Home / Satire: Politicians Promise Money, Cars and Jobs for Life

Satire: Politicians Promise Money, Cars and Jobs for Life

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Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton said Friday that every child born in the United States should get a $5,000 "baby bond" from the government to help pay for future costs of college or buying a home.Associated Press September 28, 2007

Senator Barack Obama quickly moved to one-up Sen. Hillary Clinton by suggesting that every American family be guaranteed an American-made car in their garage. His suggestions come a week after Clinton proposed giving every child a $5,000 “baby bond” at birth to help pay for college or buy a first home.

“It’s a tragedy that many Americans have to ride the bus or have to settle for a Toyota,” the Senator said. “Cars are a sign of hope. My proposal allows for all families to have an American-made car, which will bring hope to millions of Americans that have none.” His remarks received a warm reception in Detroit where domestic automakers find sales mired in slumps.

“This is a great way for us to stay ahead of the Germans and Japanese,” said one GM executive who didn’t want to be identified. “If every family has at least one of our cars, we no longer have to innovate or provide products people want. We might even be able to unload all those ’07 Pontiacs that no one wants.”

Aides close to John Edwards said he would release a plan next week that would guarantee every American a $40,000-a-year job—part of his broad strategy to eliminate poverty.

Even Republicans are starting to mull over things they can promise voters in exchange for their support next November.

“The one thing I learned as Governor of Massachusetts is that if the government can guarantee something then people line up with their hands out,” said Mitt Romney as he shook hands with people in a New Hampshire diner. “No one complained when I forced them to have health insurance. I don’t think people in California or Georgia would complain either. Maybe health insurance is what I can give people.”

The governor refused to commit to any proposal however and said he would talk to his campaign advisors about what people want most.

Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani proposed giving every American a cell phone so they could keep in touch with those they love.

“It’s important that people be given the opportunity to be as obnoxious as the average New Yorker,” he said. “How would people—” The mayor stopped in mid-sentence to take a cell phone call from his wife, Judith. “I’m talking to a reporter,” he gushed to his wife. “Would you like to say hello?”

Back on the campaign trail, Obama seemed confident that his offer would be more attractive to voters than what the other candidates had to offer.

“I never realized how easy it is to buy votes when you’re using other people’s money,” Obama said on his way to a fundraiser in Iowa. “I think when I run for reelection in 2012, I’ll promise every American a house. Not just any house but at least a five bedroom, environmentally friendly house with a big enough garage to park their American made car.”

No candidate has detailed how they’d pay for their proposals but aides told reporters that Congress has little problem spending money.

“Oh, they’ll just raise taxes or make a future generation of Americans pay for it,” said one congressional aide as he hurried down the halls of the Capitol building. “That’s standard operating procedure around here.”

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About Abel Keogh

  • Baronius

    I don’t need a college fund, but which candidate will make me smart enough to handle college?

  • RJ

    Great article! 🙂

  • RJ

    Fred Thompson today declared that, if elected, he will provide a 42″ HDTV-ready plasma television to every citizen. “That way, every American can watch Law & Order reruns in style,” said the former Senator. “With an HDTV plasma screen, underprivileged Americans will be have a clear view of every liver spot on my giant, bald head.”

  • RJ

    At a speech before the AFSCME, Dennis Kucinich today promised that, if elected, he will ensure that all short, dorky guys get to nail a hot European hippie chick half their age. “This is something the American people want, and therefore it would be my solemn obligation as President to provide it,” said the short, dorky Presidential candidate.

  • RJ

    In a major announcement, Presidential candidate Tom Tancredo today promised every American a piñata if he is elected. “The piñata will be made from real, authentic, live Mexican children,” the Congressman said. “The cool thing is, the sweets inside are their vital organs.”

  • RJ

    Presidential candidate Mike Gravel announced today that, if elected, he will provide free mental health services to all Americans. “It’s desperately needed,” said the former Senator. He then went chasing after invisible unicorns with an aluminum softball bat.

