Rush Limbaugh waited until the red light indicator for the camera blinked off before he wiped the spittle from the microphone and the desk, and turned towards his producer. “Richard, I’m going to tear off Crist’s head and crap down his windpipe! How dare he agree to show up here to explain his so-called support of the Republican party and conservative ideals when all the while he’s practically breaking out the damn kneepads whenever a Democrat shows up! You’re about to earn your pay, boy! I need some filler to keep me going for the hour, and I need it now!”
Richard Pidyn was new to the Limbaugh crew, and was quite surprised they’d hired him since he considered himself an independent and didn’t subscribe to any particular political dogma. But his new boss needed content ASAP, and Richard prided himself on being quick with answers. “Any particular subject, boss?”
“Oh, hell! Gimme health care reform!” Limbaugh beamed at Richard – apparently he enjoyed being called ‘boss’.
“No problem. The progressives among the Democrats in the Senate are pushing the public option again. If they use reconciliation, it looks like they’ve got fifty-two votes.”
Limbaugh’s face reddened with anger. “What? Don’t they know that most Americans don’t want the public option?”
Richard grimaced inwardly…but he’d promised to always present the facts. “I’m sorry, boss, but almost all polls, from last summer until now, show strong support for a public option.”
“Kid, you’d better wipe that BS from your brain, ‘cause last summer Rasmussen reports showed only thirty-five percent supported a public option.” A vein in the conservative pundit’s forehead began visibly pulsing in rhythm with the syllables he spoke.
“I promised you I’d only give you the facts, sir. All major polling agencies except for Rasmussen showed strong majority support for the public option. Even a significant majority of doctors prefer the public option. Rasmussen skewed its statistics by only polling those it believed were ‘likely voters’. That’s how they often get results so different from the other major polling agencies. If you like, I can show you a little bit of how pollsters skew the questions; on the public option.” Richard tried to hide his shaking. He needed this job and he’d heard that Rush wasn’t above blackballing those who angered him.
The moment of crisis passed. Rush didn’t fire him. “Okay, I’ll stay off that for now. How about jobs? Unemployment’s only gotten worse since Obama took office!”
“Well, yes, but he took office at the height of the Great Recession and the chart of new jobless claims clearly shows recovery at a pace almost equal to how fast the deterioration was from August of ’08. It’s almost a mirror image. If the trend holds true, we’ll have significant job growth this summer just before the election.” Just doing my job, boss, please don’t fire me! Richard pleaded silently.
“What? That can’t be right! But wait…I know! A spike in employment just before the November elections! Must be some kind of Democrat trick…a conspiracy! That must be it. You know, I’ve heard quite a few of my colleagues suggest that the whole recession was a Democrat plot, a grand power-grab by a party of treasonous saboteurs! But I’ll show America that like what Senator Scott Brown said, Obama’s stimulus didn’t create even one new job.”
Richard wondered if the look of admiration on his boss’ face was for his own skill of reasoning, or — perversely — for the Democrats if such had indeed been their plan. “I’m not sure we should go down that road, sir. There’s a whole slew of economists and financiers who are saying that the stimulus worked, that even though one-third of the stimulus consisted of tax cuts and another third has yet to be spent, the third of the stimulus that has been spent has resulted in a minimum of one million jobs, and perhaps more than two million jobs.”
Rush glared at his new producer. “Who the hell you working for, boy? I need content to keep this show on the air, not your damn precious numbers!”
“I’m sorry, sir, but I promised I’d give you the facts. If I did anything else, I’d be lying to you and breaking my promise.” Richard began to feel a sense of sadness – not for himself, but for Mr. Limbaugh.
His boss looked at him thoughtfully for a few moments. “Alright already. How about the War on Terror? Don’t tell me that he’s doing so damn well there, too.”
“Um, I’m sorry, sir, but it appears that as of last week, our forces under Mr. Obama have caught more Taliban leaders in one month than they did under President Bush since the occupation began. It also appears he’s on track to have all combat troops out of Iraq late this summer — again, before the election. Also, a majority of Americans believe that all terror suspects should be read Miranda rights. In fact, more Americans agree with Obama than with Republicans on issues all across the political spectrum."
Limbaugh buried his face in his hands and didn’t notice the ‘on-air’ light glowing red. He looked again to Richard, exasperation written across his face. “You’ve gotta be kidding me. You’re telling me that Obama’s ending the war in Iraq this summer and has been more effective against the Taliban in thirteen months than Bush was in six years despite the deteriorating situation in Afghanistan when Obama took office during the Great Recession. Is that what you’re telling me?"
No way am I going to last the day here. “Yes sir.”
“Well, Richard, I’ve got to give my listeners, my beloved dittoheads, the meat that they crave. They want to hear just how Obama’s driving this country to perdition, and you haven’t given me a scrap of content yet!”
Richard’s mind raced for a solution…maybe, just maybe…. “Um, sir, he was seen using a teleprompter last month. And the National Enquirer just received a nomination for a Pulitzer Prize for breaking the story on John Edwards' mistress and love child.”
Limbaugh perked up, a gleeful smile brightening his face. “That’s it! He can’t give a speech without a teleprompter! And Pulitzer Prizes don't mean anything anymore! Hah!” He looked over and noticed the red light, and suddenly all was right with the world.
“Good morning, my fellow Americans! You’re now listening to me, Rush Limbaugh, with talent on loan from God, on the EIB Network. Today is the four-hundredth-some-odd day since America became a socialist nation under the heel of the tyranny of the Barack Hussein Obama administration, and I am here to bring you the truth that will set you free from the lies and deception of the Democrat party and the media that is controlled by far-left extremists.
“We have an outstanding lineup today for my listeners. In the last hour I’ll have Jon Ashjian, the Tea Party candidate that will be facing noted socialist Democrat Harry Reid in Nevada this coming November, and in the second hour I’ll be speaking with the esteemed Representative from the sixth district of Minnesota, Michelle Bachmann. The loyal dittoheads out there will remember how adept she is at exposing the Democrats, the progressives, the socialists, and all their cohorts who still think that Barack Hussein Obama was actually born in Hawaii.
“But I’ve reserved my first hour for myself, so that I can alert you to the threats posed by Democrats and liberals to the very foundation of the traditions and laws of American society, for it is through their efforts that we have sunk from the heights of power and national prestige of the days of President Reagan to the present day where the occupant of the Oval Office grovels in apology to Arabs and bows to the Japanese! Now it seems that the man that the Democrat party put in the White House is unable – unable, I say – to speak to the people without using a teleprompter! What I want to know is who’s writing his script? Who is it that’s putting the words in his mouth? Who is it that’s really running the Obama administration?
“What I have to tell you today will make your blood boil with rage! The information I will share with you will make you want to break out the pitchforks and torches and join with another true patriot in a quest for justice and I’ll tell you about all of this later today! We’ll be right back after these messages.”
And over in the corner out of sight of the camera, the new producer of the Rush Limbaugh show sighed in relief. I'm going to get to pay the mortgage after all!