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Satire: Ronald the Russian Reveals All — Part I

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I coll myself Ronald, is gud American name, no? But I am not American, I am Russki, intent on telling soft Americans how veak you are, not lak strong Russkis, for whom soft American veaknesses are, how you zay, a joke, somet’ing to make me leff … ha ha.

I haff been many years in yur crumbling country, America, seeing wit’ my own eyes how yur vaists grow bigger, yur buttocks become lak a cow, moo, moo, yur faces bloat lak a babushka, an old Russki peasant woman, waddling on tree-trunk-lak legs.

But, in my past, I haff spent many years in vat you call Siberia in preezon camp. Ze cold was lak a razor blade tearing avay yor skeen. How many of you veak Americans could bear zat kind of treatment? Bah. Few, if any haff za strength, za vill, za … how do you call it, fornication … nyet, zat is not it. Ah, fortitude, zat is za vord.

And in yur country, I watch zees so-called men. I leff, ha ha, at ze veakness of American men. In ze batroom, zey need two hends to make, how you zay, wee wee. In Russki, ve use only one hend. Ve shake heem off wit’ one hend. Real men don’t need two.

Oh, I know, you tell me about ze Cold War, vich you think yuf won. Again, I leff, ha ha ha, many has zees time. In Russki, ve see vat is heppening around ze world. A mess, is it not? So, ve t’ink, why should ve spend all our hard-earned Rubles saving ze world. Fuck ze world. Let ze stupeed fucking Americans do it.

Ve vere right, can you see zat? You go into Afghanistan? Vat, you trying to kill Russkis vith leffing to death? Zere are not enuff ha ha ha … vould fill many many pages. And zen you invade Iraq? Many Russkis haff to be taken to hospital for oxygen, zey laff themselves how you say stupeed.

Vat is next, stupeed Americans? Maybe is time to buy gud glesses for ze eyes zo you can see. In Russki, we grow rich. In America, you borrow money to geeve to stupeed Iraqis.

Zis is not all Ronald haz to zay, but is gud start. Talk to you soon.

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About Mark Schannon

Retired crisis & risk manager/communications expert; extensive public relations experience in most areas over 30 years. Still available for extraordinary opportunities of mind-numbing complexity. Life-long liberal agnostic...or is that agnostic liberal.