  • RJ

    Presidential candidate Ron Paul announced today that he doesn’t intend to give anybody jack shit. “Fuck you all, you greedy welfare scum,” said the Congressman from Texas. “Lazy filth like you deserves to be deported to Namibia. Also, I oppose the war in Iraq.”

  • Baronius

    Kucinich ’08!

  • RJ: quick learner, aren’t you?

    Now you get satire…

  • RJ


    No, I’m sure I’ll receive death threats from supporters of illegal immigrants who think I’m advocating child abuse…

  • Cindy D

    Well written piece. And very funny.


    Did you write those additions? Hilarious!

  • Mike Gravel promised to take out the garbage for a week if his wife showed up at his rally.

  • Les Slater

    I find it interesting that this piece is written as satire. What I see is a giddy admission that the capitalist economic system cannot even provide the basic necessities to its population.

    Why not respond to the demand for bread with an offer of cake? Satire, yes, but most revealing.

  • Doug Hunter

    I find it interesting that there are still morons supporting marxist ideas that have resulted in the greatest genocides in human history, created massive oppression and violent police states, and kept the entire population in poverty and breadlines. (but all equally, no one to be jealous of as everyone had nothing)

    No basic necesities in the US. That’s got to be a fucking joke. The only ‘poverty’ we have here is the kind where a family lives in their own personal 1000 sq ft home, has two vehicles and TV’s, and whines because they can’t buy a 2000 ft home and afford brand new vehicles. Bread isn’t gotten in a line or at ridiculous prices on the black market, it’s stocked as fucking high as the eye can see in large rotting piles any number of stores and costs but a few cents. There is no starvation, hospitals are required by law to treat anyone that walks in with any kind of acute symptom, public water and restrooms are plentiful and free, shelters are rarely full in most areas.

    The basic necessities of life ar met in the US and I challenge you to show any different in anything but a handful of extreme cases. In any case, I can show you equally horrific stories probably higher in number in any of your precious police states.

  • Cindy D

    Government’s job isn’t to insure basic necessities. People are greedy and lazy. If the government was handing out $40k/year jobs all the lazy people who work at Walmart would be lining up to get a hand-out.

    I’m sure half of them can read as well as someone in India. I don’t see why they don’t just go and get job doing phone tech support. I hear there is a shortage of people skilled enough to read English. I hear American companies would happily pay $15/hour (plus benefits) to someone with this skill.

  • Les Slater

    “…hospitals are required by law to treat anyone that walks in with any kind of acute symptom…”

    Then many, if not most, hospitals in poor communities are administered by criminals. There are many hospitals in not so poor areas that are administered by criminals.

  • Clavos

    “Then many, if not most, hospitals in poor communities are administered by criminals. There are many hospitals in not so poor areas that are administered by criminals.”

    Actually, not all hospitals are required to accept patients regardless of their ability to pay, except to the point of stabilizing them and treating emergency life-threatening conditions so they can be transported to the hospital (there’s at least one in every metro area), that IS designated to accept indigent patients.

    For example, here in Miami, Jackson Memorial Hospital, which is jointly owned by the city and the University of Miami, is so designated. JMH is also the largest, and in many disciplines, the best hospital in South Florida.

  • justoneman

    Presidential candidate Barack Obama announced today that, if elected, he will provide one-free bucket of fried chicken and a whole watermellon per week to all Americans. “My peoples love dat chicken and watermellon”, said the mixed race junior senator. He then went on to pull his Americam Flag lapel pin off and replaced it with a Crescent Moon and Star pin.


  • Cindy D

    “The only ‘poverty’ we have here is the kind where a family lives in their own personal 1000 sq ft home, has two vehicles and TV’s, and whines because they can’t buy a 2000 ft home and afford brand new vehicles,” Doug says as he looks out over his white neighborhood in Disneyland.

  • Racism, JOM! Ha! Brilliance!