the truth once we get in the HOJ with CSI.”
One of the more bizarre charges is the one involving six screwy shlepps – Wendy, Harris, Wonderdog, Zan, Jayna (aka the Wonder Twins) and Gleek. “It seems that they were a target of cruel perpetual hazing,” Police Chief Ed Maroon told Moon Zuppa. “Many times they were told they would take on a big case only to find out they had to do laundry or go pick up pizza.”
How this will affect the HOJ is yet to be seen. President Bush is preparing to address the nation tonight. The State Department did say that America’s (and Canada’s) security would not be jeopardized too much. “The Hall of Justice is committed to killing every rat terrorist alive.”
Later on that day, Moon Zuppa reached Spider-Man, The Thing, and Captain America at a local bar they frequent. “It’s a damn shame,” Captain America said. “I have to go blog about this.” The Thing added, “Me mad! Me want hard banana.” As for Spider-Man, all he would say is that it’s been years he felt the HOJ needed to be purged of its vices and restructured. “That’s what power and fame does I guess. I told Batman this.”
The reaction on the streets is one of shock and dismay. “Gosh, the HOJ was the only institution worth cumming on. Now they’re just like the UN. What a shame,” one citizen lamented.
Yes, so true. But how do we get invited?Powered by Sidelines